Why do we ignore friends, sometimes for years, and then go out of our way to attend their wake? I don’t know how you feel about this topic, but I get myself into a tizzy over missing a wake. Over the years, wakes have caused me extreme anxiety. I found that missing the wake of an associate, acquaintance, co-worker, friend, sibling, or life partner depends on how close the individual is to me. By close, I mean genetically. Of course, there is a second level of closeness that involves distance or social association.
As I approach my own wake, my attitude is shifting. I never thought of missing a wake when I was more physically robust. Now, as my physicality diminishes, I am no longer bothered by not attending. Really, what can I do for the person involved? Most of the time, I don’t know anyone there, and the only guy I know is in the coffin. I pass by him, say a prayer, thank him for being my friend, and keep moving. Sometimes I will introduce myself to the widow and tell her how I knew her husband.
When it is all done, I look for friends I know to catch up with them and learn about their lives. Finally, I retreat and go home feeling good about giving the dead person a farewell. Did the deceased have a better outcome by my visit? I will not have a clue until I reach him after my own journey to the afterlife. At best, attending a wake at which the only one I know rests in the casket or an urn might make a difference to the widow or children of the deceased.
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After I buried my oldest son in 2012, on my birthday, I told God and Momo I would never attend another funeral except maybe my own and hers, that all depends on who checks out first. Then, four years ago, my fellow bandmate of 20 years died unexpectedly, and I relented. My other two remaining bandmates and friends did not want to speak; in fact, no one but the preacher did, so I said I would eulogize JP. No notes, no plan, no nothing, just stood up there and shared our twenty years of friendship. It about did me in, and I now will never attend another. My sister thinks I am mean and says, ” Well, she won’t attend mine, I said, ” Fine, you’re not invited anyway unless you bring a pound cake. Carrying my son’s coffin and all that went with that day changed me. It changes us all.
It’s my guess that every parent since the beginning of time has had to bury a child, and they all felt just like you are feeling now. Yet, the world continues to gain in population. We get over it. Grief is a painful emotion, but eventually it wears down, and our lives move on in different ways.
Most funerals are short when it comes to eulogy. I believe it is because attendees fear making a sobbing scene. I am certain that time will do its trick, and you, too, will recover to give another eulogy.
I feel your pain.
JOE
AT MY AGE I ALSO AM APROACHING MY HORAZONTAL VRS VERTICAL PART OF MY LIFE.
I ALSO FEEL COMPELED TO DO WHAT YOU DO WITH ALL I HAVE BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH AND ARE RELATED TO.
Keep on Moving