Old Guys Rule

Old Timer
A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

Testosterone vs Estrogen

mp900284944 I cannot imagine how the world became populated. Last week I overdosed on the Senate hearings, and frankly, I am sick of it. They made me hate all democrats even though I have some very good friends who are democrats. I heard only one take on this matter which made sense. Both Ms Blasey-Ford and Judge Kavanaugh are right. Neither is lying. Ms Ford is telling what she remembers, but what if what she remembers isn’t what happened? What if during the course of her therapy to get over this dreadful incident while a teen she was hypnotised and the process has altered her memory? Stranger things have happened. Now here is my old guy take on the matter. I think Ms Ford wanted to be abused by the Judge when they were both young, and he rejected her. I wouldn’t put it past a woman scorned to create a story so brazen that people believe it. Just today, I heard a story on the news about a mother who allowed her very young daughter to be raped by her boy friend. What will that little girl remember? I turned on an afternoon program MC’d by Maury Povich. A very pretty young white girl a little bit over weight had a baby and she asked Maury to find out which of nine different boys might be the father. She remembers all of them but which one really hit the jackpot? It will take the remainder of the week to learn if any of the nine guys she named is the father. Today, they eliminated two. The stuff of life happens daily and will continue to happen daily as long as Earth is filled with people. When politics begins to establish new norms upon which to base our votes and those norms are based upon teen age curiosity about sex and the awful scar it leaves on the psyche of the offenders it is time to re-set the country. I don’t believe there is a woman alive who lived through her teen years without at least one story to tell about how she was groped by an over-sexed boy who thought that was the way you make it with a girl. That very kind of activity is most likely why marriage was invented. Set the rule, want some sex, get married and the world opens for you at least with the woman you chose. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. In  my day it mostly worked. Many of my friends met and married when they left high school and they are still together sixty-five years later. When I was young, there was no such thing as a legal pre-nuptial agreement except the vows one took at the altar. After my first wife set me free by leaving (she died) I got married a second  time, but not without intense pressure from my lawyer to have my new wife sign a pre-nuptial agreement. I argued that we wouldn’t need such a document. He insisted, and we went to a family lawyer to discuss our views. We married without a pre-nup, but we both spoke the vows of “till death do us part.” All I can say in closing is that Ms Blasey-Ford is one screwed up lady, and she has opted to make the Judge into one screwed up guy.

Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and
rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged,
full-breasted women, and hunted and fished 
and
raced cars, and went to titty bars and
dated ladies half his age 
 
and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and
never heard bitching 
 
and
never paid child support or alimony, and
dated cheerleaders and  
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and
potato chips and beans, and  
blew enormous farts, and
never got cheated on while he was at work, 
 
and
all his friends and family thought
he was friggin’ cool as hell, 
 
and
he had tons of money in the bank, and
left the toilet seat up.
 
The End.

Marital Bliss

It takes two to tangle, but sometimes a third body sneaks in.
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A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful.
I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” “Oh, she replies, “that was my

husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”
Special Package deal for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides
to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
“Hello Darling.”
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Throwing Knives at Wife’s Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her “Hi, what are you
doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU.”

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in

his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,
hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how
to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,

so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

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TGIF

The sun is shining, there is a mild breeze, the trees are bursting into bloom, and the birds are singing. It is a perfect day to sit down with a longneck and enjoy some relaxation. In  keeping with this spirit I propose you get into the mood with a few funny stories.

Married 50 years 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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A Jewish  grandmother   is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming  to visit with his   wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .   There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button  301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 301. When you get out, I’m on the  left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these  buttons with my elbow

………”What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his  bedside, Guido,   I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a  my   chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember  me.””But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave  me your   Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna   be runna  da business, you gonna have a beautiful   wife, lotsa money, a big-a  home and maybe a couple   of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda  you   wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down,  rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby,  Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of  the   dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The  other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

…… but all men…are men!

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COLONOSCOPY IN SAN FRANCISCO

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, 
on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
procedure. 

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to
get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

> 
> The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it 
> protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
> 
> “And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the 
> young man.
> 
> “It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it 
> protects the body,” said the father.
> 
> The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
> 
> His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning 
> our feet from hot sand in the desert.”
> 
> “So tell me then,” added the boy.
> 
> “Yes, my son?”
> “Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit

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