Just Fun

A

I Guess I’m a Winer

Is it five o’clock yet?

 

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PSA-160518-World Diets

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
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> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
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> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
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> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
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> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
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> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
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> CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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It Just Keeps Coming

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

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How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this

I love being over 60. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right?

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

I Hate My NuWave Again

My family began arriving at twelve thirty today for our Easter celebration. My job was to make a ham and theirs was to bring side dishes. What a great chance to retry my Nu-Wave cooker to make a spiral ham. The last time I did this I set the ham so the bone was horizontal and the cuts were vertical. The ham fanned out like a deck of cards, and the individual slices were roasted to ham chips. The thing was crunchy to eat, flavorful, but crunchy. This time I decided to set the ham vertically so the slices were horizontal and they wouldn’t fan. I will be vindicated I told myself, I will show this group of skeptical children that I am the Master of the Nu-Wave. Wrong! The ham didn’t fan, but the edges got crispy. It was also over done. Once again the cooker I love so much became the cooker I hate with a vengeance. The tip of the meat nearest the heat element was charcoal broiled and so tough my electric knife wouldn’t cut through it.

In order to save my self esteem after Grace I announced that three years ago I retired from hosting the big holiday dinners. I told my kids it was time for me to pass the baton to them, and to remind them of why I retired, “I present you with a burnt offering.”

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The Company Christmas Party

The sequence of company communications below is absolutely knee slapping hilarious. It reminds me of the days I still worked for a living. Our company was still small, and too cheap to give us a party, so we the employees, organized a Christmas Dinner Party with drinks, food, and music. We charged twenty bucks a couple for a Favor. The party took place at Chet and Lucy’s in Oak Forest.

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We made one fatal error. At the last minute one of our organizers invited the company owner and his wife. The “man” came, and had a wonderful time. The band that entertained was a trio of wanna be cowboys from the Tool Room who played instruments and sang country songs. The evening was a huge hit. So much so, that the owner called the committee, and thanked them for organizing, and he asked to be included from then on.

When the party was small, everyone there knew every one else. The owner and his wife blended in like family. As the function grew things changed. Suddenly, the owner and his wife were sitting at a table with the corporate officers. One year I happened to arrive late. There were only two seats left in the house, so Barb and I had dinner with the owner, his wife, the Executive VP, and his wife, and the VP of Marketing and his wife. What do you talk about to people like that? They certainly were not interested in how our kids were developing in school, or our camping trips. We survived, and we learned that even though they made a lot more money than I did, they were simple folks. We made it a point to come earlier after that.

The company grew but the Christmas party did not, and the newer Divisions located within a few miles from head quarters complained that it was unfair that they were not included. The party grew. The owner kept coming, and his wife asked if she could entertain by singing with the band. Reluctantly they agreed she could (all feared for their careers). She sang, but off key. Her husband was completely embarrassed, but he loved his wife and said nothing. After that party, he told the committee he would pop for a regular band (he wanted one that stayed away from his wife’s favorite music). The party out grew Chet and Lucy’s and moved to Silver Lakes Country Club.

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The company kept growing and the Divisions kept expanding to the point where each one held their own “intimate” Christmas party. The owner and his wife regaled at going to all the events, but after a few years it became apparent that it was too much party for them. In some years they had to make several parties on the same night. He asked the Divisions to organize a single function in a venue big enough to handle two thousand people. There was only one in the Southwest suburbs big enough to do the job, Condesa Del Mar. The Condessa was a new banquet hall which featured big name entertainment to draw people. Their very first function was a dinner dance featuring Bob Hope as the entertainer. Needless to say, the Condessa became a name on the SW side.

The company party at the Condessa promised to be a fabulous evening. All the big shots were there; the politicking and ass kissing that went on was astronomical. The Condessa was overwhelmed. Their cook staff could not accommodate two-thousand hot meals served simultaneously, and by the time the back end of the hall was being served, the front end people were listening to the featured comedian entertainer. The dinner was steak, but because it got cold waiting for the staff to serve them they ladled brown gravy over the meat to keep warm. Hundreds of diners rejected the meal, and they went back to the kitchen untouched.

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After this event, the owner called the committee together and commanded that such a huge party would never be held again. Instead each Division got a budget to run their own party any way they deemed fit. The owner never attended again.

As I write this tale I think about how this story is a direct example of our government. The bigger it gets the more screwed up simple things become.

Here is the series of memos I received from a friend that tickled my brain into remembering this story.

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name…

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

Food Czar

The Frankfort library has an extensive movie collection and I take advantage of it frequently. Two days ago I checked out three films none of which I have ever heard of before. All three are relatively recent: 2014. Magic in the Moonlight, They Came Together, and Chef. Of the three, I definitely liked Chef the best, it has all the elements of a story that I like. The cast was familiar but I must admit I did not know the main character John Favreau, but I recognized Dustin Hoffman, Robert Downey Jr., John Leguizamo, Sofia Vergaro, and Scarlett Johansonn.

The story revolves around Chef Carl Casper, his ex-wife Sofia Vergara, and their son Emjay Anthony. Chef Carl is preparing a special menu to serve a food critic that evening. His boss, restaurant owner Dustin Hoffman, tells him that he has a winning menu and he should stick with it. Chef Carl obeys his master. The food critic hates the food, and pans Chef Carl on his food blog. To make matters worse he Tweets a disparaging remark about the Chef. Everyone sees the article and the tweet except Chef Carl who is so into his food that he doesn’t have time for social media. His ten year old son helps him get started by signing him onto a Twitter account. He shows his dad how to send messages. Chef Carl sends his first tweet which is a return remark at the food critic, equally caustic. His message goes viral and he instantly picks up nearly two thousand followers. The two of them Tweet insults back and forth and the follows increase. Then, the story gets interesting.

Without a doubt this movie is hilarious and serious at the same time. The story about the relationship between a divorced father and his son is sometimes, happy, sad, and funny. The son becomes a hero by building his dad into a food czar on Twitter. I loved this story, I give it five stars.

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