Fence Me In

 

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I grew up listening to a cowboy song called “Don’t Fence Me In.” The lyrics brought one to imagine living in a place so large and so free that it was eden like.

Don’t Fence Me In
Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Don’t fence me in
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love
Don’t fence me in
Let me be by myself in the evening breeze
And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever but I ask you please
Don’t fence me in
Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle on
Underneath the western skies
On my cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise
I want to ride to the ridge where the West commences
To many words, gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
And I can’t look at hobbles and I can’t stand fences
Don’t fence me in
Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Don’t fence me in
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love
Don’t fence

When I hear arguments from liberals about against a border fence I wonder if it is because they were raised hearing this song. Since one has to be a septuagenarian to know this song it can’t be the reason, because there are not that many of us.
Even though I loved this song when I was twelve times have changed and so has my body clock. Now, I want to be fenced in, i.e. into the United States. The idea of being fenced inside a nursing home still repulses me. I’d sooner live with the rattle snakes than in a holding tank for the grim reaper. Perhaps in another ten years I will change my mind and look forward to being tended to by lovely women paid to humor me.
I see the border fence as a necessity like the Great Wall Of China, and Hadrian’s wall in England.  Neither of those walls was fool-proof but one doesn’t see too many foreigners living in China. I see the wall along our southern border to control the influx of foreigners. We need foreigners to make up for all the native babies being aborted yearly. Combine abortions with the lack of young women bearing children and our population is in jeopardy of extinction. Let us screw for recreation without bearing the responsibility of rearing the offspring, and by the way let our women do the same, except, we want our women to feed us, keep our clothes and homes clean just as they did in primitive days, but they don’t have to raise kids. We just want them around to feed our libidos, and to make repeated trips to the frig to run a long neck to our loungers while we view Cro-magnon men bully each other on the grid-iron, and kneel during the playing of our national anthem.
What we really need is a fence with an occasional break in it to allow people to get into our mecca. Uncle Sam will build huge welcoming centers at each opening to process the millions of people eager to begin washing all those dishes in all our restaurants across the country.
The processing centers will do things like conduct back-ground checks, and issue visas to make the visitor compliant with our laws. Of course Mexico will go to war with us on this matter because the many Coyotes employed to smuggle people in will become jobless. The Drug cartels will have to build an army of trebuchets to launch huge packages of drugs over the fences. Caterpillar will sell Mexico billions of dollars worth of mining equipment to bore tunnels under the wall large enough to allow semi-trucks filled with drugs to enter. The wall will be good for business, and the immigrants too. Why? Because they will lose the illegal moniker and be qualified for all benefits without us being able to complain about it. Democrats will be happy too, because they will register all the new entrants to vote at the same time they are issued visas.
The EPA will raise hell with the wall because the lizards will be unable to move freely, and their yearly migration patterns will be disturbed causing the lizard population to head toward extinction. No lizards? What will the rattle snakes eat?
The USA will also have to go to  war with Mexico again to take some more land. We need the Rio Grande to be within the USA. That way we can build the wall on our land south of the river and not worry about how to build the wall down the middle of the river. Of course we couldn’t build the wall on our side of the river because that would cede ground to Mexico.
I wonder how the graffiti artists will make out? The paint companies will cash in supplying spray cans of the primary colors so the artists of both countries could express themselves freely upon the new surface. Travel agents will prosper by selling tours along each side of the wall to view the graffiti. Think of the many fiestas that could be planned along the wall to celebrate feast days. We would have enough room to display giant portraits of every president and his mistresses. People would flock to see the spectacle just as we do to see Mount Rushmore.
I intended this piece to be a satire on liberal attitudes toward the fence, but instead it evolved into a fun time brainstorming possibilities the fence will yield.
I can’t wait to book my fence graffiti tour!
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New Math

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Teaching practical math in Chicago that
kids understand!

Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that kids can use in real-world situations:

NAME______________________________________________ ______

GANG/CREW NAME_________________________________________

CRIB______________________________________________ _______

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his ****?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over ?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a boa constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income ?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

But I Love Him

Garden Angel

Garden Angel

Saint Peter sat at the pearly gates when AJ showed up. She asked for entry. Saint Peter asked her to tell him her life story.

AJ began. I was born to fabulous parents, they never fought nor argued, they brought me up a loving, gentle, caring person. A couple of years after I entered the picture, my parents presented me with a glorious gift, a sister. Sis was my responsibility to get to school everyday. That sounds easy doesn’t it? Well, it wasn’t, Sis didn’t want to go, so I would up shoving her while I held the back of her collar.

During high school, I had an admiring boy friend, Elwood. He wrote poetry and left it in my books. He wrote about his true love for me, but somehow, I didn’t think Elwood was my type.

