170428-End of Month Titter

How about a few funny stories on a Friday afternoon?

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. ‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple’?

‘Because I’m the artist, who painted the picture,’ he replied.

‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

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Golf and lunch at HOOTERS…
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”

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Subject: The Italian Funeral
 
 A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.                                              

 
Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.
                                        

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

‘What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”   

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
 
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
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I’d Sooner Vote For Bernie

The news that disturbed me the most today is a headline I read. It seems Senator Chuck Schumer, head ass hole from New York, has told President Trump to talk to the Dems about the healthcare bill. I say we give Schumer the same treatment he gave the Republicans when he and his head turd Harry Reid stuck the (UN)-affordable Health Care Act up our behinds. Here is what I say to you Schumer:

 

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If Trump, or the Republicans do ask democrats to participate they have lost my respect and my vote. I’d sooner vote for Bernie than a turncoat republican.

Just My Humble Opinion

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One of the biggest news items this week is that Bill O’Reilly has been forced to leave Fox News after spending seventeen years on the cable news program. He has been accused of sexual harassment by several women. I have a problem with that. It is my humble opinion that these women are all left wingers who are so upset with O’Reilly’s friendship with Trump that they have ponyed up the claims just to hurt him and Fox news.

I worked in a coed office environment and can testify that some women are paranoid. The company hired a consultant to come in to train all supervisors on the abc’s of sexual harassment. The whole matter is highly subjective, and biased in the women’s favor. The government smartly put the onus on the employer. If one of our people was accused of sexual harassment the company was obligated to do something about it. If they didn’t, the company was liable for the outcome.

Some girls thought it was a shame. The first lady draftsman I hired for the company actually had a sign hanging in her cube which said, “I tolerate sexual harassment, but it will be graded.”

One of the most serious incidents occurred between an engineer and the girl who made blueprints of our machine drawings. The engineer was an older man sixty-ish, and a confirmed bachelor who lived with his mother and another single brother. The girl who made the copies was a hot twenty something who oozed sex appeal. There wasn’t a guy in the department who didn’t make a move on her daily.  One day she came into my office, and told me that Ronald was harassing her. I almost fell out of my chair. “How does he bother you?” I asked.

“He comes to the print room and stands at the service window watching me.”

I was stunned. “He watches you/”

“Yes.”

“How often does this happen?”

“Sometimes, several times a day., He creeps me out.”

Let me give you some background on Ronald. He takes care of his aged mother with his younger brother. He has several other siblings all of whom are married and have children. Ronald is an introvert. He will only speak when spoken to, and will not offer information unless asked. His dream is to retire to Arkansas with his brother. He spends his lunch hour designing the perfect retirement home with an elevator. The elevator is just in case he is too feeble to use stairs. Ronald speaks highly of his family, and his nieces and nephews. He has photos of them around his desk.

When I confronted Ronald about the accusation of harassment he was just as surprised as I was. “All I do is wait for a chance to ask her to make a print for me, and she ignores me.” I bought his explanation because that is the Ronald I knew. It didn’t matter, he was accused of harassment, and I had to write up my discussion with him, and put it into his file. I instructed him to leave a written request form at the door with the original, and to leave instead of waiting.

Men and women can speak to each other very explicitly with double entendres and sometimes outright invitations to sexual encounters without any talk of harassment. Yet, there are times when the words, or a look, or an implication becomes harassment. Only the woman knows when she feels threatened. If she chooses to speak up, the employer must address the situation.

I bring this up because sometimes what is simple miscommunication can be construed as harassment. Then there are other times when the harassment is clearly a breach of common sense. I am hoping that the Bill O’Reilly incident is one of the simple ones which are ridiculous. Unfortunately, this afternoon I heard a rumor from a friend that he was taped by a woman while he was talking to her in sexually explicit manner. My buddies rumor turned out to be an article by columnist John Kass who writes for the Chicago Tribune. I trust Kass, he is a true journalist meaning his seeks the truth and writes it as it is.  In his article Who Wrote Killing Bill o’Reilly? he describes the encounter which did O’Reilly in. O’Reilly is toast. He used his power to seduce a woman for his own gratification. He wasn’t a Ronald waiting at the window in the print room, he was a sexual predator. It is sad because I liked his reporting.

