*TOOLS EXPLAINED*
*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. (I’ve done it)
*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
‘Oh shit!'(I’ve done it)
*SKIL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.(I’ve done it)
*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.(I’ve done it)
*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.(I’ve done it)
*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.(I’ve done it)
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.
*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.(I’ve done it)
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.(Do it all the time)
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.(I’ve done it)
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:* A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.(I’ve done it)
*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. (I’ve done it)
*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short. (I’ve done it)
*HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able
to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand. (I’ve done it)
*UTILITY KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.(I’ve done it)
*SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:* (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a BITCH!’ at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. (This happens to me all the time)
I hope you found this informative.
My record of committing the above sins is 15/19, that is the voice of experience, er stupidity speaking.
*THINK SAFETY*
Filed under: Cartoons, Education, family, Hobby, Humor | Tagged: Injury, Tools | 2 Comments »
