Today’s Senior Wisdom

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Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered: 
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
 
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

Lessons For All Of Us, Even Liberals

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I figure that one reason these practices have ceased to exist is because more than seventy  million new immigrants have arrived from at least two hundred and six different countries since all of this was standard practice in our society.

 

 
 
Black and White
Black and White

(Under age 45? You won’t understand)

 
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
 
‘Good Night, David.
 
Good Night, Chet.’
 
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.
 
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not
in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting E.coli.
 
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

 
We all took gym, not PE… and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
 
Flunking gym was not an option… Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
 
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
 
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours
wore a hat and everything.
 
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
 
I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
 
Oh yeah.. And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
 
We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
 
Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $99 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
 
We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either; because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
 
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
 
Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.
 
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a jerk. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
 
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
 
How could we possibly have known that?
 
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.
 
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even

notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

 
How did we ever survive?
 
LOVE
TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA; AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
 
Pass
this to someone and remember that life’s most simple pleasures are very often the best.

 

Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and
rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged,
full-breasted women, and hunted and fished 
and
raced cars, and went to titty bars and
dated ladies half his age 
 
and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and
never heard bitching 
 
and
never paid child support or alimony, and
dated cheerleaders and  
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and
potato chips and beans, and  
blew enormous farts, and
never got cheated on while he was at work, 
 
and
all his friends and family thought
he was friggin’ cool as hell, 
 
and
he had tons of money in the bank, and
left the toilet seat up.
 
The End.

170623-Funnies

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     The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
      There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.
      ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
Good Heavens‘ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’
‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking’
###################################################################
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong –
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the  remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.
Turns out it’s about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
  Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For god sakes ,   if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  made you fart?”

QANTAS
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!! “

Marital Bliss

It takes two to tangle, but sometimes a third body sneaks in.
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful.
I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” “Oh, she replies, “that was my

husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”
Special Package deal for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides
to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
“Hello Darling.”
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Throwing Knives at Wife’s Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her “Hi, what are you
doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU.”

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in

his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,
hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how
to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,

so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

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NOW IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR

For the past eight years Americans have complained about the lack of output from their Congress. This man Klavan explains in clear detail why the current Congress is stagnated.

My Sentiments Exactly

George Carlin was a magnificent comedian who used common sense to make fun of the human race. His intellect was far greater than that of the entire liberal population.

I would love to hear George’s monologue on global warming. He is right about the conceit of those who actually believe that a life form as insignificant as a human could have any impact on changing the planet.

The only positive I see coming out of the global warming threat is that power companies are becoming more efficient and thus less polluting. More companies are pouring money into developing better batteries and solar panels, but the bottom line is this: If we can buy energy for less from a coal burning power plant we will continue to do it. Our money is better spent on having fun. In another hundred years the electric car will probably have enough range and life to warrant spending money for. We will still need coal burning power plants to supply energy to all the battery chargers needed to keep our cars running. Solar panels may someday be made in the form of building materials. All new houses made from these solar absorbing roofs and walls will make them self sufficient. What will we then do with the millions of homes already made without such a sufficiency?

In the short term, all I see happening is that governments that buy into the global warming lie will tax us heavily. Not only will their economies be pouring trillions into developing low carbon emitting processes, the rich countries will be racked with guilt about putting the world into the dilemma. To buy their way out of the guilt they will send trillions of tax dollars to lesser countries that are too ignorant to know their life is being jacked by a bunch of thieves. Poor countries will remain poor, and rich countries will remain rich.  The common man, we the people meaning you and me will be poorer, and perhaps happier that we do our bit to save the planet.

As we pay and suffer to save the world, and Muslims will succeed in annihilating civilization thus depopulating the planet.  Earth will continue on its merry orbit until the sun itself eventually peters out a few billion years from now.

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