1. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
2. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
3. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
4. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’ It’s a cover band.
5. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
6. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
7. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
8. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
9. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
10. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
11. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
12. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
Filed under: family, Humor, Warm and Fuzzy | Tagged: Play on words, Puns | Leave a comment »
Play on Words!
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Filed under: Humor | Tagged: Funny, Play on words | Leave a comment »
“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create
the best original lexophile.
This year’s submissions.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Why do we ignore friends, sometimes for years, and then go out of our way to attend their wake? I don’t know how you feel about this topic, but I get myself into a tizzy over missing a wake. Over the years, wakes have caused me extreme anxiety. I found that missing the wake of…
Last night I watched a 1975 movie called “Rooster Cogburn” starring John Wayne and Katharine Hepburn. The plot reminded me of the many westerns I watched in black and white as a kid that involved a stagecoach robbery. Today, while reviewing my American Express charges, I found one for $309. The only large charges I…
Sadly, my brother Will died this week. From this point on, I guess I can no longer say I am chasing him. He was born seven years before me, and when Mom had me, I finally filled the void left by our older brother Joe. I’m sure by the time I was old enough to…
Filed under: Education, Humor | Tagged: Lexophile, Play on words | Leave a comment »
Death Of the Shining City
