Funtime-171104-Seven Days In A Week

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,  

“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that!  I’m dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.    Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa … 
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

PSA-170823-More Useless Info

32 Things To Get Your Mind Off Politics…..I never knew

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

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2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.  
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why. 
7. A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″. 
8. During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch). 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??) 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s ‘Born in the USA.’
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (and that is a more accurate description)
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
SEE….NOW WASN’T THAT CALMING AND NICE FOR A CHANGE?.

Today’s Senior Wisdom

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Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered: 
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
 
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

170623-Funnies

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     The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
      There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.
      ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
Good Heavens‘ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’
‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking’
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SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong –
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the  remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.
Turns out it’s about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
  Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For god sakes ,   if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  made you fart?”

QANTAS
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!! “

PSA-170507-Science Stuff

A friend shared this and it gave me a laugh so I’ll share it
with you. Hope you haven’t seen it.

Units Of Measure

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1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God= 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1,000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigm

170428-End of Month Titter

How about a few funny stories on a Friday afternoon?

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. ‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple’?

‘Because I’m the artist, who painted the picture,’ he replied.

‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

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Golf and lunch at HOOTERS…
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”

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Subject: The Italian Funeral
 
 A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.                                              

 
Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.
                                        

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

‘What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”   

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
 
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
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Holy Humor During Holy Week

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During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
    Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“Then how come He doesn’t answer?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
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