Tuesday Evening Giggles

A Little Humor for the Day

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. 

It’s weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It is probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember…Don’t sing! 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. 

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.  

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic.

One day you are loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks, and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like. 

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet. 

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.” 

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Success is a matter of choice not chance.  It’s your choice.

No Words Needed

PSA-210419-Long Life

Exercise and Long Life

Eat whatever you like. Don’t allow motivational speakers deceive you.


1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54


2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57


3. The world bodybuilding champion  died at the age of 41


4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60

 BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94 


6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88


7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston  died at the age of 102


8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake


9. Hennessey inventor died at 98

 

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? 

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years,

and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.


So, Take some rest, Chill, Stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life

 because none of us are going to get out of this alive anyway.

I Made It!

Throughout my lifetime I always made crude comments about people who park diagonally across the designated lines marking a parking spot. “Crazy old people” was one of my favorites. Parking diagonally takes up as many as three spaces and in a crowded parking lot that is a problem for those of us cruising the aisle s seeking a place to settle. Many years have passed and I taught myself to park between the lines as symmetrically as I possibly could. I pride myself on being able to do that. Parking with precision is my motto.

Last week I didn’t pre-plan my approach to a spot and pulled in as well as was possible for a long car. When I got out and looked at the position of the line relative to the car I laughed out loud and said, “Crazy Old Man.” I did it without trying very hard and parked diagonally in the spot. I achieved senior parking status without trying.

My plan is to buy a new car soon, as my trusty Avalon which I fondly refer to as the Death Star is beginning to show signs of age and the mileage is quickly approaching two hundred thousand. The problem I see for me is that the new car I want is longer and will be harder to park. So the title of “Crazy Old Person” will be forever bestowed upon me, by me.

PSA-210309-Be Careful What You Write

Did I read that sign right?     

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.   
—————————— —————————— —————————— –
In a Laundromat:   
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.   
—————————— —————————— —————————–
In a London department store:   
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…   
—————————— —————————— ————————-
In an office:   
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.   
—————————— —————————— —————————— —————————— —————
In an office:   
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.   
—————————— —————————— —————————— —
Outside a second-hand shop:   
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?   
—————————— —————————— —————————— —————————— —
Notice in health food shop window:   
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ————
Spotted in a safari park:   
(I sure hope so.)   
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.   
—————————— —————————— ———
Seen during a conference:   
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.   
—————————— —————————— ————————–
Notice in a farmer’s field:   
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.   
—————————— —————————— ——————–
Message on a leaflet:   
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.   
—————————— —————————— ———————–
On a repair shop door:   
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)   
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
—————————— —————————— —————————— —
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife   
And Daughter   
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.   
—————————— —————————— —————————— —————————— —————–
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says   
Really? Ya’ think?   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————-
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
Now that’s taking things a bit far!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
What a guy!     
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————
Miners Refuse to Work after Death   
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!   
 
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant     
See if that works better than a fair trial!
 —————————– —————————— —————————— ———————–
War Dims Hope for Peace   
I can see where it might have that effect!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————-
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile   
Ya’ think?!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————-
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
Who would have thought!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ———————
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ——————–
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?           
—————————— —————————— —————————— ——————–
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   
He probably IS the battery charge!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ——————–
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren’t they fat enough?!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ——————–
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!   
—————————— —————————— —————————— ——————–
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
Do they taste like chicken?   
****************************** ****************************** ********************   
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half   
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!   
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
Boy, are they tall!   
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is…   
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead   
Did I read that right?

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