PSA-200730-Questions and Answers

Posted on 31/07/2020 by Grumpa Joe

Funnies!  😷

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under “Fiction”.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? 

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eyeglasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

COVID-19 Cruise

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Funtime-171104-Seven Days In A Week

Posted on 04/11/2017 by Grumpa Joe
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,  

“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that!  I’m dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.    Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa … 
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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PSA-170823-More Useless Info

Posted on 23/08/2017 by Grumpa Joe

32 Things To Get Your Mind Off Politics…..I never knew

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

images-27.jpeg

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.  
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why. 
7. A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″. 
8. During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch). 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??) 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s ‘Born in the USA.’
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (and that is a more accurate description)
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
SEE….NOW WASN’T THAT CALMING AND NICE FOR A CHANGE?.

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Today’s Senior Wisdom

Posted on 15/08/2017 by Grumpa Joe
05de5303c65033dd9710e6a8bd7c43bb--christmas-humor-merry-christmas
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered: 
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
 
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

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170623-Funnies

Posted on 23/06/2017 by Grumpa Joe

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     The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
      There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.
      ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
‘Good Heavens‘ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’
‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking’
###################################################################
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong –
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the  remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.
Turns out it’s about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
  Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For god sakes ,   if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  made you fart?”

QANTAS
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!! “

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