Laugh Dammit

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  1. A Marine in a Nursing Home

The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they could provide. The only  decent place close to their home was a nursing home for retired  soldiers. They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.”How do you like it here, Pop?” they asked.

“It’s wonderful,” said the old Marine. “Great chow, lots to do, and they treat everyone with great respect.”

“How so, Pop?”

“Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He hasn’t worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him ‘General.’

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn’t conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him ‘Maestro!’

And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20 years, but they still call him ‘Doctor.”

“That’s fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?

“Me? They treat me with even more respect. I’m 92, haven’t had sex in 10 years, and they still call me, That F***ing Marine!”

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This one is why I’m on the Government’s Blacklist.1.jpg

2. Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like Construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have A few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when He observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

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3 sons

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A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened.  The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a  financial planner, each very successful financially. When they saw their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish. First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then came the financial planner, who put a $1,000 bill there, too.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn.  He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000.

He put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

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  1. Heartwarming Story

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A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became

very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?  I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes  a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with  his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms  and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are  you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

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DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed

the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL: It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn’t brain surgery. To look for pyramids… it wanted grain.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.

The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it’s on. He’s got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

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If you didn’t at least chuckle at something here you are not inclined to humor.

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