PSA-200826-Fun With Words

I love it when friends feed me things I can post.


Lexophilia

 “Lexophile” describes those that have a love of words, especially in word games, such as: “To write with a broken pencil  is pointless.”  An annual competition is held in New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year’s submissions:    

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore. 

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired. 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it. 

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Moaning is tolerated and rated for effectiveness.

PSA-200812-Seniorisms

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit. 

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad. 

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work. 

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.” 

#6 – “On time” is when you get there. 

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound. 

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 – Lately, You’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you. 

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer. 

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up. 

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will. 

And one more:

“One for the road” means going to the bathroom before you leave the house.

 AMEN

Puns Too Long To Get

 1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years   of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” 
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are.”

———————

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

———————

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

———————

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out
a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief,
telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on.”

———————-

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

———————-

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
———————–

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

PSA-200730-Questions and Answers

Funnies!  😷

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under “Fiction”.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? 

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eyeglasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

COVID-19 Cruise

Some Strange English

– The meaning of opaque is unclear.

– I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

– Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

– A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

– I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

– It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

– So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

– Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

– The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

– Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

– Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

– I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

– Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

– I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

– The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

– What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

– Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

– My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sewitseams.

– What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

– A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

– There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

– How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

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