1. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
2. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
3. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
4. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’ It’s a cover band.
5. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
6. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
7. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
8. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
9. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
10. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
11. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
12. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
Filed under: family, Humor, Warm and Fuzzy | Tagged: Play on words, Puns | Leave a comment »
Play on Words!
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Filed under: Humor | Tagged: Funny, Play on words | Leave a comment »
“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create
the best original lexophile.
This year’s submissions.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Hold on to your seat. I am still alive and mentally aware. This post is a necessary alert to my readers who have not heard from me in several months. I needed a long rest from writing blog posts. The rest was welcome, although it is easy to fall into the habit of ignoring Grumpajoesplace…
Why do we ignore friends, sometimes for years, and then go out of our way to attend their wake? I don’t know how you feel about this topic, but I get myself into a tizzy over missing a wake. Over the years, wakes have caused me extreme anxiety. I found that missing the wake of…
Last night I watched a 1975 movie called “Rooster Cogburn” starring John Wayne and Katharine Hepburn. The plot reminded me of the many westerns I watched in black and white as a kid that involved a stagecoach robbery. Today, while reviewing my American Express charges, I found one for $309. The only large charges I…
Filed under: Education, Humor | Tagged: Lexophile, Play on words | Leave a comment »
Death Of the Shining City
