Are These People For Real?

Ticket Agent — very funny!!

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A DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so
much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but
Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa..”

His response — click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that’s not possible, sinceOrlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very THIN state!!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?”

I said, ”No.”

She said, ”But they look so close on the map” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and
noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas … When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’

He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s
very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca.
is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
from Ala. who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.

“Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the
name of the town?”

‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up
every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,

”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration.

 

No Extra Words Needed

Do You Trust Pit Bulls or Muslims?

Today the light bulb turned on above my head and a new idea entered. Only God knows where this came from or why, but here it is for what it is worth. Most of us know that pit bulls are a strange breed of dog that have a terrible reputation for being aggressive. How, I wondered do they get this way and what provokes them? An instant later the same idea morphed toward Muslims. How do these people suddenly become violent radicals?

In the case of the pit bull there are experts who studied the problem and listed the reasons for the dog’s behavior. First let me support this premise by citing a statistic: From 2003 to 2015, or over  8 years, there have been on average of 22 deaths per year from pit bull attacks. One estimate puts the pit bull population in the USA at 5.3 million. That makes 22 deaths per year an awfully small percentage, and the pit bull supporters are quick to spell out that Rottweilers have higher percentage of kills than the pit bull.

Here are ten reasons why pit bulls have problems:

  1. poor breeding
  2. medical problems
  3. lack of socialization
  4. abuse
  5. territorial
  6. pack oriented
  7. predatory instincts
  8. mood state
  9. social agression
  10. lack of training.

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I then dug into the reasons why Muslims radicalize and here are some of the reasons they do:

  1. they don’t have parents
  2.  traumatized
  3. demoralized
  4. damaged psyche

It might be just me but there is a line of similarity between the two. In the case of the muslims the ISIS recruiter plays on these weaknesses. In the case of the pit bull the owner uses the traits to make the dog ferocious.

These are all interesting facts and I enjoyed reading about them, but I don’t want to pretend to be an expert on either. My point is that there are a lot of Muslims in the world as there are pit bulls. For too many reasons both can trigger to become violent. The question is how do we determine which is the one?

In the case of the pit bull, most of the triggers are owner induced like poor training, health, abuse, training. In the case of the Muslim it is also human induced. A lack of parents? Trauma? Demoralization? Damaged psyche? Who are these humans? My guess is they are Muslims, parents, relatives, and Muslim society. Where else do these people grow up? Where else do they get demoralized? Who damages a psyche, but a parent, caretaker, friend, imam, or teacher? behead.jpg

Since most Muslims grow up in Muslim communities the seeds of radicalization are sowed by the peace loving souls who live there.

What is the best way to control radicalization? First control the muslims entering the country. Limit immigration to those who are non-muslim. This is not a violation of the First Amendment since Islam is not a religion it is a political ideology. Second, shut down all mosques within the USA. These are not the equal of churches. They promote the over throw of the government by teaching hate for all non-muslims. We have laws prohibiting discrimination. The government has spent millions prosecuting people who discriminate against race, and hate speech. Mosques are promoters of religious discrimination and use hate speech as their vehicle. Muslims violate our First Amendment rights of freedom of religion by persecuting non-muslims, and they deprive us of our civil rights by discriminating against us, and as such must be prosecuted for doing so.

I Hate My NuWave Again

My family began arriving at twelve thirty today for our Easter celebration. My job was to make a ham and theirs was to bring side dishes. What a great chance to retry my Nu-Wave cooker to make a spiral ham. The last time I did this I set the ham so the bone was horizontal and the cuts were vertical. The ham fanned out like a deck of cards, and the individual slices were roasted to ham chips. The thing was crunchy to eat, flavorful, but crunchy. This time I decided to set the ham vertically so the slices were horizontal and they wouldn’t fan. I will be vindicated I told myself, I will show this group of skeptical children that I am the Master of the Nu-Wave. Wrong! The ham didn’t fan, but the edges got crispy. It was also over done. Once again the cooker I love so much became the cooker I hate with a vengeance. The tip of the meat nearest the heat element was charcoal broiled and so tough my electric knife wouldn’t cut through it.

