Let’s Have Some Pun Fun

For CEREBRAL Friends & Deep Thinkers

  • Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  • What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
  • Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
  • Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?  Swarm.
  • If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
  • Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  • A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  • I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  • Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
  • How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
  • I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  • Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  • When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
  • Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  • Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a sentence.
  • Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  • I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  • I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  • What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
  • I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
  • I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back”
  • What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
  • I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Sacrilegious For Sure

My cousin Rick sent me this and titled it “Belly laugh coming up. . . ” I thought not a chance there is very little that would make me laugh out loud. I mention his name because if I’m going to hell with this one I want him holding my hand on the way down.

#############################################################

SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,“Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say,“Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
I am still laughing out loud.

Wisdom From the Masters

1.        In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.— John   Adams
 2.  If you don ‘t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.— Mark   Twain
 3.  Suppose you were an   idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then, I repeat   myself.— Mark   Twain
 4.  I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.— Winston   Churchill
 5.  A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.— George Bernard Shaw
 6.  A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.— G. Gordon   Liddy
 7.  Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.— James Bovard, Civil   Libertarian (1994)
 8.  Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.— Douglas Casey,   Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown   University
 9.  Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.— P.J. O ‘Rourke,   Civil Libertarian
 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.— Frederic Bastiat,   French economist(1801-1850)
 11.  Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.— Ronald Reagan   (1986)
 12.  I don ‘t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the   facts.— Will Rogers
 13.  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!— P.J. O ‘Rourke
 14.  In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.— Voltaire   (1764)
 15.  Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!— Pericles (430   B.C.)
 16.  No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.— Mark Twain   (1866)
 17. Talk is cheap …. Except when Congress does it.—   Anonymous
 18.  The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.— Ronald   Reagan
 19.  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.— Winston   Churchill
 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.— Mark Twain
 21.  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.— Herbert Spencer,   English Philosopher (1820-1903)
 22.  There is no distinctly Native American criminal class …. Save Congress.— Mark  Twain
 23.  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.— Edward Langley,   Artist (1928-1995)
 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.— Thomas   Jefferson
 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.—   Aesop

Humor From the North

Food for Thought

Civilization in 20 21 – this is priceless


� Our Phones – Wireless
� Cooking – Fireless
� Cars – Keyless
� Food – Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress – Sleeveless
� Youth – Jobless
� Leaders – Shameless
� Relationships – Meaningless
� Attitudes – Careless
� Babies – Fatherless
� Feelings – Heartless
� Education – Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
 
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
 
I’m scared – Shitless!
 
Only in This Stupid World ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 🤷   
 
Only in This Stupid World ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 🤷   
 
Only in This Stupid World…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke..  🤷   
 
Only in This Stupid World…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.. 🤷   
 
Only in This Stupid World ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight.. 🤷   
 
Only in This Stupid World …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 🤷   
 
 
EVER WONDER 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why don’t you ever see the Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’ ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice’ ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why is lemon juice made  with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why is the man who  invests all your money called a broker ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why is the time of  day with the slowest traffic called rush hour ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ❓❓ 🤷   
 
You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff ❓❓  🤷   
 
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains ❓❓ 🤷   
 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?  🤷   
 
 
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress ❓❓ 🤷   
 

If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal ❓❓ 🤷    🤷  

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