TGIF

The sun is shining, there is a mild breeze, the trees are bursting into bloom, and the birds are singing. It is a perfect day to sit down with a longneck and enjoy some relaxation. In  keeping with this spirit I propose you get into the mood with a few funny stories.

Married 50 years 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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A Jewish  grandmother   is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming  to visit with his   wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .   There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button  301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 301. When you get out, I’m on the  left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these  buttons with my elbow

………”What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his  bedside, Guido,   I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a  my   chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember  me.””But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave  me your   Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna   be runna  da business, you gonna have a beautiful   wife, lotsa money, a big-a  home and maybe a couple   of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda  you   wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down,  rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby,  Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of  the   dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The  other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

…… but all men…are men!

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COLONOSCOPY IN SAN FRANCISCO

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, 
on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
procedure. 

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to
get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

> 
> The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it 
> protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
> 
> “And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the 
> young man.
> 
> “It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it 
> protects the body,” said the father.
> 
> The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
> 
> His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning 
> our feet from hot sand in the desert.”
> 
> “So tell me then,” added the boy.
> 
> “Yes, my son?”
> “Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit

170326-I Can’t Help Myself

I know, I know, the election is over and we have a new president, but I can’t help myself these memes are too good not too share.

PSA-170302-Very Important Stuff

Just Something That Made Me laugh

via Wednesday Memes … — Freedom Is Just Another Word…

What Is Hypocrisy?

via Discourse Today. … — Freedom Is Just Another Word…

Noun
hypocrisy (countable and uncountable, plural hypocrisies)

The contrivance of a false appearance of virtue or goodness, while concealing real character or inclinations, especially. with respect to religious and moral beliefs; hence in general sense, dissimulation, pretence, sham.
The claim or pretense of having beliefs, standards, qualities, behaviours, virtues, motivations, etc. which one does not actually have. [from early 13th c.]
The practice of engaging in the same behaviour or activity for which one criticises another; moral self-contradiction whereby the behavior of one or more people belies their own claimed or implied possession of certain beliefs, standards or virtues.
An instance of any or all of the above.

UP, A Two Letter Word

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A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP
Read until the end ….. you’ll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . .. or not . . . it’s UP to you.

Now I’ll shut UP!

No Words Needed




















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