If the list below looks fuzzy it is because it is, your eyes are okay. I lifted this from Facebook and it looked fuzzy to me there. So most likely it is a copy of a copy of a copy,
18. Remember to always tittle your “i’s” and cross your “t’s”
8. My wine club held a debate last week about to little thing-a-ma-jig found in the center of the pizza box. No one suggested it was a “box tent.”
16. I call the difficulty of getting out of bed in the morning as “not having enuf sleep.”
4. I call the wamble of my stomach a growl.
17. I say IIlegible hand writing is called flunking the Palmer method
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don’t listen and something else…. At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next. I thought growing old would take longer. I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on. The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed….I need bail money. I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once. Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They Forgot to mention morons. The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.” A dog accepts you as the boss… a cat wants to see your resume. Oops…. did I roll my eyes out loud? Life is too short to waste time matching socks. Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed; we’re having a staff meeting. I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.” I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. Project Manager…because Miracle Worker isn’t an official job title. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. Measure once, cuss twice.. I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives. The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love. Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home. I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.
A favorite story about Churchill is when at a dinner party a member of the Labor Party’s (the opposition) wife said, “Mr. Churchill, you are despicable. If I were your wife I’d put poison in your whiskey. ”His reply, “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.” He always had an appropriate come-back.
Last week I posted a bunch of puns stolen from the Indian Hills Community Center sign. One of my readers who shall remain nameless questioned where Indians Hills was. In my infinite wisdom and because I travelled a lot in my younger days I wanted to answer that it was in the Smoky Mountains at a Cherokee Indian reservation. Boy was I wrong. My guess was only two thousand miles off. To avoid being outsmarted by some clever reader I decided to look it up. That is so easy to do with all the search engines available. Add to that the number of ways we can connect to a search engine answers only take nano-seconds to come by. The answer is: The Indian Hills Community Center is in the town of Indian Hills, Colorado. Follow this link to their Facebook page.
The story behind the puns is very interesting. The punster is Vince Rozmiarek, watch this video interview to learn his story.
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”
“Great, I’ll start later.”
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks – “What the Hell is wrong with you?”
“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”
“Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really?”
“Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one either.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food; no atmosphere.
If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine.
I’m aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
Sooo, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
