PSA-170213-Monday Giggles

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  1. A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”
  2. An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
    Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about
    medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
    Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
    Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

    Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”

    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”

    Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill)

    Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

    Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

    Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

    ENJOY YOUR DAY !!

    3. The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
    mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near the campground when
    he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He
    found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for
    Hillary’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming
    and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free
    himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers
    wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
    magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled
    the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp.

    Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
    Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their
    pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat
    in the back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him.
    “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly
    proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between
    Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now
    I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

    As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that
    guy?”Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct
    contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

    “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he
    don’t know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
    alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

    4. A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
    The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
    ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now ;and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.

    ”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

    Not All Seniors Are Senile…

5.   A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth &
a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare
office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the
system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply
all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her
20’s and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me?”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”

 

6     Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women as given by David Letterman
And here we go…
#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month..
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women…..
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.

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