After high school, I got a job and took a bus to work everyday. One day, the bus driver a handsome dark-haired man a little older than I struck up a conversation. Soon we fell in love. We married. We went on a honeymoon, it was wonderful. We came home and my problems began. He beat me. He left me helplessly black and blue, but I loved him. I thought, I will become a better wife so he will treat me nicer, but he continued to beat me, but I love him Lord.

A couple of years later the beatings continued. I became pregnant. What a happy day it was when my son was born, now I loved two men. The beatings continued. My family wanted to kill my husband, but my mother put a stop to it, because he loved me.

As my son grew older, he watched his father beat me, I couldn’t leave him now Lord, because he loves me. My sister came to my rescue and took me to her home, but he called and told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was, and I went back to him, because he loves me.

My son started drinking and taking drugs in eighth grade. I didn’t say anything, because he had such a hard life watching his dad beat me so often. I couldn’t leave them both now could I, because I love them?

Sis got a phone call from a stranger, a woman, asking if she could get in touch with me. The stranger was in the process of annulling her marriage to my husband. How could he? He loves me.

My son is a man now, but he is always stoned and always in trouble with the police, but he loves me. Eventually, sonny boy commits a felony and gets caught. He spends time in prison, while his father continues to beat me. I can’t leave them Lord, they love me.

Eventually, I got smart and filed for a divorce. It was hard because my religion doesn’t allow divorce. He calls me on the day I get the decree, Free at last, except he tells me how sorry he is, and I go back with him, and he physically hurts me, but I love him.

Years go by and I finally disappear, I left them without telling him or my son where I am, but they love me Lord, and it is hard to live without them.

They find me. My son needs a place to stay, he has no job, nor does he want one. I love him Lord, so I take him in. Then my son tells my ex where I am, and he shows up. He loves me Lord, but now he has my son who is six-foot three and two hundred pounds standing between me and him. He doesn’t beat me anymore, but he certainly gets verbally abusive. I tell him to get the heck out and he goes away, for a while. He returns with gifts to make amends, and I let him visit, because he loves me.

Life is bearable for the first time in sixty years. Sonny lives with me and protects me, but I am very forgetful now, and Sonny must watch me constantly. My ex comes and goes, and every once in a while I throw him out, but I love him Lord.

My son disappears at times after his welfare check comes. I suppose he is off buying and using drugs with his friends. He comes back when he is out of money. Sis tells me again, and again to throw Sonny out, but I love him.

Sonny disappears again, and my memory is failing me Lord. I don’t have food in the house, and I am hungry. I knock on my neighbors doors asking for food. My friends share with me and I am happy. They tell me to kick Sonny out, but I love him Lord. A few weeks later he leaves me again, this time for a week or more. I walk out of the condo to find some food and help. I walk to the priest’s home and ask him for help. He promises to send someone soon. The police come and take me home, but I still don’t have food, and I am hungry Lord. I begin knocking on doors in the neighborhood asking for food. Many doors slam in my face, then the police come. This time they take me to a hospital, and they admit me. I don’t remember where I live anymore, nor my phone number. I remember Sis, and her name, and where she lives. The hospital calls Sis. She comes to visit, I can’t tell her about Sonny abandoning me because he loves me. Sis knows anyway, I didn’t have to tell her.

Saint Peter, for the first time in my life, I found a place where I am happy. Sis, and the Public Guardian found this place where nuns take care of me. The best part is that my ex and Sonny didn’t know where I was, but I know they love me.

Within a month, they found me again. They began to visit, and sweet talk me like they did before. This time, though the sisters are aware of their intentions and they watch the visits. I am truly happy, I go to mass daily, I have food three times a day, I have met new friends, and once a week, Sonny comes to visit. Sometimes he brings his father with him. I love them so.

Lat week, something strange went on in my head, and I fell smashing my head and hurting it even more. Then, I had a stroke which left me completely limp and in a coma.

Sonny has been with me right up until the time I saw the light where I saw Jesus standing at the end waving to me. I lifted myself up from the bed and walked toward Him. He took me by the hand and walked with me. Now I find myself talking to you.

“Why didn’t you ask us for help,”  said Saint Peter.

“I kept forgiving my ex and my son because that is what the Lord would do, and because they love me.”

“AJ,” he said, “Prepare yourself for some excitement.”

“What kind,” she asked?

The pearly gates began to open and there behind the gates a huge crowd cheered, all clapping, whistling, and shouting for AJ to come in.

AJ stood in shock, but soon a smiling woman she recognized stepped out of the crowd and ran toward her with open arms.

“Mom,” I yell, “he loves me.”

“AJ, you are home at last.”

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