PSA-230323-What Some People are Famous for Saying

Posted on 23/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

Oscar Wilde

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”

 Will Rogers

“We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars –more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”

 C.S. Lewis

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.”

Golda Meir

“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” 

Bill Dane

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Mark Twain or Joe Biden

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.”

Tom Wilson

 “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”

Phyllis Diller

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

Rita Rudner

“I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.”

 Phyllis Diller

 “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” 

 George Burns

“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get backup” 

John Wagner

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.”

 Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” 

 Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” 

 Robert Orben

“It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” 

Unknown

“At my age, flowers scare me.” 

George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.”

 Unknown

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”

Ann Landers

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. 

When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. 

Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.”

George Burns

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.”

 Robert Brault

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”

 Unknown

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”

Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

 Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” 

Lee Trevino

“You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.”

John Mendoza

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”

 George Carlin

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

Bob Hope

“I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”

Barry Cryer

“I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”

 Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything.  Then, you only have to remember it.”

George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” 

 Maurice Chevalier

“Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380pounds, and tell the truth.”

Conan O’Brien

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.”

 Albert Einstein

“Grand children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”

J. Norman Collie

“You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”

 Hy Gardner

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

 Mark Twain

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.”

Joel Plaskett

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.”

Dennis Wolfberg

“I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.”

Josh Billings

“At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.”

Unknown

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”

 George Burns

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.” 

 Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

George Burns

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

George Burns  

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” 

Anonymous

Filed under: Aging, Humor, Seniors | Tagged: , , | Leave a comment »

PSA-230320-Last Day of Winter Wisdom

Posted on 20/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

    “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

    Oscar Wilde

    “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”

     Will Rogers

    “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars –more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”

     C.S. Lewis

    “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.”

    Golda Meir

    “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” 

    Bill Dane

    “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

    Mark Twain or Joe Biden

    “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.”

    Tom Wilson

     “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”

    Phyllis Diller

    “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

    Rita Rudner

    “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.”

     Phyllis Diller

     “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” 

     George Burns

    “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get backup” 

    John Wagner

    “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.”

     Leo Rosenberg

    “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” 

     Kitty O’Neill Collins

    “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” 

     Robert Orben

    “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” 

    Unknown

    “At my age, flowers scare me.” 

    George Burns

    “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.”

     Unknown

    “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”

    Ann Landers

    “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. 

    When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. 

    Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.”

    George Burns

    “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.”

     Robert Brault

    “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”

     Unknown

    “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

    Sir Norman Wisdom

    “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”

    Andy Rooney

    “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

     Larry Lorenzon

    “The older I get, the better I used to be.” 

    Lee Trevino

    “You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.”

    John Mendoza

    “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”

     George Carlin

    “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

    Bob Hope

    “I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”

    Barry Cryer

    “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”

     Anonymous

    “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything.  Then, you only have to remember it.”

    George Burns

    “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” 

     Maurice Chevalier

    “Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380pounds, and tell the truth.”

    Conan O’Brien

    “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.”

     Albert Einstein

    “Grand children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”

    J. Norman Collie

    “You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”

     Hy Gardner

    “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

     Mark Twain

    “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.”

    Joel Plaskett

    “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.”

    Dennis Wolfberg

    “I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.”

    Josh Billings

    “At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.”

    Unknown

    “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”

     George Burns

    “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” 

     Ashley Montagu

    “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

    George Burns

    “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

    George Burns  

    “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” 

    Anonymous 

    Filed under: Aging, Humor | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

    PSA-230303-I heard All This Before

    Posted on 03/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

    This list sounds like something I posted before, but just like when my parents taught me these lessons I didn’t remember them.

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
      “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
     
    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
     
    3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
      “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
     
    4. My father taught me LOGIC.
      ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
     
    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
     
    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
     
    7. My father taught me IRONY.
    “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
     
    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
     
    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
     
    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
        “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
     
    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
     
    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
       “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
     
    13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
        “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
     
    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
       “Stop acting like your father!”
     
    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
     
    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
       “Just wait until we get home.”
     
