PSA-170507-Science Stuff

A friend shared this and it gave me a laugh so I’ll share it
with you. Hope you haven’t seen it.

Units Of Measure

igloo.jpg

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God= 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1,000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigm

PSA-170501-Road Info

Burma Shave

017aa4e838e7f192f4b3d10b48452b9e.jpg
A man, a miss,
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.

 

Burma Shave

I’m sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives.  People laughed and then were more careful!  It was a REAL “service” to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE “really useful” ones! 

 To My Old-As-Dirt Friends and Relatives who qualify as “old as dirt.”

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

*********************************************************

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave


TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP. Burma Shave


SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE. Burma Shave


DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT. Burma Shave


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING. Burma Shave


BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE. Burma Shave


CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. Burma Shave


SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT. Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE. Burma Shave


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT? Burma Shave


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU. Burma Shave


A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’. Burma Shave


AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY. Burma Shave


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE. Burma Shave


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING. Burma Shave


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
 Burma Shave

 

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you’re merely a child.

If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! I loved reading them.

Have a great day!

 

PSA-170430-Funny No 30

This is too funny not to share. For all you young folk out there these guys are Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. You may recognize some of the more modern faces. Their laughter is infectious.

LaurelandHardyWayO_3274850k-large.jpg

 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2PN0CWsG3VEYkFDaW9YbUdCbWs/view

PSA-170429-Words

wordfinder-background.jpg
 No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
   The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    Here is his astute answer:
   “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!”
    He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

Even The Birds Do It

 

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Great quotes on sex

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”—Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”—Camille Paglia

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”—Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”—Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”—Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”—Barbara Bush

​(KILLER)​
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”—Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”—Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?—“Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, “I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”—Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”—Robin Williams

​(KILLER #2)​

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom…”—Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”—Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”—Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”—Oscar Wilde
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”—George Burns

170428-End of Month Titter

How about a few funny stories on a Friday afternoon?

I6XPuUk.jpg

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. ‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple’?

‘Because I’m the artist, who painted the picture,’ he replied.

‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

##################################################################

hooters2.jpg

Golf and lunch at HOOTERS…
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”

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o.jpg.png

Subject: The Italian Funeral
 
 A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.                                              

 
Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.
                                        

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

‘What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”   

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
 
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
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Number One Is My Favorite

I love getting stuff from friends it makes my blogging life so much easier. Below is a list of quotes by famous people from cousin Rick.

 

Philosophers Of the Century …

1.~ Betsy Salkind… image001-3.jpg

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. 

2.~ Jean Kerr…image002-3.jpg 

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. 

3.~ Prince Philip…image003-2.jpg

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

4.~ Harrison Ford… image004-2.jpg

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. 

5.~ Spike Milligan…image005-2.jpg 

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. 

6.~ Jean Rostand… image006-1.jpg

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. 

7.~  Arnold Schwarzenegger… image007-1.jpg

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. 

8.~ WH Auden… image008.jpg

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. 

9.~ Jonathan Katz… image009-1.jpg

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. 

10. ~ Johnny Carson… image010-1.jpg

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. 

11.~ Warren Tantum… image011-1.jpg(School photo album). 

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. 

12.~ Steve Martin…image012-1.jpg 

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. 

13.~ Jimmy Durante… image013-1.jpg

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. 

14.~ George Roberts.. image014-1.jpg

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. 

15.~ Jonathan Winters..image015.jpg

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. 

16. ~ Robert Benchley…image016.jpg

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

17. ~ John Glenn…image017.jpg

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. 

18. ~ David Letterman… image018.jpg

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. 

19. ~ Howard Hughes… image019.jpg

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire. 

20. ~ Old Italian proverb.. image020.jpg

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. 

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