1. Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that as I have grown older I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
2. Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
3. Drive By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!!!
4. The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped at the nursing home to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked -You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
5. Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
6. Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!
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AMEN…Jesus told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish, do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish.
John 21:6 He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
“Origin of Left & Right…I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left”. By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 – “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. “ Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
It surely can’t get any simpler than that.
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Spelling Lesson:
The last four letters in American…I Can
The last four letters in Republican…I Can
The last four letters in Democrats….Rats
End of lesson! Test to follow on November 6, 2016.
Remember, November 2016 is to be set aside as rodent removal month. Do not be fooled by Hillary!
Please share this Bible Lesson with all your buddies to help achieve that goal.
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Catholic School
PRICELESS! 1+ 2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working….Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. . . She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. . . ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’
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- A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’
‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
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2. Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’
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3. The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
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4. Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’
Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
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5. Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …..”
[…] Source: Potpourri of Funny thoughts […]
Love the cartoon!