    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
       “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
     
    18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
        “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
     
    19. My mother taught me ESP.
       “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
     
    20. My father taught me HUMOR.
        “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
     
    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
        “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
     
    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
        “You’re just like your father.”
     
    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
        “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
     
    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
        “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
     
    25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
       “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
     
    This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…

    Filed under: Education, family, Humor | Tagged: , | Leave a comment »

    PSA-230217-Top Ten Things Not to Do

    Posted on 17/02/2023 by Grumpa Joe

    This list came to me from a blogger friend who got it from his blogger friend. Since the title of my blog is GRUMPAjoesplace I thought it appropriate to share it with my readers as well.

    Grumpa Joe

    Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Want to Remain an Unhappy Grump

    10 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take care of your health. If you don’t take care at best, you’ll have a lot to complain about. At worst, we will all be glad to be rid of you. (Not a nice thing to say at the memorial service, eh, Ralph?)

    9 If you want to remain unhappy, do not engage in a hobby that you are passionate about. If you don’t engage, at best, you’ll have nothing to talk about with others. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, will engage you in his hobby. (Tiny loves to bounce grumpy people off hardwood floors, Ace. Is that him heading your way now?)

    8 If you want to remain unhappy, do not connect with some good friends and laugh heartily. If you don’t connect, at best, the frown will become permanent. At worst, you’ll become that old guy that people call in for a welfare check. (Better put away that hash pipe Stewart. The police are checking on you again.)

    7 If you want to remain unhappy, do not concern yourself with having enough income and bank balance to live comfortably. If you aren’t concerned, at best, you could collect aluminum cans. At worst, trying to make a living with that “Will Work for Food” scam is tough. (Is that snow falling, Skipper? It might be time to call it a day.)

    6 If you want to remain unhappy, do not help disadvantaged people in any way you can. If you don’t help, at best, you’ll keep your Howard Hughes profile. At worse, you need not expect anyone to give you a hand when you need it. (Forget that lift to the gas station, which is only ten miles from here, Dork)

    5 If you want to remain unhappy, do not travel to new places with friends and family. If you don’t travel, at best, you can keep looking at those travel magazines. At worst, you will believe your trip to the corner store is a major outing. (You want to try a different direction this time, Ferd?)

    4 If you want to remain unhappy, do not listen to music you like. If you don’t listen, at best, you can hum that same tune off-key. At worst, you’ll fall for every conspiracy theory proffered on talk radio. (I see you have your new tin foil hat in place, Nerd.)

    3 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take pleasure in seeing your children grow into fine individuals who do well for themselves. If you don’t take the pleasure, at best, you can cuddle that fur ball you call a cat. At worse, maybe you can apply to adopt a grandpa and take pleasure in someone else’s kids. (Of course, you have to be nice, Putz.)

    2 If you want to remain unhappy, do not read a book that is of interest. If you don’t read, at best, those coloring books may help. At worse, you can stay glued to the TV and go from one mindless show to the next. (With any luck, most will be reruns. Excuse me, but does it feel like your brain is running out of your ears, Slug?)

    1 If you want to remain unhappy, expect everyone to give you what you need, and do not accept what life throws at you. If you want this attitude, at best, you should not leave the house. At worst, every day will be a monumental hill of disappointment to climb. (You are the pessimist’s pessimist, Roy. I’m glad you don’t live next door to me.)

    Filed under: Aging, family, Humor | Tagged: , , | Leave a comment »

    PSA-220216-Wisdom for the Ages

    Posted on 16/02/2022 by Grumpa Joe
    • The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,
    • Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. 
    • Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
    • Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
    • “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”
      • “Great, I’ll start later.”
    • Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either. 
    • If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
    • Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks – “What the Hell is wrong with you?” 
    • “I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”
      • “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”
    • “Really?”
      • “Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
    • When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
    • Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. 
    • When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
    • Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
    • Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
    • Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one either.
    • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food; no atmosphere.
    • If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
    • “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
    • I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine.
      • I’m aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.
    • Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
    • I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime. 
    • Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
    • Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
    • Sooo, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

    Filed under: Aging, family, Humor, Warm and Fuzzy | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

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