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Fox news will survive, and so will Bill O’Reilly, but they won’t be in business together. There is a good chance that O’Reilly will never work on TV again.

What is strange about this story is the incident took place in 2004. Why did it take thirteen years to make the news and what took Fox News so long to decide they had a problem? Like I said in the beginning of this post, it is most likely a Left wing assault on an enemy.

It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Green

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I love this view, except when it is my front yard.

Frankfort, Illinois is a typical mid-western community gloriously exploding into spring. Spring brings green, most conspicuously lawn. A suburbanite typically worships a green lawn. Every year there is one lawn on the street that is uniquely different from the others. Woe is the neighbor with a green lawn dotted with bursts of brilliant yellow  dandelions. This year I am the culprit.

I saw it happening at the end of last summer. After three months of watering, fertilizing, and weed killing the dandelions began to over power the lawn and sporadically popped through the turf across the  yard.

Determined to nip the problem in the bud I found myself up, and out early this morning with a large container of weed killer. Ugh! Chemical warfare is not pretty, but it is cheap. The cost is in human labor. After an hour and a half of shooting chemical into the heart of each weedy plant I ran out of chemical and cheered. It was time for a rest and a well deserved breakfast.

A more effective way to battle this nemesis is with a weeding tool, except I’m too lazy, and too weak to conduct that kind of warfare any more. Instead, the plants die a very slow death while I watch. Some of them may be gone in a week. The instructions claim that if properly applied a second application my be necessary after two weeks. It also states that if applied correctly, the grass around the dandelions will not be affected. I’ll let you know about that one. Its been my experience that the second application is a must and possibly one more after that.

Is this really necessary? Why is it so important to conform to the mores of the majority? The answer is simple. Yes it is necessary, but not because of the neighbors. I happen to love a lush green carpet of lawn spreading across the front of my house. I love the look of an entire street of lush green lawns spreading down the block. In direct opposition to my unhealthy affinity for viewing green lawns I also love to look of a baseball field sized lawn spotted with dandelions all across. As long as the field is not my lawn I love the look. Green is the reason I rent my winter home on a golf course. I love looking at huge expanses of green lawn running into the horizon. There is only one thing better than seeing a large green lawn, and that is a very large body of water like an ocean or a lake.

 

Read more: Muppets – It’s Not Easy Being Green Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Dear AARP

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I have several reasons for my dislike of the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). You meddle too much in affairs you should stay out of. You are the antithesis of what you propose to be. You are a two-bit lobby group who believes it is your responsibility to care for retired people. I’ll give you one thing, you are a lobby group. You are no better than the charlatans who lobby and corrupt our Representatives for their socialist governments.

Today, I listened to a radio commercial in which you pleaded with me, and all those who qualify to be in your fold, to fight against all current proposals to reinvent the health care system. For one thing, you do not know what the new health care proposal is, neither does anyone else. You are reacting to hearsay and gossip. You did the same when Obama care came into being. Neither you nor anyone in our government knew a single thing about what was in the new law that the democrats shoved up our ass, but you promoted it as the salvation of the world. Later, after the stupidity of the bill became known you railed against it. During the George Bush years you promoted free drugs for seniors. What we got was more expensive than what was available to us on our own. The difference is that we now get six pages of non-sense from Medicare every month detailing the non-benefit. We pay for those pages of boiler plate, ninety percent of which is identical from month to month with a few basic numbers representing our expenditures thrown in. It is killing trees and not saving any lives. Keep your socialist empire out of my face. You are an insurance company, why didn’t you save the Obama care program? You didn’t because you also know it is a pile of crap. Yet you are telling us to defeat whatever comes out to replace it. Go to hell and stay there.

You may ask why am I so adamant about universal healthcare? Let me tell you in one word, SLAVERY. Universal single payer healthcare is a system that takes away all control  you have over your body. The government owns your body, and decides what it will do to care for it. You do not. That is about as close to being a slave as the slaves that were dragged here from Africa to work on plantations.

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