Potpourri

Posted on 01/05/2016 by Grumpa Joe

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For car enthusiasts who have daughters…………

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”
Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick , I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out, and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

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Just Think –
If Trump wins the election it’ll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!

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A Little Clinton Humor

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured political
humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he
misses Bill Clinton.

“Yep, that’s right – I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever
got to having a real black man as President.”

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now? Look at him; his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets
a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s
shelves this week with ‘Clinton Soup in honor of one of the nations’
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know.”

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between the Bushes.

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Out for a stroll

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how did you do?”

” First Place ,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

” First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio says “this is mine.” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” they ask.

“Who the hell is Hillary?” asked Pinocchio.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller

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Confucius
Say…

Wish I had read these when I was
younger…

Confucius Say….
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say…
Better to lose a love than love a loser.

Confucius Say…
Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

Confucius Say…

Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out….you lose interest.

Confucius Say…
Viagra just like Disneyland …One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say…
Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not
want.

Confucius Say…
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.

Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | Leave a comment »

A New Term

Posted on 01/05/2016 by Grumpa Joe

A New Term Is Born
Speaks for Itself

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

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ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President put forth
by either party in the 2016 election year.

Filed under: Election, family, Humor | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Other Worlds To Sing In

Posted on 01/05/2016 by Grumpa Joe

 

THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL…. HELLO

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When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood…. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
“Information, please” I said into the
mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

“Information.”

“I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough
now that I had an audience.

“Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.

“Nobody’s home but me,” I blubbered.

“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.

“No,”
I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”
“Can you open the icebox?” she asked.

I said I could.

“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice…

After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.. I asked her for
help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.

She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts..

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died.. I called,

Information Please,” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ” Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”

“Information,” said in the now familiar voice. “How do I spell fix?”
I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.
“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I
somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle .. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, “Information Please.”
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

“Information.”

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying,
“Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”

I laughed, “So it’s really you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any
idea how much you meant to me during that time?”
I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me.

I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

“Please do”, she said. “Just ask for Sally.”

Three months later I was back in Seattle .. A different voice answered,

“Information.”
I asked for Sally.

“Are you a friend?” she said.

“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,”She said. “Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”

Before I could hang up, she said, ”
Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?” ”

Yes.” I answered.

“Well, Sally left a message for you.
She wrote it down in case you called.
Let me read it to you.”

The note said,
“Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.
He’ll know what I mean.”

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did…..

Lifting you on eagle’s wings.
May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey… NOT a guided tour.

I loved this story and just had to pass it on.
I hope you enjoy it too.

____________________________________________________________
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Filed under: Aging, family, Warm and Fuzzy | 1 Comment »

Who Said That?

Posted on 01/05/2016 by Grumpa Joe

I think I may be repeating myself by posting this, but I can’t teach these facts often enough.

Quite a list

I think he is a duck!

Keep this old adage in mind: If you walk like a duck and quack like a duck there is a very high probability that you’re a duck!

Mike Gallagher, the 8th most recognized talk radio personality in the country, is heard by over 2.25 million listeners weekly. He compiled and wrote the following essay entitled, “Obama: It was You.”

President Obama:

This is why you didn’t go to France to show solidarity against the Muslim terrorists:
·
It was you who spoke these words at an Islamic dinner -“I am one of you.”
·
It was you who on ABC News referenced -“My Muslim faith .”
·
It was you who gave $100 million in U.S. taxpayer funds to re-build foreign mosques.
·
It was you who wrote that in the event of a conflict-“I will stand with the Muslims .”
·
It was you who assured the Egyptian Foreign Minister that -“I am a Muslim .”
·
It was you who bowed in submission before the Saudi King.
·
It was you who sat for 20 years in a LiberationTheology Church condemning Christianity and professing Marxism.
·
It was you who exempted Muslims from penalties under Obamacare that the rest of us have to pay.
·
It was you who purposefully omitted – “endowed by our Creator ” – from your recitation of The Declaration OfIndependence.
·
It was you who mocked the Bible and Jesus Christ’s Sermon On The Mount while repeatedly referring to the ‘HOLY’ Qur’an.
·
It was you who traveled the Islamic world denigrating the United States Of America.
·
It was you who instantly threw the support of your
administration behind the building of the Ground Zero Victory mosque overlooking the hallowed crater of the World Trade Center.
·
It was you who refused to attend the National Prayer Breakfast,but hastened to host an Islamic prayer breakfast at the White House.
·
It was you who ordered Georgetown Univ. and Notre Dame to shroud all vestiges of Jesus Christ BEFORE you would agree to go there to speak, but in contrast, you have NEVER requested the mosques you have visited to adjust their decor.
·
It was you who appointed anti-Christian fanatics to your Czar Corps.
·
It was you who appointed rabid Islamists to Homeland Security.
·
It was you who said that NASA’s “foremost mission” was an outreach to Muslim communities.
·
It was you who as an Illinois Senator was the ONLY individual who would speak in favor of infanticide.
·
It was you who were the first President not to give a Christmas Greeting from the White House,and went so far as to hang photos of Chairman Mao on the WH tree.
·
It was you who curtailed the military tribunals of all Islamic terrorists.
·
It was you who refused to condemn the Ft. Hood killer as an Islamic terrorist.
·
It is you who has refused to speak-out concerning the horrific executions of women throughout the Muslim culture, but yet, have submitted Arizona
to the UN for investigation of hypothetical human-rights abuses.
·
It was you who when queried in India refused to acknowledge the true extent of radical global Jihadists, and instead profusely praised
Islam in a country that is 82% Hindu and the victim of numerous Islamic terrorists assaults.
·
It was you who funneled $900 Million in U.S.taxpayer dollars to Hamas.
·
It was you who ordered the USPS to honor the MUSLIM holiday with a new commemorative stamp.
·
It was you who directed our UK Embassy to conduct outreach to help “empower” the British Muslim community.
·
It was you who funded mandatory Arabic language and culture studies in Grammar schools across our country.
·
It is you who follows the Muslim custom of not wearing any form of jewelry during Ramadan.
·
It is you who departs forHawaii over the Christmas season so as to avoid past criticism for NOT participating in seasonal WH religious
events.
·
It was you who was uncharacteristically quick to join the chorus of the Muslim Brotherhood to deposeEgypt’s Hosni Mubarak, formerly
America’s strongest ally in North Africa; but, remain muted in your non-response to the Brotherhood led slaughter of Egyptian Christians.
·
It was you who appointed your chief adviser,Valerie Jarrett, an Iranian,who is a member of the Muslim Sisterhood, an off-shoot of the Muslim Brotherhood.
·
It was you who said this country is not a Christian nation.
Distribute this far and wide

—– End forwarded message —–

Filed under: Cartoons, Conservative, family, Government, health care, Obama, Uncategorized | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Hillaryious and Bill

Posted on 01/05/2016 by Grumpa Joe

No words needed

 

Filed under: Election, Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »