TGIF

The sun is shining, there is a mild breeze, the trees are bursting into bloom, and the birds are singing. It is a perfect day to sit down with a longneck and enjoy some relaxation. In  keeping with this spirit I propose you get into the mood with a few funny stories.

Married 50 years 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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A Jewish  grandmother   is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming  to visit with his   wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .   There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button  301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 301. When you get out, I’m on the  left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these  buttons with my elbow

………”What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his  bedside, Guido,   I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a  my   chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember  me.””But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave  me your   Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna   be runna  da business, you gonna have a beautiful   wife, lotsa money, a big-a  home and maybe a couple   of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda  you   wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down,  rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby,  Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of  the   dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The  other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

…… but all men…are men!

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COLONOSCOPY IN SAN FRANCISCO

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, 
on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
procedure. 

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to
get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

> 
> The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it 
> protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
> 
> “And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the 
> young man.
> 
> “It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it 
> protects the body,” said the father.
> 
> The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
> 
> His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning 
> our feet from hot sand in the desert.”
> 
> “So tell me then,” added the boy.
> 
> “Yes, my son?”
> “Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit

To Beast or Bike, That is the Question

Beast or Bike?

A few days ago I made a proposal for an energy policy (Where Does it Leave Us?). Today, I read an article about Secretary of Energy Steven Chu spilling the beans that his plan is to push oil prices up to eight dollars a gallon. He wants us to become like Europe. Okay, let’s increase per-capita car ownership to Luxembourg levels. Let’s surround the country with nuclear power plants like the French, lets encourage more muslims to come and add to our diversity, let’s go back in time to build railroads, lets arm every citizen like the Swiss, lets decriminalize drug use like Portugal, lets remove references to the holocaust to avoid offending the muslims, lets allow schools to decide the career path your kid will go down in fourth grade like the Germans, let’s live with twenty-one percent unemployment like the Greeks, in general let’s go along with these new and exciting ideas for transforming America into a third world country.

It makes sense now why Obama kills all new drilling, he wants to put oil into short supply so the price goes up. Then he will blame those terrible big oil companies for lining their pockets with profits. Keeping us dependent on foreign oil also lets him funnel money (redistribute the wealth) to the Saudis. Hmm? Saudi Kings spend money in the USA. Very good for the economy right? Wrong. The Saudi vision is a mosque on every corner in the USA staffed by a radical muslim imam spewing hatred to his followers protected by the First Amendment. Second, they fund American Universities to set up departments to spread Arab-American relations. Don’t you wonder why we suddenly see home-grown jihadists willing to blow themselves up for Allah. Many American colleges have departments and courses to study Arab culture, sharia law, and promote a lack of tolerance for non-muslims. Universities brainwash students under the guise they need a better understanding of Arabs so they can become informed political scientists and bureaucrats. Yep, eight dollar a gallon gas going to the mid-east makes perfect sense to me.

Meanwhile our good King Obama promotes raising gas prices as a way to incentivize new forms of energy. At the rate we are going, there will be no need for new forms of energy because all of us will be living in a mud hut with a solar bottle for light. Who will be able to afford to drive a car at eight dollar gas? Which company will be able to ship food to the stores at eight dollar gas? Who will be able to move to jobs within walking distance of their homes? Who will feed the Beast and Air Force One for the pleasure of the King?

So Steven Chu let the cat out of the bag, the US Energy Policy is to raise gas prices to European levels or eight dollars a gallon.

I’m scared folks because this scenario sounds like Ayne Rands story “Atlas Shrugged” more and more. Get ready for the day when the Elite-Haves take from the Have-Nots to keep the Elite-Haves telling the Have-Nots what is good for them, because Elite-Haves are smarter and know what is good for you Mr. Have-Not.

What’s the Big Secret?

I have not heard a single word about BO’s college background. Why is he so secretive about this part of his life? Could it be, that he is hiding something that may hurt his chances for election? Where are all the pundits and the press? Why are they not “vetting” this part of his life.

I can imagine a few possibilities, like he was a “D” student, or he got a “free ride” from some mysterious Arab, or he belonged to some “radical student group.” The possibilities are endless. Why doesn’t he end the mystery and let us see his records? What could be so private, or bad in college records that a person would guard them so fanatically?  Don’t we have a right to know what this man’s background is before we chose to elect him to the highest position in the land.?

I still want to hear from some of his classmates. Did he have any  friends at all? Why is it that the editor of the  Harvard Law Review, does not have any editorials? I was president of a small social club and published an article every month. It wasn’t hard to do, so why didn’t he?

Why is the DNC fighting a lawsuit to get a legitimate Certificate of Live Birth? I think BO would be more than happy to open all of these matters unless he has something terrible to hide. Instead he dismisses these questions with a flip, demeaning  attitude of arrogance.

BO cries “Smear” when his opponent brings up his association with friendly neighborhood terrorist Bill Ayres, but he is hiding a part of his life that should be an open book. When have we ever had a candidate who was so private? When we did have candidates who tried to hide things from us, the sleuthing press uncovered their dirt. Why are they not doing their jobs? Are they part of a great conspiracy?

I smell SKUNK in this campaign of a magnitude that has never been seen before on this planet. During the Cold War this effort would have been referred to as a “Front.” That is my opinion, but what do I know? I am only an old man who doesn’t understand the need to change the best, and greatest country in the world.

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