It’s Hell to Get Old

 

Everyone of these damn stories pertains to me. If I posted them before, well, so be it: enjoy them again.

Crazy-Funny-Old-Man-15-www.FunnyPica.com_-140x140

An elderly gentleman…
> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
> He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
> to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
> that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month
> to the doctor and the doctor said,
> ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
> must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
> The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
> I’ve changed my will three times!’

>
Two elderly gentlemen from a
> retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
> when one turns to the other and says:
> ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
> I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
> Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
> ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
> ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’
> The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
> ‘Do you mean a rose?’
> ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

I love this one!
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules,
> he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
> bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
> ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
> ‘Sure.’
> ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
> ‘No, I can remember it.’
> ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
> Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
> He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
> ‘I’d also like whipped cream.
> I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
> Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
> She stares at the plate for a moment.
> ‘Where’s my toast ?’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
> ‘Yep!’
> ‘Do I know her?’
> ‘Nope!’
> ‘This woman, is she good looking?’
> ‘Not really.’
> ‘Is she a good cook?’
> ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
> ‘Does she have lots of money?’
> ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
> ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
> ‘I don’t know.’
> ‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
> ‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
> Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
> Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor,
> ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
> It cost me four thousand dollars,
> but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
> ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
> ‘Twelve thirty..’

> Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
> the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
> ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
> Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
> ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
> The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
> ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

> And One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into
> an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
> painfully, up onto a stool …
> After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
> ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

The Beauty of Age

BAC-ATM-with-Teller-Assist-photo-12

Having recently experienced a similar exasperation while dealing with my bank over the phone this piece stuck me as hilarious. I only regret that I did not think of this first. I guess I am not old enough to conjure up this kind of logical thinking.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Elderly Banking… …………..PRICELESS

!! Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which  your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrange-
ment.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

What Not To Wear When Over 50

top-10-physically-modified-people18

Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you’ll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. In-line skates and a walker

And the ultimate ‘Bad Taste’ in fashion:

14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we might as well dance!!!!

Have a nice day!What

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