Religious Musings

Borrowed from a blogger friend

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here’s some shit that represents other shit.

Reform Judiasm: Lots of shit happened to us, try not to eat pork and shrimp.

Conservative Judaism: Lots of shit happened to us, We will frown if your shit smells like pork or shrimp.

Orthodox Judaism: Don’t do shit on Saturday. And lots of shit happened to us. And stay away from that pork and shrimp shit.

Sunni Islam: Mohammed passed down his shit to us via his son in law.

Shia Islam: Mohammed passed down his shit via his Father in Law.

Wahabbi Islam: Let’s blow up some shit.

Catholicism: You must not eat certain shit on Friday.

Orthodox Christianity:. Same shit, only it’s a week late.

Episcopalianism: Here’s some shit. Wanna go for a clam bake?

Lutheranism: Here’s 95 pieces of shit. Wanna go out for some jello salad?

Methodists: Here’s some shit. You’ll get new shit once every 6 years. Want some roasted corn?

Southern Baptists: Don’t let black people into this shit. Also, don’t do shit on Sunday.

Seventh Day Adventists: Black people are welcome. Also, don’t do shit on Saturday.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock Knock. Who’s there? Shit.

Latter Day Saints: Knock knock. Who’s there? Shit from space.

Scientology: Knock knock: Who’s there? Shit from space. But we’ll cut you off from your family worse than the previous two.

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke some shit.

New Age: Let’s gather some crystals and shit.

Bahai faith: We combined shit from all over the world and made it into a new kind of shit.

Agnostism: We don’t know if the shit exists or not.

Weak Atheism: There’s no evidence for shit existing

Strong atheism: Shit doesn’t exist.

Deism: This shit doesn’t really care about us.

PSA-180410-Inner Peace

Secrets to Inner Peace.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably the Family Dog
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ….
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.

PSA-171204-Just Thinking

 

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something,
and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest
– Mark Twain

PSA-171117-Philosophy?

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number.

 

Walk Away

I just added another book read to my list. Without a doubt this was the most painful book I ever forced myself to read. The cover picture of a couple of kids on a bike sucked me into it. I am a sucker for bikes and bike riding. The author Viet Thanh Nguyen is a refugee from the Viet Nam War, or as he referred to it The American Wa.. He speaks eloquent english and writes the same. I found myself opening the dictionary to understand some of his word selections. The last word I had to look up is solipsism. I never heard it or saw it used before. Solipsism is a view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.

9780674660342

The last time I heard a speaker talk to me this way was in college when I took metaphysics. I didn’t understand it then nor did I understand much of what this guy was telling me. I was sooo tempted to return the book without finishing it. I kept hoping the next chapter would be the one that made sense, it did not happen. I finally understood the Epilogue because it he wrote it as a narrative about his life.

If you are into philosophy you will enjoy this book. If you like a regular everyday story like I do you will walk away from it.

All through the read I kept remembering the professor I had at Saint Joseph’s College who taught metaphysics. I kept telling myself that guys like Viet Than Nguyen are teaching at our colleges(he is Associate Professor of English and American Studies & Ethnicity at the University of Southern California) and warping the minds of our youth. None of what he wrote made sense and I wondered how he ever found a publisher to take this book on, then I saw it was the Harvard University Press.  I have too little time left on this good earth to waste my minutes with unsatisfying work such as this. I have nobody to blame but myself.

 

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