211220-b-More Memes, Jokes, Cartoons

Leaving October

I thought I would leave October with a few funny stories.

On the lighter side of life!  

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his
eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
You gotta love Grandmas!
 

 A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.” 
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!” 

 Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A+.
  

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”
  

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

Enjoy the dark days of November!

The Joy of Age

The Joys of Getting Older

CALL THE POLICE– WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND YOU DON’T MOVE FAST,

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  He said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available George said, “Okay.”  He hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two FireTrucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them! “George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” True Story ……Don’t Mess With Old People!

How Stupid is this? I will not frame this photo for my desk

The only redeeming virtue of this scene is the intarsia piece hanging on the wall called Three Roses.

GETTING OLDER A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. 
“Is it true,” she wanted to know,
“that the medication  you prescribed has to be taken 
for the rest of my life?” 
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. 
There was a moment of silence 
before the senior lady replied, 
“I’m wondering, then, 
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is 
marked  ‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery  and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,  perform the operation. 
As he was about to get the anesthesia,  he asked to speak  to his son.”Yes, Dad, what is it?”  “Don’t be nervous, son;  do your best, and just remember,  if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Aging: 
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your 
age  and start bragging about it. 
This is so true.  I love  to hear them say 
“you don’t look that old.” 
—————————— — 
The older we get, the fewer things 
seem worth waiting in line for. 
(Mostly because we forgot why we 
were waiting in line in the first place  !!) 
—————————— — 
Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me!  I want people to know why I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way  and some of the roads weren’t  paved. 
******************** 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 
—————————— – 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. 
~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 
********* 
First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you forget to pull up your zipper…  it’s worse when you forget to pull it down. 
““““““““ 
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart  when they collide. 
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that.  I’m looking for my wife,  and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention  to where I was going. “The young guy says, That’s OK, it’s a  coincidence. 
I’m looking for my wife, too…  I can’t find her and I’m getting a little  desperate.” 
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?” 
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,  blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs,  and is wearing short shorts. 
What does your wife look like?’ 
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,  — let’s look for yours.” 

210711-Believe it or Not!

“Florida Woman Stops 12 foot Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol.” 

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.  This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here’s her story in her own words:  “While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in  T he Villages, Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.    It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.   She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  

“If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today.  Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The alligator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was truly incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus.”

PSA-200730-Questions and Answers

Funnies!  😷

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under “Fiction”.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? 

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eyeglasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

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