Points to Ponder

Just can’t take things too seriously

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”  I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor:    Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?

Him:   To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember…Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are…

I see people about my age mountain climbing;  I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster    noun:  the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work-outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Learn Something New Everyday

Famous sayings about having a cold one!

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png“Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

Babe Ruthhttps://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

Paul Horninghttps://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not!”

Steven Wright

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.”

George Bernard Shaw

 https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Benjamin Franklinhttps://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

Dave Barryhttps://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”

W. C. Fields

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”

Professor Irwin Corey

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.  Salvation in a can.”

Leo Durocher

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

One night at  Cheers,  a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Normmy, it’s like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

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