Potpourri

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For car enthusiasts who have daughters…………

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”
Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick , I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out, and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

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Just Think –
If Trump wins the election it’ll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!

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A Little Clinton Humor

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured political
humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he
misses Bill Clinton.

“Yep, that’s right – I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever
got to having a real black man as President.”

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now? Look at him; his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets
a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s
shelves this week with ‘Clinton Soup in honor of one of the nations’
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know.”

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between the Bushes.

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Out for a stroll

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how did you do?”

” First Place ,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

” First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio says “this is mine.” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” they ask.

“Who the hell is Hillary?” asked Pinocchio.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller

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Confucius
Say…

Wish I had read these when I was
younger…

Confucius Say….
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say…
Better to lose a love than love a loser.

Confucius Say…
Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

Confucius Say…

Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out….you lose interest.

Confucius Say…
Viagra just like Disneyland …One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say…
Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not
want.

Confucius Say…
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.

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