Squeeze Contest

Posted on 17/11/2013 by Grumpa Joe
This image shows a whole and a cut lemon.

This image shows a whole and a cut lemon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Squeezer
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.Many people had tried …. Over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.  One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.  But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence …. As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon …. And six drops fell into the glass.As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the IRS.”

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Sick Bastards

Posted on 10/06/2013 by Grumpa Joe

This lady presents a very compelling story about her motives for establishing a Tea Party group and the subsequent problems she had with the sick bastards at the IRS when applying for  tax exempt status. We must all stand up to this huge government and shrink it to what it is intended to do, protect our liberty, amen.

No IRS, no Department of Education, no Environmental Protection Agency, no Department of Homeland Security, no ATF, no DEA, no FMEA, no HHS,  just a strong military, and an unscrupulously honest Department of Justice. Everything else is a power grabbing pile of bullshit invented to turn America into a kingdom.

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The IRS Deserves All The Abuse We Can Serve Up

Posted on 23/05/2013 by Grumpa Joe
English: Anti-United States Internal Revenue S...

English: Anti-United States Internal Revenue Service symbol. Commonly used by tax protesters and tax reform advocates in the United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I fully expect the worst to happen as a result of my spreading this anecdote around the ether-world, but I really don’t give a crap anymore. The IRS deserves all the pain and suffering “We the People” can administer upon them. Thanks Mike for sending me this timely story, it made me laugh out loud.

 

Internal Revenue Service Audit

 

At the  end of the tax year, IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

 

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

 

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat  disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases?

 

What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

 

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to The manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

 

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

 

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

 

 

 

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Just Maybe It Is . . .

Posted on 12/04/2013 by Grumpa Joe
Growing Free Money on Flowers

Growing Free Money on Flowers (Photo credit: epSos.de)

Maybe it is me, but filing my tax return this year was not a particularly happy time. Why is that?

Maybe it is because I paid $2000 more this year than last, and I am lower than the middle class

Maybe it is because I got wildly confused about the forms required.

Maybe it was because it is my yearly review of what I spent.

Maybe it is because even though I paid more tax, I spent less than last year.

Maybe it is because it reminds me of how little fun I had this year because my expenses were mostly housing, food, and gasoline, and not for wine, theater productions, vacations, and great dinners out.

Maybe it is because I gained weight from eating low-cost pasta meals.

Maybe it is because I see what I pay and then hear about the forty-seven percent of the employed who don’t pay taxes.

Maybe it is because I see the élite 535 of our country spending it like it comes from a bottomless pit.

Or, maybe it is because I read a news article about the 9.8 million federal workers who are delinquent  paying their taxes.

Maybe it is because I have become a tax-slave.

We wonder why we are such a screwed-up-country. Look at the pile of paper in my tax return. Is that really what a retired old racist white guy should face on a fixed income? Just imagine the pile of paper a Corporation must have to file, then imagine the army of IRS agents needed to analyze all this stuff.

Maybe I am being critical because Obama continues to want even more from us.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This is what I say to you Brobama!

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Make Me An Illegal Alien, Please.

Posted on 24/03/2013 by Grumpa Joe
us_burning_flag
There are too many people in the USA who continue to harangue whites about equal opportunity. Yet, these same people fail to realize the advantage they have over whites. We have passed the crest of civil rights for poor slave descendents to the point where the advantage is clearly in favor of anyone who is not white. For instance, most white people immigrate from European countries, and the existing immigration law stands. They must meet all the requirements and the quotas defined by the law. That is because it is easier to sequester new people coming in at airports and harbors than is on land borders.
Blacks get a trillion dollars a year in welfare payments of every kind. Recently, I read a report which summarized the benefits bestowed upon welfare recipients black or white. The average private sector worker makes about $25/hr (Includes the hidden paycheck items like health care, vacation, etc.) while a welfare person makes over $30/hr. Why would anyone want to work? In the meantime, people from Central America are streaming across the border which the president refuses to control even though it is his job to do so as defined by the US Constitution.  Upon arrival, these aliens commit an infraction which gets them arrested. That is their green card for entry, that they are on the record as having been arrested, makes them officially legal to stay in the country until they get a court date. The problem is that the Attorney General does not prosecute these people looking for a better life. In the meantime, the working population gets screwed with the bill.
The letter below from a citizen-constituent to an Iowa Senator asks for illegal status. It is alarmingly factual, and would be hilarious if it were not true.
On Becoming Illegal. 
You’ll love this! FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY! 
Becoming Illegal
(Actual letter from an Iowa resident sent to his senator,)
The Honorable Tom Harkin 
731 Hart Senate Office Building 
Phone (202) 224 3254 
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,


As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.


My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2008 and 2009.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance


Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach ‘illegal alien’ status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA ) 
Donald R. 
Burlington , IA 
Get your Forms (NOW)!! 
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040
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