Honest, I only Had One Beer

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints. After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”
“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to America and the other one moved to Australia. Now we are on 3 different continents and we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a pint for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”
The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behaviour and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 pints and drinking them in turn.
But then one day “Mister 3 Pints” comes in and orders only 2 glasses. The whole pub gets silent and the by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 pints the barkeeper says: “I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolances on your loss.”
The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.”

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Yesterday, Peg and I spent a quiet day together. Just her and Me. We haven’t had such a day in quite some time. Peg’s caretaker hasn’t had a day off in over month and when her son called to say he was coming to  take her on an adventure she jumped at the chance. Being the outstanding employer that I am I jumped at the chance to get her out of the house away from me and Peg for a few hours.

The caretaker’s son owns a motorhome and he stores it in a barn for the winter. He planned to put it into storage this weekend. “What a great day to take mom out into nature to unwind before I put this thing away for the winter.”  Not that her job is that stressful, but it is boring and boring leads to stress. Her routine is to keep Peg fed, clean, medicated, and happy. She does three of the four exceptionally well.  Keeping Peg happy is a huge task. Only because we can never tell how she feels or what she feels. Peg doesn’t communicate, ever. The only time we know she is unhappy is when she experiences pain. Then she communicates with a yelp, scowl, or grimace.

The two of them left in this huge motorhome to places unknown to me. Peg and I were alone, all alone. In our better days before her dementia hit there is no question about how we would have spent our alone time, but this time we were alone and unable to fool around. I said a prayer that I would remain a good husband throughout the day.

I did fairly well in moving Peg to bed for her afternoon respite from the wheelchair. We force her to lay on her side only to get the pressure off her ass. Otherwise she develops a skin breakdown ending in a bedsore. We don’t like bedsores, neither does Peg. If you watch the commercials for lawyers looking for business, you will note that if your loved one in a nursing home has a bed sore it is grounds to sue for negligence. Therefore, we don’t like bedsores, not because lawyers love them but because they are painful, and ugly, and horrible to look at.

The caretaker’s son Freddie returned his mother to the job in time for Peg’s bed hour. To appease me for stealing his mother for a day he presented me with a bottle of Crazy Brewski beer. Brewed in his home country of Lithuania and bottled here in South Carolina.

Crazy Brewski, Lithuanian Beer

Of course Peg saved her daily BM for me. I struggled through the cleanup and re-diaper with a minimum of fuss and she was happy, I think. Supper was fun. I made it easy by popping a frozen pizza into the oven and literally threw shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes, and balsamic vinegar dressing into a bowl for salad. We ate together, She polished off one eighth of the pie, and in the same time I finished four eighths, or half the pie. She sipped on a glass of pink Moscato through a straw and I swilled two glasses of Pinot Noir. That difference in eating is why Peg never weighs more than a hundred pounds with a 28 inch waist and I thunder about at 198 and a bulbous 40 plus waist.

This evening I popped for a couple of rib dinners from a local take out called Mindy’s famous for ribs. To go along with it I split the Crazy Brewski with the caretaker. Normally, I have a single glass of red wine with my supper, but I substituted the wine with the Brewski. A few sips into the beer, which was excellent, and sweet, I took note of the alcohol content. Crazy Brewski has 15% alcohol. A normal US beer like Coors has at most 4% and wine has 11%.  Needless to say, I am buzzed. 

That is my story, and I’m sticking to it. 

A Lovely Afternoon With My Daughter

This afternoon I got to spend time with my daughter. We had lunch in downtown Joliet at the Joliet Junior College Culinary Arts Center. My grandson, (her son) was part of the staff in the kitchen. Joey, is in his final semester in the Culinary Arts curriculum. His station today was sandwiches. The school did an amazing job of designing a kitchen-restaurant for teaching kids to become chefs, and hospitality managers. Thank goodness Jacque made reservations because the place was filled to capacity. The once a week luncheon operates between 11:30 and 1:00 p.m. We arrived at noon, but it took me fifteen minutes to find a parking spot. Like most city centers Joliet is a menage of big buildings, separated by narrow streets which are laden with traffic.

After three circles around the block, I finally found a street spot a block and a half away from the restaurant. I parallel parked like a pro and we disembarked. I failed to notice a sign next to the spot which read “No Parking Special Event, vehicles will be towed,” oops! I told Jacque to wait there for me and I would go to the garage a block further up the street.

The garage was five floors high and had exits on three sides, with only one entrance on the west side. Of course I had to drive around the building to find that one entrance. I turned in to see a sign Hotel Parking. Joliet s a famous casino town and this garage was next to the casino. There was no gate nor a ticket vendor at the entrance. I found a spot of the second floor, and parked. I met Jacque and we walked back to the restaurant.

The lunch menu was great. We had a Thai egg roll for appetizer and she had a tomato, bean soup that resembled chili. There was a bread basket on the table with an assortment of home-made dinner rolls, and a plate of specially flavored butters. I sampled them all. Three of the four butters were very tasty, and one was bland. The rolls were excellent and fresh-baked. For my entre I ordered a bacon, cheese topped packed pork wrap. It was excellent. Jacque ordered a monster hamburger which she could only eat a small part of. A gob of very salty french fries sided each sandwich with a small cup of special catsup.   We brought most of it home. For dessert we ordered a chocolate mouse topped custard pie served with dabs of lemon, lemon sorbet, a dollop of whipped cream, and a small portion of orange marmalade. Wow! We did finish that.

The entire restaurant is a teaching laboratory, Waitresses took orders on a tablet connected wirelessly to the kitchen. Each chef received his work load electronically and the time to table measured as a metric of performance. The wait staff was measured on the time it took them to get to the table, then the time it took to take our order, and finally on the time between what it took the chef to finish an order to the time the order made it to the table. I thought, my God why would a person want to go to college to be a waitress? I quizzed our waitress, she was really attending the school in the curriculum of Hospitality Management, and was required to spend one semester working the restaurant for lunch. She went to school three days a week and worked three different jobs the remaining four days.  She is a typical energetic college kid.

Jacque and I sauntered back to the car crossing a couple of streets which had walk signs. We were waiting for the red hand to turn so we could cross safely.  “You know Jacque, the liberals of our country have overlooked a very racist government controlled feature of our transportation system.”

“What?”

“Look at us, we are waiting for the little white man to let us know it is safe to cross.”

“Da-ad, what do you expect them to do?”

The libs are always poking us about white privilege and how whites reign supreme over all other colors of people but they overlooked the most racist symbol of control over people, the little white man who allows us to cross a street. It is never a little black man, nor a yellow man, he is always white. He lords over all races, and the libs don’t say a word about it. Instead they demolish hundred year old statues, and confederate flags as racist symbols while completely overlooking the millions of these walk signs around the entire country. She changed the subject and I was glad she did.

Mosey sign on crossing.

 

Send Me A Pizza

 
Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir – it’s Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.



No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.



OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual – you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage –
pepperoni –  mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.


 

OK – that’s what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin
crust?

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

 

 

 

How do you know?

 

 

 

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.



Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take
medication for my cholesterol.



Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drugsale  Network, 4 months ago.

 

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.



I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.



I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using
an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention
of helping you.

Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter –
WhatsApp and all the others!!   I’m going to an island without
internet – cable  TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one
to watch me or spy on me !!



I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first.  It
expired 6 weeks ago

 

Just Fun

A

I Guess I’m a Winer

Is it five o’clock yet?

 

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PSA-160518-World Diets

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
>

It Just Keeps Coming

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

Classic_Supreme_Pizza.png

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this

I love being over 60. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right?

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

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