Indian Hills Community Center Puns

PUN-FUN

1.  Never buy flowers from a monk.  Only you can prevent florist friars. 

2.  How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?  A buccaneer.

3.  I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by.  I kneaded the dough. 

4.  My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’  It’s a cover band. 

5.  I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

6.  Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c?  Because you can’t see in the dark. 

7.  Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?  Well, time will tell. 

8.  When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 

9.  Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 

10.  Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 

11.  Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 

12.  I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

210829-More Punny Stuff

210824-Ha Ha’s

Play on Words!


An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
 
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate. 
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. 
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops. 
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. 
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion. 
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

210611-PSA-Fun With Words

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create
the best original lexophile.

This year’s submissions.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

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