How Did Moses Make His Tea?

Posted on 17/11/2013 by Grumpa Joe
Energizer Bunny

Energizer Bunny (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

punography:

·I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

·I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro – what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously the government’s fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

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Tell Me It Isn’t True

Posted on 28/08/2013 by Grumpa Joe

Closed-Circuit-2013-Thriller-Movie-Watch-Online-Full-Film

After a twenty week layoff, Peggy and I went to see a movie. She is suffering from hot weather cabin fever, and I am happy being outside. She won, I lost. This was opening day of a suspense film called “Closed Circuit.” She loves mysteries, but she came away from this one totally befuddled, and I came out explaining it to her.

I learned an important Senior Citizen rule today, don’t go to see a movie on opening day. It cost me double the usual norm. I picked up another clue when the description included words like heavy on dialogue. That means there is little to no acting required, but the actors do have to know how to speak. It also means reading the book is probably just as good or even better. This film is from England and the actors Eric Bana and Rebecca Hall were totally strange and new to us. I enjoyed that, in that I didn’t have to leave the film to puke after watching some über liberal Hollywood type spew his communist propaganda in the name of art.

The people we watched might have been the English counterparts to the likes of Matt Damon, or Kevin Spacey, but I didn’t know, so it was a pleasure.

The story remotely centers around England’s love affair with close circuit video cams watching every move of every citizen. I got the impression the Brits have raised “Big Brother is watching you” to a new level. The second peculiarity involved their judicial system which assigned two advocates to side with the accused, I believe it was one from the prosecutors side and one from the defense side, there lies the story. The court assigned a couple who were friends (lovers) before to serve as advocates. The former lovers, now advocates, were not allowed to talk to each other nor meet with each other during, or after hours during the investigation and the trial. The need to remain silent and away from each other allowed some unusual body language and discomfort to occur between the two.

The case deals with an act of terrorism that involved National Security so everything the advocates did had to be behind closed and locked doors. They had to lock any notes they made on paper, or a computer in a safe before leaving the office.

The suspense occurs when the advocates independently realize a government cover-up involving their notorious M I 5. The mystery ramps up as the two begin to meet and plot ways to expose the government without becoming murder victims themselves. I give the Brits some credit, I did not see a gun on any of the characters throughout the story. I did see them use the old-fashioned mafia weapon of a cable strung around a neck from behind. It is quite effective, and less messy than a bloody gunshot wound. I wonder if they are marching to ban cable in England.

This story kept me riveted to my seat, because I did not want to miss a word of dialog. Not even my lousy hearing aids nor my bursting bladder got me to move. The actors did a fine job of convincing me of their humanity, and the bad guys did an effective job convincing me of their evil intentions.

The feeling I came away with after this film was that British writers are just as uneasy about their government and agencies as I am about mine. I felt the story could have been true and very real. It also made me wonder how many times the good old USA has covered up similar phony incidents.

Since I am a conspiracy theorist I loved this story, however, I believe Liberals will hate it because it exposes the dangers of big government and Big Brother.

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Flavia, Feely, and Daffy?

Posted on 26/08/2013 by Grumpa Joe

IMG

The system I use to select reading material at the library has steered me into murder mysteries. For the second time in a row, I selected a book based upon its cover art, and both times the stories were mysteries.

I don’t really like murder stories, but I read this one because it was good. The premise is a little far-fetched, but entertaining. The book I selected this week is “Speaking From Among the Bones” by Alan Bradley. What I found a little suspect is the character who solves the mystery. In this story, Flavia de Luce is a precocious girl of eleven years who is the detective who out shines the local constabulary to solve the crime. I found the read somewhat Harry Potter like in that the central character is dauntless.

The story takes place in a small town in England during the nineteen fifties. The characters surrounding Flavia like her sisters with names like Feely, a nickname for Ophelia, and Daffy, a nickname for Daphne all have unique English names, and add to the entertainment of the story.

The story centers around the discovery of a dead body during the exhumation of a local Saint Tancred who is buried under the church named after him. What ever, the stretch of the imagination is Saint Tancred being uncovered on the five hundred anniversary of his death. The reason, to collect relics and to determine the condition of the body. Rumor has it that true Saints do not decompose and emit a heavenly scent when exhumed. The surprise comes when the committee exhuming Saint Tancred discovers the recently disappeared church organist in the chamber immediately above that of Saint Tancred.

