My cousin Rick sent me this and titled it “Belly laugh coming up. . . ” I thought not a chance there is very little that would make me laugh out loud. I mention his name because if I’m going to hell with this one I want him holding my hand on the way down.
SIPPING VODKA A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10… 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’ 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,“Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say,“Eat me.” 12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
1.In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.— John Adams 2. If you don ‘t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.— Mark Twain 3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then, I repeat myself.— Mark Twain 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.— Winston Churchill 5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.— George Bernard Shaw 6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.— G. Gordon Liddy 7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) 8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.— Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.— P.J. O ‘Rourke, Civil Libertarian 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.— Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850) 11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.— Ronald Reagan (1986) 12. I don ‘t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.— Will Rogers 13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!— P.J. O ‘Rourke 14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.— Voltaire (1764) 15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!— Pericles (430 B.C.) 16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.— Mark Twain (1866) 17. Talk is cheap …. Except when Congress does it.— Anonymous 18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.— Ronald Reagan 19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.— Winston Churchill 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.— Mark Twain 21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) 22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class …. Save Congress.— Mark Twain 23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.— Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995) 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.— Thomas Jefferson 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.— Aesop
We are-SPEECHLESS, Government-is CLUELESS, And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I’m scared – Shitless!
Only in This Stupid World ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.🤷♂️
Only in This Stupid World ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.🤷♂️
Only in This Stupid World…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.. 🤷♂️
Only in This Stupid World…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..🤷♂️
Only in This Stupid World ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..🤷♂️
Only in This Stupid World …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.🤷♂️
EVER WONDER … Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin❓❓🤷♂️
Why don’t you ever see the Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’❓❓🤷♂️
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word❓❓🤷♂️
Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice’❓❓🤷♂️
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons❓❓🤷♂️
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker❓❓🤷♂️
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour❓❓🤷♂️
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food❓❓🤷♂️
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes❓❓🤷♂️
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections❓❓🤷♂️
You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff❓❓‼🤷♂️
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains❓❓🤷♂️
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?❓🤷♂️
I like this one!!! If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress❓❓🤷♂️
If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal❓❓🤷♂️🤷♂
Grumpa Joe's Place 
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