The Joy of Age

The Joys of Getting Older

CALL THE POLICE– WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND YOU DON’T MOVE FAST,

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  He said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available George said, “Okay.”  He hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two FireTrucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them! “George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” True Story ……Don’t Mess With Old People!

How Stupid is this? I will not frame this photo for my desk

The only redeeming virtue of this scene is the intarsia piece hanging on the wall called Three Roses.

GETTING OLDER A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. 
“Is it true,” she wanted to know,
“that the medication  you prescribed has to be taken 
for the rest of my life?” 
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. 
There was a moment of silence 
before the senior lady replied, 
“I’m wondering, then, 
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is 
marked  ‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery  and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,  perform the operation. 
As he was about to get the anesthesia,  he asked to speak  to his son.”Yes, Dad, what is it?”  “Don’t be nervous, son;  do your best, and just remember,  if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Aging: 
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your 
age  and start bragging about it. 
This is so true.  I love  to hear them say 
“you don’t look that old.” 
—————————— — 
The older we get, the fewer things 
seem worth waiting in line for. 
(Mostly because we forgot why we 
were waiting in line in the first place  !!) 
—————————— — 
Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me!  I want people to know why I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way  and some of the roads weren’t  paved. 
******************** 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 
—————————— – 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. 
~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 
********* 
First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you forget to pull up your zipper…  it’s worse when you forget to pull it down. 
““““““““ 
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart  when they collide. 
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that.  I’m looking for my wife,  and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention  to where I was going. “The young guy says, That’s OK, it’s a  coincidence. 
I’m looking for my wife, too…  I can’t find her and I’m getting a little  desperate.” 
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?” 
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,  blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs,  and is wearing short shorts. 
What does your wife look like?’ 
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,  — let’s look for yours.” 

210711-Believe it or Not!

“Florida Woman Stops 12 foot Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol.” 

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.  This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here’s her story in her own words:  “While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in  T he Villages, Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.    It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.   She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  

“If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today.  Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The alligator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was truly incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus.”

PSA-200730-Questions and Answers

Funnies!  😷

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under “Fiction”.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? 

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eyeglasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

COVID-19 Cruise

Funtime-171104-Seven Days In A Week

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,  

“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that!  I’m dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.    Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa … 
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

PSA-170823-More Useless Info

32 Things To Get Your Mind Off Politics…..I never knew

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

images-27.jpeg

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.  
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why. 
7. A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″. 
8. During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch). 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??) 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s ‘Born in the USA.’
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (and that is a more accurate description)
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
SEE….NOW WASN’T THAT CALMING AND NICE FOR A CHANGE?.
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