Holy Humor During Holy Week

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During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
    Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“Then how come He doesn’t answer?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

Bullies

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I recommend a book for everyone in America. It is called Big Agenda by David Horowitz. Most of what he writes about is public information from various sources which I have read. What he has done, however, is to condense the horrible examples of the Liberal bullying of America into one succinct book. All throughout the chapters I kept thinking that the deck is stacked against America. Our Liberty has permitted bully organizations to work diligently against America. For example let me talk about the Ford Foundation. We have all heard about this noble foundation initiated by Henry Ford to encourage others to take the road of free enterprise and conservatism to success. When Henry was alive it served to do that. Then Henry had to succumb to life, and he ran out of time, he died. The Ford Foundation remained conservative for a time, but gradually left-wing liberals infiltrated the board of directors. It didn’t take long before the entire board and the CEO was liberal. Since Henry established the Foundation to be totally independent of the Ford family they could not change the dynamics. The Liberals hi-jacked the Ford Foundation and re-wrote the mission statement to serve the liberal agenda. That is only one of the many foundations that have been taken over by liberals. Our laws allow them to operate tax-free as long as they fulfill the requirements of a 501c3 organization. One thing I learned is that there are somewhere around three hundred very tax free liberal organizations that work to change and transform America. There are very few on the Conservative side, and as we saw during Obama’s tenure the IRS worked against conservatives by denying them the same tax free status as these many liberal organizations. Remember Trump’s statement that the system is “rigged?” The tax free status of these subversive organizations is only one of the many ways it is rigged.

Each chapter of the book takes on a different aspect of life like for instance the public service unions. President Roosevelt, as liberal as he was, believed that unionizing people who work for the government is criminal. It becomes a monopoly. When you consider that police, firemen, teachers are all public service workers who can hold the government hostage by striking, it becomes clear as to why Roosevelt believed them wrong. Some of the largest trouble we have today are under funded retirement funds. Do the union workers worry? No, because the government will raise taxes in order to give them what they ask.. You and I need to improve our productivity in order for our company to give us a raise, but the public service people don’t have to do anything except to hold us hostage with a strike.

One subject that will get me on the soap box is that of under-performing public schools. I live in a district where that is a hard idea to imagine because I don’t live in the inner city where the school kids don’t stand a chance to get ahead. Our school system, and the teacher’s unions all work for the benefit of the teachers and the administrators instead of kids. Inner city kids have no chance in hell of going to a private school. The system does not allow competition, therefore, what ever product they turn out is fine. The parents and the kids be damned must be their motto. I got mine, and your kids are on their own. It is not my fault if they are un-teachable. What I have to watch for is my district feeding some liberal bull shit change of history, or worse yet an Islamic infiltration. Our college system is totally lost to liberals who feed our kids a different history, there is no God, the one percent are evil, capitalism is corrupt, equal outcomes for all, etc., etc., etc.

Somewhere within the book, the author quoted  boxer Mike Tyson. I will paraphrase the quote, “you can go into the match with a game plan, but the plan changes once you get punched in the mouth.” This is the advice author Horowitz gives to republicans. Democrats all unite for their cause and any opposition from republicans will be addressed with a punch in the mouth. Republicans hate to be called racist, homophobes,  misogynists, etc. His recommendation is for republicans to fight back. Republicans are too afraid of the outcome of putting up their dukes and slugging it out. President Trump’s election win is the result of his not being afraid to call out his opponent as a crook and a liar. All he did was state the truth, but none of the other republican candidates had the stomach for doing that.

When I was in grammar school back in the 1950’s I was bullied a lot. I was a small runt of a kid who was afraid of his own shadow. I feared the kids who goaded me and insulted me because the idea of getting punched in the mouth was not appealing. More than that I feared what my mother would do to me if she learned of my fighting. One day, I had enough of the taunting, and I jumped on a kid named Otis. I wailed the crap out of him. He went home bloody and crying. My mother severely reprimanded me and I lost privileges, but my honor remained intact. The punishment I got was well worth the consequence. A second time I was confronted by a kid named Ron who was just egging for a fight. I obliged, and sent him packing. I never had a problem with a bully again.

The task of undoing over fifty years of liberal legislation, and social attitudes is monumental, but Horowitz has put forth some basic changes that we can make to get the momentum rolling back in the conservative direction. All we have to do is to speak loudly and clearly to our meally mouthed republican congressmen to write and pass  laws to make the change happen. Will it be easy? Hell no, the liberals aren’t going to lay down and die just because we punch them in the mouth a few times. They have enough money and organizational power to bury us. We can’t let them do that without a bloody battle to defend our liberty.

Five stars

The Civil War is Here

This is a really good essay on the current deadlock in our government and a very logical reason for it.

The left doesn’t want to secede. It wants to rule.

Source: The Civil War is Here

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This is another list that you absolutely need to memorize and remember, so whenever you are called upon for useless information you will be ready.

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WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

A  lexophile of course (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, palindromes, etc

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t  last.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

 The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

TGIF

The sun is shining, there is a mild breeze, the trees are bursting into bloom, and the birds are singing. It is a perfect day to sit down with a longneck and enjoy some relaxation. In  keeping with this spirit I propose you get into the mood with a few funny stories.

Married 50 years 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.  But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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A Jewish  grandmother   is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming  to visit with his   wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .   There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button  301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 301. When you get out, I’m on the  left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these  buttons with my elbow

………”What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his  bedside, Guido,   I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a  my   chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember  me.””But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave  me your   Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna   be runna  da business, you gonna have a beautiful   wife, lotsa money, a big-a  home and maybe a couple   of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda  you   wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down,  rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby,  Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of  the   dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly  departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The  other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

…… but all men…are men!

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COLONOSCOPY IN SAN FRANCISCO

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, 
on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
procedure. 

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to
get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

> 
> The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it 
> protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
> 
> “And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the 
> young man.
> 
> “It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it 
> protects the body,” said the father.
> 
> The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
> 
> His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning 
> our feet from hot sand in the desert.”
> 
> “So tell me then,” added the boy.
> 
> “Yes, my son?”
> “Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit