Laugh Dammit

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  1. A Marine in a Nursing Home

The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they could provide. The only  decent place close to their home was a nursing home for retired  soldiers. They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.”How do you like it here, Pop?” they asked.

“It’s wonderful,” said the old Marine. “Great chow, lots to do, and they treat everyone with great respect.”

“How so, Pop?”

“Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He hasn’t worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him ‘General.’

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn’t conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him ‘Maestro!’

And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20 years, but they still call him ‘Doctor.”

“That’s fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?

“Me? They treat me with even more respect. I’m 92, haven’t had sex in 10 years, and they still call me, That F***ing Marine!”

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This one is why I’m on the Government’s Blacklist.1.jpg

2. Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like Construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have A few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when He observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

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3 sons

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A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened.  The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a  financial planner, each very successful financially. When they saw their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish. First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then came the financial planner, who put a $1,000 bill there, too.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn.  He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000.

He put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

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  1. Heartwarming Story

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A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became

very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?  I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes  a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with  his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms  and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are  you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

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DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed

the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL: It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn’t brain surgery. To look for pyramids… it wanted grain.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.

The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it’s on. He’s got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

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If you didn’t at least chuckle at something here you are not inclined to humor.

The Battling Boys of Benghazi

United States Marine Corps Memorial

United States Marine Corps Memorial (Photo credit: Adelaide Archivist)

A poem supposedly written by a Marine Corps officer who choses to remain anonymous.

FwdThePo

How Many Enemies Can We Deal With From Within?

English: Sergeant rank insignia for the United...

English: Sergeant rank insignia for the United States Marine Corps. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The story below has been around the world a few times and I have seen it at least three times in e-mails. It is funny, but so ridiculously true it isn’t funny.

We are faced with journalists who feed the media with garbage. They are shamelessly on the staff of the liberal campaign feeding us only that which is harmful to conservative candidates and positive for liberal candidates. What happened to this society of reporters so revered over the years as necessary for keeping the government clean, and our liberty intact? They have vanished. Taught by liberal professors who over the years have infiltrated schools across the country. Professors indoctrinate our kids with their progressive drivel and point us to communism by stealth. Now, these same journalists do the same thing with the Muslim effort to destroy the United States. How many enemies can we deal with at one time, and all from within?

Here is the story sent to me by a cousin.

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A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ?I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican?

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

…and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

Black Band of Mourning that Very Few Know About.

Black Band of Mourning covers the insignia of Camp Bastion, in Afghanistan

Enclosed is an accurate account of what transpired in Afghanistan On September 14th, 2012. On September 18, 2012 the President partied with Letterman, Jay Z, and Beyonce. Our current foreign policy emboldens the enemy. Anyone who thinks the Muslim world is not our enemy is not thinking clearly. I cannot divulge the source of this report for fear of repercussion to  the individual involved. All I can say is that it is reliable.

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Late on Friday, Sept. 14, 2012, a Taliban insurgent force attacked the NATO ISAF base, Camp Bastion, in Afghanistan, resulting in the worst loss of U.S. airpower in a single incident since the Vietnam War. Two Marines, including VMA-211’s commanding officer, were killed in the attack, and nine other personnel (eight military and one contractor, reportedly) were wounded. By the time the base was secured roughly five hours later, six U.S. Marine Corps (USMC) AV-8B+ Harrier “jump jets” had been destroyed, and two more “significantly” damaged. In addition, three refueling points were destroyed, and six “soft-skinned” aircraft hangers were damaged to some degree. As a result of this attack, the air strength of Marine Attack Squadron (VMA-211 – “The Avengers”) was almost completely destroyed.

 

Camp Bastion is a British-run ISAF base in Helmand Providence northwest of Lashkar Gah, built adjacent to Camp Leatherneck (the primary USMC base in the area) and Camp Shorabak (run by the Afghan National Army). Equipped with a 3,500-meter (11,482 foot) runway and servicing up to 28,000 personnel, it is the largest British base in Afghanistan. One of them, on Sept. 14, was an AH-64 Apache crewman named Capt.“Wales,” otherwise known as Harry, Prince of Wales. Along with the British Apaches and other U.K. aircraft, Camp Bastion also provides basing for USMC aviation units, including VMA-211, the only Harrier squadron then in Afghanistan.

 

The attack on Camp Bastion began at around 10:00 PM local time, when about 20 Taliban fighters approached the perimeter, disguised in U.S. Army battle dress uniforms. One of the Taliban used his explosive suicide vest to blow a hole in the perimeter fence, which reportedly allowed three five-man squads into the secured areas of the base. Armed with AK-47s, RPG-7s and explosive suicide vests, the Taliban fighters flooded into the U.S. area known as Camp Barber.

 

As they began to attack the flightline areas, the Marines react within minutes to defend the area.  They established an Apache helicopter that immediately began to orbit over the camp.  In addition, the ground security force began to fight its way toward Camp Barber over the main runway, reportedly expending around 10,000 rounds of ammunition in the process. It took almost five hours to secure the base and police up the insurgents.

 

When the sun rose the next day, the deadly cost of the Taliban raid began to be seen. Fourteen of the 15 attackers were killed, along with two of their support force outside the fence. One insurgent was wounded and captured, and is providing useful information on this latest “Green on Blue” Taliban attack. The Allied casualties, however, are proving heartbreaking. Killed during the attack were Lt. Col. Christopher “Otis” K. Raible, USMC (the commander of VMA-211) and Sgt. Bradley W. Atwell (from Marine Air Logistics Squadron 13), both based at Marine Corps Air Station (MCAS) Yuma, Ariz.

 

Maj. Gen. Gregg Sturdevant, USMC, commander of Marine Aircraft Wing Three (Forward), has announced that replacements for the lost aircraft and personnel will be “brought forward,” suggesting VMA-211 will be reconstituted in place. While VMA-211’s executive officer, Maj. John “Strut” Havener, USMC, has been named the interim squadron commander, it is possible another Harrier squadron will be deployed and the Avengers returned to their home base at MCAS Yuma.

 

Whatever the organizational outcome, the Sept. 14, 2012 attack on Camp Bastion is arguably the worst day in USMC aviation history since the Tet Offensive of 1968. The last time VMA-211 was combat ineffective was in December 1941, when the squadron was wiped out during the 13-day defense of Wake Island against the Japanese. Eight irreplaceable aircraft (the AV-8B has been out of production since 1999) have been destroyed or put out of action – approximately 7 percent of the total flying USMC Harrier fleet. Worse yet, the aircraft involved were the AV-B+ variant equipped with the APG-65 radar and AAQ-28 Litening II targeting pods – the most capable in the force. Given the current funding situation, it’s likely that the two damaged AV-8Bs will become spare parts “hangar queens” and never fly again. A Harrier squadron commander is dead, along with another Marine. Another nine personnel have been wounded, and the nearby Marines at Camp Freedom are now without effective fixed-wing air support. The USMC’s response to this disaster will be a telling report card on its leadership and organizational agility.

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