PSA-181112-English for the Advanced Student

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You think English is easy??  
 
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?  

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

PSA-181108-Punny Stuff

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1.     The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2.      I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
3.      Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
4.      A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5.      I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6.      If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7.      It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Sumurais it for you.
8.      It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9.      So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “apocalypse”? It’s not the end of the world.
10.    Police were called to the daycare center. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11.    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13.    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14.    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16.    Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17.    I used to be allergic to soap, but I’m clean now.
18.    The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19.    What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? “The suspension is killing me.”
20.    Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21.    My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22.    What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23.    A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24.    There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25.    How do they figure the price of hammers? Per pound

Creative People Amuse Me

I have to thank my friend Rich for sending me this great diaryHarbin-Ice-and-Snow-World-32-snow-people-Harry-Alverson about how we are living in the USA today. 8:00 am I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 The transgender ma..wom…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist. 9:00 I’m on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the world in which we live today, and it is going to get much worse.

PSA180924-More Useless Stuff

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  1. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC.
  2.  When you hear a bullwhip snap, it’s because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.
  3.  Hair is made from the same substance as fingernails.
  4.  The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.
  5.  ‘Obsession’ is the most popular boat name.
  6.  The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It to Beaver.”
  7.  Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.
  8. Your brain uses up about 20% of all your body’s oxygen and calories.
  9. Every year 56,000,000 people attend major league baseball games.
  10. A full 7% of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.
  11. During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
  12.  The least used letter in the alphabet is Q.
  13.  26 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill,
  14. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
  15. A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second.
  16.  Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
  17. The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3-4 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
  18.  Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
  19. Al Gore’s roommate in college (Harvard, class of 1969) was Tommy Lee Jones.
  20. The average person laughs 10 times a day.
  21. Americans travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air every day.
  22. More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
  23. A group of frogs is called an army.
  24. The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515.
  25. 72% of Americans sign their pets’ names on greeting cards they send out.
  26. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
  27. All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job in case their pants split.
  28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  29. The average American butt is 14.9 inches long.
  30. A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined.
  31. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill’s partner at Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600.
  32. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.
  33. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury.
  34. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do.
  35. It is unlikely that a person could actually die in quicksand, since most quicksand is only a few inches deep
  36.  There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
  37. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
  38. There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes and compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.
  39.  Goldfish can see both infrared and ultraviolet light.
  40.  A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
  41. 60 Minutes on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.
  42. Costco is the largest wine retailer in the United States. Annual wine sales are about $700 million
  43. California consumes more bottled water than any other product.
  44.  The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’
  45. When three-letter airport codes became standard, airports that had been using two letters simply added an X.
  46. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
  47. Nintendo was founded in 1889.
  48. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.
  49. 1 googol is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros.
  50. A rainbow can be seen only in the morning or late afternoon. It can occur only when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon.
  51.  The number one tire manufacturer in the world? LEGO.
  52. President Lincoln’s dog Fido was also assassinated.
  53. The words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
  54. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
  55. The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotrophe.
  56. Cows don’t have upper front teeth.
  57.  They have square watermelons in Japan – they stack better.
  58. Frogs don’t drink (they absorb water through their skin).
  59. Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
  60. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”
  61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
  62. Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
  63. Most collect calls are made on Father’s Day.

PSA-180915, A History Lesson

PSA-180911-Punny Signs

There is one clever person living in Indian Hills.

PSA-180828-Senior Wisdom

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights”!
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually, I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
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