February | 2018 | Grumpa Joe's Place

I Just Couldn’t Resist

Posted on 28/02/2018 by Grumpa Joe

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 —

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, ‘Well your Honour, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The
Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to
smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,

‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’

… I just lost it.

‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

Filed under: family, Humor, Society | Tagged: Bus, Joke | 1 Comment »

Sarcasm At Its Finest

Posted on 28/02/2018 by Grumpa Joe

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Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

INSIGHTFUL (AND FREE) ANALYSIS:

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn’t buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why.

Here are the reasons why Millennials don’t ride motorcycles:

Pants won’t pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
Can’t get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
Can’t use 2 hands to eat while driving.
They don’t get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
Don’t have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
Motorcycles don’t have air conditioning.
They can’t afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated.
They are allergic to fresh air.
Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
The handle bars have buttons and levers and can not be controlled by touch-screen.
You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
It’s too hard to take selfies while riding.
They don’t come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
Motorcycles don’t have power steering or power brakes.
Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

Filed under: Sarcasm, Sports, Uncategorized | Tagged: Harley-Davidson, Motorcycles | 1 Comment »

PSA-180228-Smile, Winter Is Almost Gone

Posted on 28/02/2018 by Grumpa Joe

Relax folks, February is almost done. All we have to endure is March, April, May, and June before summer finally arrives. Oh? Did I skip spring? Yes, that is because most times there is no spring we jump from winter to summer within a few hours, except we never know which day that will happen. In the meantime, enjoy some funny stuff.

Filed under: Cartoons, Humor | Tagged: Aunty Acid, Memes | Leave a comment »

WOW! Squashed By A Truck

Posted on 25/02/2018 by Grumpa Joe

Stories about people who overcome personal adversity are among my favorites. The latest such story that I read is Gratitude in Motion, by Colleen Kelly Alexander. As many biographies do the author begins describing her life as a young person. She describes her first love, and her faith in God. Her parents were very strict Baptist and conveyed their own faith beliefs to her. She does little to describe her athletic prowess but does mention that her father taught her to love bicycles because he ran a bike shop.

The biggest problem she met as a teen was having to give up her first love because his faith was not the same as hers. This trauma sent her into a personal dilemma and she wound up wondering what to do with her life. She did eventually find a passion in counseling troubled teens. She learned that she was good at what she did, and was able to write grant proposals to get funding for her work. This usually gave her a salary too, albeit a small one.

She was living in Connecticut working at a counseling service, and rode her bicycle to work. One Saturday, she went in to catch up and on her way home she encounters a large truck at an intersection. The truck ran a stop sign and ran over her. Both the front wheel and the rear wheels crossed over her abdomen. She remembers looking into the driver’s eyes as he proceeded to run her down. The truck squished her insides out of her abdomen, broke many bones and stripped muscles from her pelvis, gluteus and thighs. That is when this story really gets going.

The fact that Colleen survived is one thing, but the process she went through to survive is another. She describes her injuries in vivid detail, and it is demoralizing. I felt myself wincing throughout.

I love this kind of story because it relates to my experience with polio at age fifteen. It is not fun laying in a bed with IV’s and machines all around in a stupor wondering what the hell happened here. Colleen is a trooper and has courage beyond a normal human being. I won’t go into any details of her injuries except to say it wasn’t pretty. What is important is that she recovered and channelled her frustration and pain into positive healing. Not only did she recover, but she has gone on to become a revered motivational speaker, and an advocate for the Red Cross blood drive. They used seventy-eight pints of blood during her emergency surgery and many units of plasma. She believes the blood to be one of the many things that helped save her life. She is also back to running, swimming, walking, and bicycling. to the extent that she competes in Iron Man competitions.

Read this story, it will fill you with positive energy, and a wish to help humanity.

Five stars.

Filed under: Book Review, family, health care | Tagged: Bicyle safety, Heroes, Trauma | 1 Comment »

Fence Me In

Posted on 22/02/2018 by Grumpa Joe

I grew up listening to a cowboy song called “Don’t Fence Me In.” The lyrics brought one to imagine living in a place so large and so free that it was eden like.

Don’t Fence Me In

Cole Porter

Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Don’t fence me in
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love
Don’t fence me in

Let me be by myself in the evening breeze
And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever but I ask you please
Don’t fence me in

Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle on
Underneath the western skies
On my cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise

I want to ride to the ridge where the West commences
To many words, gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
And I can’t look at hobbles and I can’t stand fences
Don’t fence me in

Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Don’t fence me in
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love
Don’t fence…

When I hear arguments from liberals about against a border fence I wonder if it is because they were raised hearing this song. Since one has to be a septuagenarian to know this song it can’t be the reason, because there are not that many of us.

Even though I loved this song when I was twelve times have changed and so has my body clock. Now, I want to be fenced in, i.e. into the United States. The idea of being fenced inside a nursing home still repulses me. I’d sooner live with the rattle snakes than in a holding tank for the grim reaper. Perhaps in another ten years I will change my mind and look forward to being tended to by lovely women paid to humor me.

I see the border fence as a necessity like the Great Wall Of China, and Hadrian’s wall in England. Neither of those walls was fool-proof but one doesn’t see too many foreigners living in China. I see the wall along our southern border to control the influx of foreigners. We need foreigners to make up for all the native babies being aborted yearly. Combine abortions with the lack of young women bearing children and our population is in jeopardy of extinction. Let us screw for recreation without bearing the responsibility of rearing the offspring, and by the way let our women do the same, except, we want our women to feed us, keep our clothes and homes clean just as they did in primitive days, but they don’t have to raise kids. We just want them around to feed our libidos, and to make repeated trips to the frig to run a long neck to our loungers while we view Cro-magnon men bully each other on the grid-iron, and kneel during the playing of our national anthem.

What we really need is a fence with an occasional break in it to allow people to get into our mecca. Uncle Sam will build huge welcoming centers at each opening to process the millions of people eager to begin washing all those dishes in all our restaurants across the country.

The processing centers will do things like conduct back-ground checks, and issue visas to make the visitor compliant with our laws. Of course Mexico will go to war with us on this matter because the many Coyotes employed to smuggle people in will become jobless. The Drug cartels will have to build an army of trebuchets to launch huge packages of drugs over the fences. Caterpillar will sell Mexico billions of dollars worth of mining equipment to bore tunnels under the wall large enough to allow semi-trucks filled with drugs to enter. The wall will be good for business, and the immigrants too. Why? Because they will lose the illegal moniker and be qualified for all benefits without us being able to complain about it. Democrats will be happy too, because they will register all the new entrants to vote at the same time they are issued visas.

The EPA will raise hell with the wall because the lizards will be unable to move freely, and their yearly migration patterns will be disturbed causing the lizard population to head toward extinction. No lizards? What will the rattle snakes eat?

The USA will also have to go to war with Mexico again to take some more land. We need the Rio Grande to be within the USA. That way we can build the wall on our land south of the river and not worry about how to build the wall down the middle of the river. Of course we couldn’t build the wall on our side of the river because that would cede ground to Mexico.

I wonder how the graffiti artists will make out? The paint companies will cash in supplying spray cans of the primary colors so the artists of both countries could express themselves freely upon the new surface. Travel agents will prosper by selling tours along each side of the wall to view the graffiti. Think of the many fiestas that could be planned along the wall to celebrate feast days. We would have enough room to display giant portraits of every president and his mistresses. People would flock to see the spectacle just as we do to see Mount Rushmore.

I intended this piece to be a satire on liberal attitudes toward the fence, but instead it evolved into a fun time brainstorming possibilities the fence will yield.

I can’t wait to book my fence graffiti tour!