Asparagus and Uranium


The sign of a great writer is the ability to create interesting and real characters, and to place them into interesting situations. I just completed reading a book titled The Accidental Further Adventures of the 100 Year Old Man. Writer Jonas Jonasson lives in Sweden and crafted a superb story around two elements; asparagus and uranium. He included world leaders like Trump, Merkel, Putin, Rocket-man Kim Jong un, and others to embellish the story. In my opinion he lost points by making Trump a doofus. Other than that bit of bias I enjoyed the story because it was intriguing and funny. The idea of a one hundred year old man going on adventures drew me in.

So how were asparagus and uranium involved? A side kick of the hundred year old man grew and sold asparagus and the two of them happened upon a suitcase filled with nine pounds of enriched uranium headed for North Korea. Jonasson wove a complicated tale and made it all come together in the end.

Random Thinking While Drinking

 I was thinking;

If only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed?  Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot, poisoned, or spayed?

I was thinking;

If Donald Trump deleted all his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit (like Hillary) and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent (like Hillary).

I was thinking;

If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

I was thinking;

If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

I was thinking;

Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama’s term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

I was thinking;

We should stop calling them all ‘Entitlements’. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements, they are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn’t be called entitlements at all.  Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

I was thinking;

If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they’re Islamophobic?

I was thinking;

If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender and promote transgenders, then why did they march for women’s rights?

I was thinking;

How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders?  How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

I was thinking;

Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

I was thinking;

If you don’t want the FBI involved in elections, don’t nominate someone who’s being investigated by the FBI.

I was thinking;

If Hillary’s speeches/screeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

I was thinking;

The DNC is mad at Russia because they ‘think’ they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.

I was thinking;

If Democrats don’t want foreigners involved in our elections,  why do they think it’s all right for illegal’s to vote?

Remember, Drink, don’t Think!

 

PSA-181112-English for the Advanced Student

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You think English is easy??  
 
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?  

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

PSA-181108-Punny Stuff

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1.     The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2.      I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
3.      Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
4.      A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5.      I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6.      If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7.      It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Sumurais it for you.
8.      It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9.      So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “apocalypse”? It’s not the end of the world.
10.    Police were called to the daycare center. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11.    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13.    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14.    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16.    Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17.    I used to be allergic to soap, but I’m clean now.
18.    The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19.    What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? “The suspension is killing me.”
20.    Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21.    My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22.    What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23.    A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24.    There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25.    How do they figure the price of hammers? Per pound

Creative People Amuse Me

I have to thank my friend Rich for sending me this great diaryHarbin-Ice-and-Snow-World-32-snow-people-Harry-Alverson about how we are living in the USA today. 8:00 am I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 The transgender ma..wom…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist. 9:00 I’m on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the world in which we live today, and it is going to get much worse.

PSA180924-More Useless Stuff

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  1. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC.
  2.  When you hear a bullwhip snap, it’s because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.
  3.  Hair is made from the same substance as fingernails.
  4.  The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.
  5.  ‘Obsession’ is the most popular boat name.
  6.  The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It to Beaver.”
  7.  Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.
  8. Your brain uses up about 20% of all your body’s oxygen and calories.
  9. Every year 56,000,000 people attend major league baseball games.
  10. A full 7% of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.
  11. During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
  12.  The least used letter in the alphabet is Q.
  13.  26 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill,
  14. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
  15. A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second.
  16.  Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
  17. The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3-4 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
  18.  Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
  19. Al Gore’s roommate in college (Harvard, class of 1969) was Tommy Lee Jones.
  20. The average person laughs 10 times a day.
  21. Americans travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air every day.
  22. More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
  23. A group of frogs is called an army.
  24. The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515.
  25. 72% of Americans sign their pets’ names on greeting cards they send out.
  26. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
  27. All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job in case their pants split.
  28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  29. The average American butt is 14.9 inches long.
  30. A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined.
  31. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill’s partner at Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600.
  32. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.
  33. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury.
  34. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do.
  35. It is unlikely that a person could actually die in quicksand, since most quicksand is only a few inches deep
  36.  There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
  37. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
  38. There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes and compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.
  39.  Goldfish can see both infrared and ultraviolet light.
  40.  A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
  41. 60 Minutes on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.
  42. Costco is the largest wine retailer in the United States. Annual wine sales are about $700 million
  43. California consumes more bottled water than any other product.
  44.  The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’
  45. When three-letter airport codes became standard, airports that had been using two letters simply added an X.
  46. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
  47. Nintendo was founded in 1889.
  48. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.
  49. 1 googol is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros.
  50. A rainbow can be seen only in the morning or late afternoon. It can occur only when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon.
  51.  The number one tire manufacturer in the world? LEGO.
  52. President Lincoln’s dog Fido was also assassinated.
  53. The words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
  54. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
  55. The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotrophe.
  56. Cows don’t have upper front teeth.
  57.  They have square watermelons in Japan – they stack better.
  58. Frogs don’t drink (they absorb water through their skin).
  59. Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
  60. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”
  61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
  62. Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
  63. Most collect calls are made on Father’s Day.

PSA-180915, A History Lesson

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