PUN-FUN

1.  Never buy flowers from a monk.  Only you can prevent florist friars. 

2.  How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?  A buccaneer.

3.  I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by.  I kneaded the dough. 

4.  My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’  It’s a cover band. 

5.  I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

6.  Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c?  Because you can’t see in the dark. 

7.  Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?  Well, time will tell. 

8.  When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 

9.  Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 

10.  Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 

11.  Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 

12.  I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

From China With Love

Confucius Did Not Say

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. .. 

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.”

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