The story becomes more involved when Flavia uncovers that an ancient monk left notes in his diary describing a huge diamond known as the Heart of Lucifer set into the Shepard Crook that lay with him.

As I said above the idea that an eleven year old is so astute to solve this crime is somewhat unbelievable, I have a ten-year old grand-daughter who is smart as a whip but cannot compare to Flavia de Luce.

One of the factors which drew me to this book is the bicycle on the cover art. I am a bicyclist and must admit that cycling reigns supreme above my old car fetish. In the story, Flavia rides a bike she named Gladys. Gladys is a character, but thankfully not a principal.

Author Alan Bradley did an outstanding job of creating the character of Flavia and I never imagined her as anything except a brilliant (genius) girl. The setting for the story is perfect for the year and the characters involved. Bradley’s descriptive writing made me see the story in my mind as it unfolded. Flavia and Harry Potter are similar, although Flavia is not a witch or a sorcerer.

My assessment of this book, is that I spent my time wisely, and it left me wanting more.

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Coming To A Street Near You

Posted on 04/06/2013 by Grumpa Joe

You can call me Joe, or you can call me a Right Wing Terrorist, or you can call me a racist, or you can call me an Islama-phobe, or you can call me a homophobe, but please do call me Patriot.

Watch these videos to see what happens when the muslim population in a country grows beyond a few peaceful people.

Islam is a religion so we must afford them First Amendment rights, or do we? Islam is also a political ideology. Which is it a religion, or a political system? If it is a religion only, then they must abide by the laws of whatever country they live in. If it is a political system, they are traitors to the country they occupy. Actually, Islam is a Theocracy, a system that allows religion to rule the country. Remember our Declaration of Independence? The Founders deliberately separated church from state. They did not want another King or a church ruled country. Which do you believe it is?

Grumpa Joe believes that Islam is in direct contradiction to the Constitution of the USA, therefore even the most pious MUSLIM forfeits any Constitutional rights. They believe that there is only one law, that is God’s law. They do not obey nor sanction any law of any country except those that embrace Sharia. Do you see the contradiction? Islamists have only one goal in life, to convert the world to Islam. They don’t belong in the USA, they are a threat.

Oh, but you say, we must afford them rights, because Islam is a peace-loving religion. Yet, somehow, every radical Islamist began life as a peaceful muslim. There is something wrong with their upbringing that triggers a peaceful soul to become a hating, killing machine. Could it be the teachings of the Koran?

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The link below takes you to a CBS news piece that covered the same prayer protest.

http://downloads.cbn.com/cbnnewsplayer/cbnplayer.swf?aid=17933

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A Detail Spoiled It For Me

Posted on 15/04/2013 by Grumpa Joe

The movie Trance is for viewers who love mystery, and suspense. Filmed in England with British actors, this film is different from USA made films.  The story revolves around the theft of an original Rembrandt painting from an auction. The inside man who actually takes the painting suffers a head injury which leaves him with amnesia. His fellow thieves torture him to learn where he hid the painting, but he does not remember. Finally, they hire a hypnotist to delve into his brain to show the whereabouts. The director cleverly weaves the story in and out of reality. Just when the viewer thinks the protagonist is revealing the hiding place, the scene shifts back to reality inside the hypnotist’s office. The ending finally reveals a surprise no one could have suspected.

A simple detail in this film spoiled it for me. Before I reveal what that was let me explain that Britain has very strict gun possession laws. Basically, no one in England can own a gun. The penalty for possession is ten years in prison. Recently, I read a story about a man in England who defended his home from an intruder with a shotgun he secretly kept. The robber got off, the man with the gun went to jail for ten years. Back to the spoiler, the Trance robbers used a shotgun to pull off the theft. Later in the story   a handgun shows up in the home of the mastermind thief. Eventually, several of the gang members die by bullets. I guess the British film industry isn’t very different from Hollywood when it comes to using guns to tell a story. I guess my message is this: even in a country where guns are not controlled but forbidden, people get killed with guns. Bad guys still have guns, and good people kill with their bare hands.

Trance-movie-poster

I spite of the spoiling detail, this movie had me riveted to the seat for the duration.

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