My family began arriving at twelve thirty today for our Easter celebration. My job was to make a ham and theirs was to bring side dishes. What a great chance to retry my Nu-Wave cooker to make a spiral ham. The last time I did this I set the ham so the bone was horizontal and the cuts were vertical. The ham fanned out like a deck of cards, and the individual slices were roasted to ham chips. The thing was crunchy to eat, flavorful, but crunchy. This time I decided to set the ham vertically so the slices were horizontal and they wouldn’t fan. I will be vindicated I told myself, I will show this group of skeptical children that I am the Master of the Nu-Wave. Wrong! The ham didn’t fan, but the edges got crispy. It was also over done. Once again the cooker I love so much became the cooker I hate with a vengeance. The tip of the meat nearest the heat element was charcoal broiled and so tough my electric knife wouldn’t cut through it.
In order to save my self esteem after Grace I announced that three years ago I retired from hosting the big holiday dinners. I told my kids it was time for me to pass the baton to them, and to remind them of why I retired, “I present you with a burnt offering.”
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?”
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
2.
Subject: Looking for a Gynecologist’s Assistant…
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings , Montana .”
“Good grief”, the man asked, “Is that where the job is?”
“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right now.
3.
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want….the neighbours are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice... .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . .
OLD’ IS WHEN….Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
OLD’ IS WHEN…Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… ‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN….‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
4.
WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
5.
SOCIALISM vs. RACISM
A young black kid asks his mother, “Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?”
“Well, Child,… Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff, you know… like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, …you know. That’s Socialism.”
“But, mama, don’t the white people get pissed off about that?”
“Sure they do, Honey. That’s called Racism.”
(Never more simply explained.)
6.
Subject:Top Ten Indicators Your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health…
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) The statement, “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is…”Embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
7.
No one believes seniors . . .Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
