Funny but Sad

The World As We Know It

A friend just made my day with this bit of information. I don’t know if any of it is true. If it is, it explains why America is in trouble. If it isn’t, I commend the author for having told some pretty crazy stories.

This is priceless….says a lot about why things are the way they are in government!

A DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

I love this as the ticket agent actually names names!

1.  I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.  I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ” Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .”   His response — click.. 

3.  A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)  

4.  I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?” I said, ”No.”She said, ”But they look so close on the map” (OMG, again!) 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas … When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m, and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11  Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those” I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.” ”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is Check your map! ”So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in! Could ANYONE be this DUMB, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

Did You Ever Wonder?

PONDERISMS

  1. Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 
Can you cry under water? 
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”?  Where’s that extra penny going? (taxes) 
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 
What disease did cured ham actually have? 
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? 
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? 
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They’re going to see you naked anyway. 
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural? 
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

Asparagus and Uranium


The sign of a great writer is the ability to create interesting and real characters, and to place them into interesting situations. I just completed reading a book titled The Accidental Further Adventures of the 100 Year Old Man. Writer Jonas Jonasson lives in Sweden and crafted a superb story around two elements; asparagus and uranium. He included world leaders like Trump, Merkel, Putin, Rocket-man Kim Jong un, and others to embellish the story. In my opinion he lost points by making Trump a doofus. Other than that bit of bias I enjoyed the story because it was intriguing and funny. The idea of a one hundred year old man going on adventures drew me in.

So how were asparagus and uranium involved? A side kick of the hundred year old man grew and sold asparagus and the two of them happened upon a suitcase filled with nine pounds of enriched uranium headed for North Korea. Jonasson wove a complicated tale and made it all come together in the end.

Random Thinking While Drinking

 I was thinking;

If only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed?  Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot, poisoned, or spayed?

I was thinking;

If Donald Trump deleted all his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit (like Hillary) and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent (like Hillary).

I was thinking;

If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

I was thinking;

If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

I was thinking;

Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama’s term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

I was thinking;

We should stop calling them all ‘Entitlements’. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements, they are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn’t be called entitlements at all.  Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

I was thinking;

If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they’re Islamophobic?

I was thinking;

If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender and promote transgenders, then why did they march for women’s rights?

I was thinking;

How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders?  How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

I was thinking;

Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

I was thinking;

If you don’t want the FBI involved in elections, don’t nominate someone who’s being investigated by the FBI.

I was thinking;

If Hillary’s speeches/screeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

I was thinking;

The DNC is mad at Russia because they ‘think’ they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.

I was thinking;

If Democrats don’t want foreigners involved in our elections,  why do they think it’s all right for illegal’s to vote?

Remember, Drink, don’t Think!

 

PSA-181112-English for the Advanced Student

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You think English is easy??  
 
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?  

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

PSA-181108-Punny Stuff

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1.     The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2.      I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
3.      Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
4.      A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5.      I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6.      If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7.      It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Sumurais it for you.
8.      It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9.      So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “apocalypse”? It’s not the end of the world.
10.    Police were called to the daycare center. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11.    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13.    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14.    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16.    Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17.    I used to be allergic to soap, but I’m clean now.
18.    The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19.    What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? “The suspension is killing me.”
20.    Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21.    My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22.    What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23.    A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24.    There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25.    How do they figure the price of hammers? Per pound

Creative People Amuse Me

I have to thank my friend Rich for sending me this great diaryHarbin-Ice-and-Snow-World-32-snow-people-Harry-Alverson about how we are living in the USA today. 8:00 am I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 The transgender ma..wom…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist. 9:00 I’m on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the world in which we live today, and it is going to get much worse.
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