PSA-160327-Smiles

WIFE’S  AFFAIR.

1.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.

 While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.

 For $100, the cabby agrees.

 Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

 The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

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 The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

 The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’

 HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

 Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

 He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?”

 The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

 2.

Subject: Looking for a Gynecologist’s Assistant…

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings , Montana .”

“Good grief”, the man asked, “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right now.

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 3.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

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  1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want….the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice... .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . .

OLD’ IS WHEN….Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

 OLD’ IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..

 ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 (I sent this in large type so you can read it)

4.

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

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5.

 SOCIALISM vs. RACISM

A young black kid asks his mother, “Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?”

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“Well, Child,… Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff, you know… like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, …you know.  That’s Socialism.”

“But, mama, don’t the white people get pissed off about that?”

“Sure they do, Honey. That’s called Racism.”

(Never more simply explained.)

 6.

Subject: Top Ten Indicators Your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health…

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

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(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) The statement, “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is…”Embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

7.

No one believes seniors . . .Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

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On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

 

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There is no need to thank me for this announcement, just hit five stars.

A Billion Seconds Ago it Was 1959

Title: "No, No! Not That Way" Locati...

Title: "No, No! Not That Way" Location: Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is too true to be funny. The next time you hear a politician use the Word ‘billion’ in a casual manner, think about whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain… let’s take a look at New Orleans …. It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number… What does it mean?

A. Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child) You each get$516,528

B. Or… If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or… If you are a family of four… Your family gets$2,066,012. Washington ,

D.C HELLO! Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax (Fed)

Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge Taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurringCharges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage ChargeTax Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago… And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt… We had the largest middle class in the world…

And Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened?

Can you spell ‘politicians’!

And I still have to Press ‘1’ For English.

I hope this goes around the USA At least 100 times

What the heck happened?????

TAXED ENOUGH ALREADY

Thank you Sharon.

Grampa Jim’s Advice

Grampa Jim  didn’t have a formal education, but he was wise.  His favorite advice to us, spoken in Hungarian was this:

“If someone hands you money, accept it graciously.

If someone approaches you with a stick in his hand,

run like hell!”

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