How Did Moses Make His Tea?

Posted on 17/11/2013 by Grumpa Joe
Energizer Bunny

Energizer Bunny (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

punography:

·I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

·I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro – what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously the government’s fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

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Squeeze Contest

Posted on 17/11/2013 by Grumpa Joe
This image shows a whole and a cut lemon.

This image shows a whole and a cut lemon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Squeezer
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.Many people had tried …. Over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.  One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.  But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence …. As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon …. And six drops fell into the glass.As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the IRS.”

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