Humor | Grumpa Joe's Place

PSA-230320-Last Day of Winter Wisdom

Posted on 20/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

Oscar Wilde

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”

Will Rogers

“We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars –more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”

C.S. Lewis

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.”

Golda Meir

“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”

Bill Dane

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Mark Twain or Joe Biden

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.”

Tom Wilson

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”

Phyllis Diller

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

Rita Rudner

“I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.”

Phyllis Diller

“Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.”

George Burns

“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get backup”

John Wagner

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.”

Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”

Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.”

Robert Orben

“It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.”

Unknown

“At my age, flowers scare me.”

George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.”

Unknown

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”

Ann Landers

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.

When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.

Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.”

George Burns

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.”

Robert Brault

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”

Unknown

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”

Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.”

Lee Trevino

“You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.”

John Mendoza

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”

George Carlin

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

Bob Hope

“I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”

Barry Cryer

“I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”

Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. Then, you only have to remember it.”

George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”

Maurice Chevalier

“Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380pounds, and tell the truth.”

Conan O’Brien

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.”

Albert Einstein

“Grand children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”

J. Norman Collie

“You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”

Hy Gardner

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

Mark Twain

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.”

Joel Plaskett

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.”

Dennis Wolfberg

“I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.”

Josh Billings

“At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.”

Unknown

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”

George Burns

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”

Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

George Burns

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

George Burns

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.”

Anonymous

Filed under: Aging, Humor | Tagged: Quotes, Wisdom | 1 Comment »

PSA-230315-I’m Cheating Again

Posted on 15/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

Filed under: Aging, Humor | Tagged: Memes, Old age | Leave a comment »

PSA-230303-I heard All This Before

Posted on 03/03/2023 by Grumpa Joe

This list sounds like something I posted before, but just like when my parents taught me these lessons I didn’t remember them.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
   “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
   “Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
   “Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
   “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
   “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
   “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…

Filed under: Education, family, Humor | Tagged: Parental lessons, Wisdom | Leave a comment »

PSA-230226-When Negativity is Good

Posted on 26/02/2023 by Grumpa Joe

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her. Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

Filed under: Cartoons, Humor | Tagged: Maxine, negativity | 2 Comments »