God’s Plan for Aging?
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow
Angels…….AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN.
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Everybody’s got it all wrong.
Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through.
And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God
Has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up
To heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there’s a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his
Son, who’s a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear
Dresses and boys didn’t go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got
A big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
Sick animals and pets. And if
They don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
– Vicki , age 8
What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone
Is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
– Sarah , age 7
- A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”
- An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about
medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”
Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
ENJOY YOUR DAY !!
3. The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near the campground when
he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He
found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for
Hillary’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming
and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free
himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers
wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled
the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their
pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat
in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him.
“I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly
proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now
I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that
guy?”Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct
contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don’t know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
4. A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now ;and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.
”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile…
5. A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth &
a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare
office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the
system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply
all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her
20’s and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me?”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
6 Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women as given by David Letterman
And here we go…
#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month..
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women…..
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.
A few weeks after leaving office former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it. Troy drives to President Obama’s new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago, where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year. Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair, that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, “$9,500.” “What?! $9,500?!” Obama asks, stunned, “But you said it’s an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!” Troy says, “Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014’. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.” In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy’s price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes unrepaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return. Troy goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let’s see, this will now cost you $21,000.” Obama quickly fires back, “What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!” Troy explains, “Well, because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they’re not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it. I’m hurting too, all thanks to rich people like you who won’t pay their ‘fair share’. On the other hand, why didn’t you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ all this would have been covered by your policy.” “You mean I wouldn’t have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?” asks Obama. “Well, not exactly,” replies Troy. “You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you’re rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a ‘silver’ plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there’s the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.” “WHAT?!” exclaims Obama. “Why so much for a puny sink leak?” With a bland look, Troy replies, “Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don’t think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the ‘middle class’, who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That’s why they call it the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’! Only people who don’t make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you’ll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle’s income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your ‘Fair Share’ instead of GIVING it.” “But who would pass a crazy act like the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’, exclaims the exasperated Obama. After a sigh, Troy replies, “Congress … because they didn’t read it.” This will help you understand how the Obama Health Care Plan functions – – – and the primary reason behind the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014’. What a marvelous explanation this is.