In order to save my self esteem after Grace I announced that three years ago I retired from hosting the big holiday dinners. I told my kids it was time for me to pass the baton to them, and to remind them of why I retired, “I present you with a burnt offering.”

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PSA-160327-Smiles

WIFE’S  AFFAIR.

1.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.

 While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.

 For $100, the cabby agrees.

 Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

 The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

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 The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

 The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’

 HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

 Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

 He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?”

 The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

 2.

Subject: Looking for a Gynecologist’s Assistant…

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings , Montana .”

“Good grief”, the man asked, “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right now.

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 3.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

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  1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want….the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice... .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . .

OLD’ IS WHEN….Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

 OLD’ IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 (I sent this in large type so you can read it)

4.

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

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5.

 SOCIALISM vs. RACISM

A young black kid asks his mother, “Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?”

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“Well, Child,… Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff, you know… like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, …you know.  That’s Socialism.”

“But, mama, don’t the white people get pissed off about that?”

“Sure they do, Honey. That’s called Racism.”

(Never more simply explained.)

 6.

Subject: Top Ten Indicators Your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health…

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

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(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) The statement, “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is…”Embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

7.

No one believes seniors . . .Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

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On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

There is no need to thank me for this announcement, just hit five stars.

PSA-160426-Rules For Men

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Don’t believe everything you see on the internet, below is what Russel J. Larsen’s tombstone really says.

Russell J. Larsen buried in Logan, Ut.

Two things I love most,
good horses and beautiful women,
And when I die I hope they tan this old hide of mine
and make it into a ladies riding saddle,
So I can rest in peace
between the two things I love.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Now, knowing that I am the most honest man in the world which epitaph will you believe?

We Are the Last Ones

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Sent to me by a friend who played with me on the streets of Burnside a neighborhood  in Chicago. It resonates mightily with all of my generation, i.e. those who remain.

A short (sad) memoir
Born in the 1930s and early 40s, we exist as a very special age cohort. We are the “last ones.” We are the last, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the war itself with fathers and uncles going off. We are the last to remember ration books for everything from sugar to shoes to stoves. We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans. We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren’t available. My mother delivered milk in a horse drawn cart.
We are the last to hear Roosevelt’s radio assurances and to see gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbors. We can also remember the parades on August 15, 1945; VJ Day.
We saw the ‘boys’ home from the war build their Cape Cod style houses, pouring the cellar, tar papering it over and living there until they could afford the time and money to build it out.

We are the last who spent childhood without television; instead imagining what we heard on the radio. As we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood “playing outside until the street lights came on.” We did play outside and we did play on our own. There was no little league.

The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that we had little real understanding of what the world was like. Our Saturday afternoons, if at the movies, gave us newsreels of the war and the holocaust sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons. Newspapers and magazines were written for adults. We are the last who had to find out for ourselves.

As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth. The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow. VA loans fanned a housing boom. Pent up demand coupled with new installment payment plans put factories to work. New highways would bring jobs and mobility. The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics. In the late 40s and early 50’s the country seemed to lie in the embrace of brisk but quiet order as it gave birth to its new middle class. Our parents understandably became absorbed with their own new lives. They were free from the confines of the depression and the war. They threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had never imagined.

We weren’t neglected but we weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus. They were glad we played by ourselves ‘until the street lights came on.’ They were busy discovering the post war world.

Most of us had no life plan, but with the unexpected virtue of ignorance and an economic rising tide we simply stepped into the world and went to find out. We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where we were welcomed. Based on our naïve belief that there was more where this came from, we shaped life as we went.

We enjoyed a luxury; we felt secure in our future. Of course, just as today, not all Americans shared in this experience. Depression poverty was deep rooted. Polio was still a crippler. The Korean War was a dark presage in the early 50s and by mid-decade school children were ducking under desks. China became Red China. Eisenhower sent the first ‘advisors’ to Vietnam. Castro set up camp in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.
We are the last to experience an interlude when there were no existential threats to our homeland. We came of age in the late 40s and early 50s. The war was over and the cold war, terrorism, climate change, technological upheaval and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with insistent unease.

Only we can remember both a time of apocalyptic war and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty. We experienced both.

We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better not worse.

We are the ‘last ones.’
Now why won’t anyone listen to experience?

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