Straight from the Indian Hills Pun Factory
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PSA-201105-More Useless Information
Posted on 05/11/2020 by Grumpa Joe
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Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals. (note from Sandy – perhaps because zero wasn’t considered a number in Roman times. That happened in middle ages)
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
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Having A Pun Attack!
Posted on 02/11/2020 by Grumpa Joe
“Puns” to make you smile
1. A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN CHICAGO READs: We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you.
2 A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: “Blind man driving.”
3. Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
4. In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
5. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
6. At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
7. On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.
”8. On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
9. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
10. On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
11. In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
12. On a Maternity Room door:” Push Push. Push.”
13. At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
14. Outside a Muffler Shop: …they really mean silencer… “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
15. In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
16. At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”
17. In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
18. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
19. At a Propane Filling Station:”Thank Heaven for little grills.”
20. And the best one for last…; Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
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Puns Too Long To Get
Posted on 05/08/2020 by Grumpa Joe
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are.”
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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out
a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief,
telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on.”
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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
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Some Strange English
Posted on 20/07/2020 by Grumpa Joe
– The meaning of opaque is unclear.
– I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
– Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
– A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
– I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
– It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
– So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.
– Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
– The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
– Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
– Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
– I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
– Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
– I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
– The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
– What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
– Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
– My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sewitseams.
– What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
– A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
– There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
– How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
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