170623-Funnies

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     The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
      There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.
      ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
Good Heavens‘ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’
‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking’
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SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong –
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the  remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.
Turns out it’s about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
  Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For god sakes ,   if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  made you fart?”

QANTAS
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!! “

PSA-170507-Science Stuff

A friend shared this and it gave me a laugh so I’ll share it
with you. Hope you haven’t seen it.

Units Of Measure

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1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God= 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1,000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigm

170428-End of Month Titter

How about a few funny stories on a Friday afternoon?

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. ‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple’?

‘Because I’m the artist, who painted the picture,’ he replied.

‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

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hooters2.jpg

Golf and lunch at HOOTERS…
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”

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Subject: The Italian Funeral
 
 A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.                                              

 
Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.
                                        

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

‘What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”   

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
 
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
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Holy Humor During Holy Week

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During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
    Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“Then how come He doesn’t answer?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

TGIF

The sun is shining, there is a mild breeze, the trees are bursting into bloom, and the birds are singing. It is a perfect day to sit down with a longneck and enjoy some relaxation. In  keeping with this spirit I propose you get into the mood with a few funny stories.

Married 50 years 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
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Secrets-to-a-long-happy-marriage.jpg
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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A Jewish  grandmother   is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming  to visit with his   wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .   There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button  301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 301. When you get out, I’m on the  left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these  buttons with my elbow

………”What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his  bedside, Guido,   I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a  my   chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember  me.””But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave  me your   Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna   be runna  da business, you gonna have a beautiful   wife, lotsa money, a big-a  home and maybe a couple   of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda  you   wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down,  rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby,  Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of  the   dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The  other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

…… but all men…are men!

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COLONOSCOPY IN SAN FRANCISCO

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, 
on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
procedure. 

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to
get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arab-bizarro.gif

 

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

> 
> The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it 
> protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
> 
> “And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the 
> young man.
> 
> “It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it 
> protects the body,” said the father.
> 
> The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
> 
> His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning 
> our feet from hot sand in the desert.”
> 
> “So tell me then,” added the boy.
> 
> “Yes, my son?”
> “Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit

170331-Giggles

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Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.  The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.” 

“Well,” said the big gator,“what have you been eating?”  

“Politicians, same as you,”replied the small gator. 
 
“Hmm….. Well, where do you catch them?” 
 
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.” 
 
“Same here. Hmm…. How do you catch them?”
 
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!” 
 
“Same here.” says the big gator. “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?” 
 
“I eat only the Democrats”says the little guy. 
 
“Ah!” says the big gator. “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment.
You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
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Subject: Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.

The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim
bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye,
but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a
copy of Donald Trump’s Book on his

U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly,
“as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog because my mum said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”
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A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in
a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was 
visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply,
“Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady
there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of
water.
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
 Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
 “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you
later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”
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Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” Pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.”

“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”

True Confession

Confessionale.jpg

Elderly Italian Man

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini,Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest
slid open the door to the confessional, the man said: ..
“Father forgive me for I have sinned. During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her
in my attic.

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and
sometimes twice on Sundays

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people
under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of
the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have
one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

” Should I tell her the war is over?

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