210811-Proof Reading?

Posted on 11/08/2021 by Grumpa Joe

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say? 


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 


This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.

It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny. 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s! They must be UNION ! 
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
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War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect! 
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Ya think?! 
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Who would have thought! 
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something! 
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? 
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
He probably IS the battery charge! 
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Weren’t they fat enough?! 
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Boy, are they tall! 
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And the winner is… 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 

Did I read that right? 
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Filed under: Education, Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

210811-Paraprosdokians

Posted on 11/08/2021 by Grumpa Joe

Paraprosdokians

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians – figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

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1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put “DOCTOR.”

11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and…holding someone down so they can’t get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

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