This week I have had a bonanza of stuff come across my in-basket that is too good not to share.
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THE BATTLING BOYS OF BENGHAZI

We’re the battling boys of Benghazi
No fame, no glory, no paparazzi.
Just a fiery death in a blazing hell
Defending our country we loved so well.
It wasn’t our job, but we answered the call,
fought to the Consulate and scaled the wall.
We pulled twenty Countrymen from the jaws of fate
Led them to safety, and stood at the gate.
Just the two of us, and foes by the score,
But we stood fast to bar the door.
Three calls for reinforcement, but all were denied,
So we fought, and we fought, and we fought ’til we died.
We gave our all for our Uncle Sam,
But Barack Obama didn’t give a damn.
Just two dead seals who carried the load?
No thanks to us, we were just “Bumps In The Road”.
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
“The balcony”…….
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So true it hurts!

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says,” and I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog, and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a
storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.

“Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father went white, and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

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The wisdom of seniors

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.  So he went to Dr. Geezer’s
clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.”  Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: — “Aaagh! — This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so “Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500.”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer!”
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Goat’s Head
I was driving home and listening to a sports call-in program, carried by WGN in Chicago on SIRIUS. People were calling in, very upset, about the goat’s head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field .

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said, ”Why are you people so upset ’cause someone sent a goat’s head to Wrigley Field ? Aren’t you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse’s ass to the White House? ”

I had to pull over.
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Missing wife:

Husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home….

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission, and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
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Not so funny

How to get $75k in benefits for you and your girlfriend.

This describes people that are not incapacitated or in need but lazy, immoral people that have no ambition and take advantage of the system! They also set the example for the next generation. There are organizations that encourage this behavior. By the way, this government money is your money as a tax payer. Governments have no money but what they take from the tax payer.

Follow these proven steps:

1. Don’t get married to her.
2. Use your mom’s address to get mail sent to.
3. The guy buys a house.
4. Guy rents out house to his girlfriend who has 2 of his kids.
5. Section 8 will pay 900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.
6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn’t have to pay out the butt for family insurance.
7. Girlfriend gets to go to college for free being a single mother
8. Girlfriend gets 600 a month for food stamps
9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone
10. Girlfriend get free utilities.
11. Guy moves into home but uses moms house to get mail sent to.
12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now you both get to claim head of house hold at $1800 credit.
13. Girlfriend gets disability for being “crazy” or having a “bad back” at    $1800 a month and never has to work again.

This plan is perfectly legal and is being executed now by millions of people.

A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0 dollars.

An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets.

21600 disability +
10800 free housing +
6000 free ObamaCare +
6000 free food +
4800 free utilities +
6000 Pell grant money to spend +
12000 a year in college tuition free from Pell grant +
8800 tax benefit for being a single mother
———
75,000 a year in benefits

Any idea why the country is 18 + trillion in debt???
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This is funny
Things that I trust MORE than Hillary Clinton:

1)  Mexican Tap Water
2)   A Rattle Snake with a “Pet Me” Sign
3)   O.J. Simpson showing me his knife collection
4)   A fart when I have diarrhea
5)   An elevator ride with Ray Rice
6)   Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
7)   Michael Jackson’s Doctor
8)   An Obama nuclear deal with Iran
9)   A Palestinian on a Motorcycle
10) Gas Station Sushi
11) A Jimmy Carter economic plan
12) Brian Williams news reports
13) Loch Ness Monster Sightings
14) Big Foot Sightings
15) Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton
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That’s All Folks

Filed under: family, Humor | Tagged: Facts, Jokes, poems | 1 Comment »