PSA-240409-Things to Ponder

Posted on 09/04/2024 by Grumpa Joe

           Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough!

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness.  (Mark Twain)

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick out one of your own.  I know that now.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie  chicken and then it’s  “Sir, you need to leave!”

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how  much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That’s seven years in a row, now.

If you drop something when you were younger, you just picked it up.  When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for  just a bit contemplating if  you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like  you treated her on your first date.  So tonight after dinner I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver:  “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”  Officer, “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.

He said, “I’ll see,” & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, “I’ll see,” & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places.He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

 Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, “That can’t be accurate!”

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?  The guy answers, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

I just burned 1,200 calories.   I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of  your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of  his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.

So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am.  3AM!!!  Luckily I was already up playing my bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow!  My house looks great.”

Filed under: Aging, Humor, Seniors | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Sticky Fingers

Posted on 04/05/2023 by Grumpa Joe

As usual, Maxine is dead right. Why would we believe the simpletons of government can do the job better? They toy with a mountain of our tax dollars as though it is sand. That is the real problem, they have too many of our dollars to handle. It is just too easy for a few thousand of them to stick to their fingers while they run their hands through the pile.

The last time we had bank bail outs was during the omnipotent Obama’s term as ruler. He had this queer little man named Barney Franks in charge of the committee to oversee the banking system. What we see today is the law Barney enacted to make sure this never happens again in action.

So much so for wise Democrats who know how to handle everything better than anybody else in the planetary system.

Filed under: Aging, Cartoons, Goverment | Tagged: , | Leave a comment »

PSA-230226-When Negativity is Good

Posted on 26/02/2023 by Grumpa Joe

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her. Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

Filed under: Cartoons, Humor | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Will We Keep Cleaning Up the Poop?

Posted on 10/10/2012 by Grumpa Joe

A couple of years ago, I received an inspiration to write an essay about my experience with gardening and conservatism. I called it “How the Garden Has Taught Me Conservatism.” I struggled with the concept that I envisioned. The piece turned out fair. Below is a piece from an e-mail that tells the same idea but with humor and precision. The story comes from Maxine, a famous cartoon character who is known for her outspoken manner. She calls a spade, a spade. Maxine did it again in this piece called “Its Time to Take Down the Bird Feeder.”

editor’s note: 2 October 2013. According to Snopes, this is not attributed to Maxine in any way. Although GrumpaJoesPlace does not knowingly post erroneous stuff like attributing Maxine to  “Its Time to Take Down the Bird Feeder,” this error fell between the cracks. Grumpa  Joe nonetheless finds the piece hilarious and has left it intact with an apology for posting something that is not correct.

Maxine Speaks

I bought a bird feeder. I hung  It on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it, lovingly with seed. Within a week we  had hundreds of  birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table,And next to the barbecue.  Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table … everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night, and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. Quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. 

Now let’s see, our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegal’s came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly Our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ‘Old Glory’ are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder. 

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the poop.

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Filed under: Birds, Cartoons, Conservative, family, Garden, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment »

It is Funny Folks, Laugh

Posted on 07/10/2012 by Grumpa Joe

Depressed Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc …. I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…… Folks, we’re screwed.

Thanks Ray, I had a good laugh.

Filed under: Cartoons, Humor, politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »