I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on just one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time”, isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me, because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s, when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I thought getting old would take longer.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore… I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing…….
With the new year just begun the tendency is to extoll wisdom learned. The following list is not mine, it was sent by a friend. The list is so accurate they convey my own thoughts exactly. It must come with age.
1 After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself.
2 I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.
3 I have stopped bargaining with vegetable & fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees.
4 I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am.
5 I stopped telling the elderly that they’ve already narrated that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane & relive their past.
6 I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.
7 I give compliments freely & generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say “Thank You.”
8 I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances.
9 I walk away from people who don’t value me. They might not know my worth, but I do.
10 I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat & neither am I in any race.
11 I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human.
12 I have learned that it’s better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas with relationships, I will never be alone.
13 I have learned to live each day as if it’s the last. After all, it might be the last.
14 I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be!
I decided to share this for all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can’t we practice this at any stage and age?
