PSA-181108-Punny Stuff

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1.     The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2.      I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
3.      Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
4.      A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5.      I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6.      If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7.      It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Sumurais it for you.
8.      It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9.      So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “apocalypse”? It’s not the end of the world.
10.    Police were called to the daycare center. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11.    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13.    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14.    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16.    Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17.    I used to be allergic to soap, but I’m clean now.
18.    The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19.    What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? “The suspension is killing me.”
20.    Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21.    My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22.    What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23.    A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24.    There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25.    How do they figure the price of hammers? Per pound

PSA-180911-Punny Signs

There is one clever person living in Indian Hills.

171229-More Lexophile Fun

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless”     An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile
 
This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
 
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
Im reading a book about anti-gravity. I just cant put it down.
 
I didnt like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
I changed my iPods name to Titanic. Its syncing now.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes
 
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore
 
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge
 
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
A will is a dead giveaway.
 
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now
 
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
 
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
 
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
 
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
 
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
 
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

PSA-170130A-I Can’t Help Myself

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• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Who On Earth Dreams These Up?

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How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

· Venison for dinner again? Oh! Deer.

· A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

· They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

· I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro – what a rip off.

· Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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