I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don’t listen and something else…. At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next. I thought growing old would take longer. I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on. The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed….I need bail money. I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once. Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They Forgot to mention morons. The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.” A dog accepts you as the boss… a cat wants to see your resume. Oops…. did I roll my eyes out loud? Life is too short to waste time matching socks. Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed; we’re having a staff meeting. I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.” I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. Project Manager…because Miracle Worker isn’t an official job title. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. Measure once, cuss twice.. I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives. The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love. Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home. I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.
I thought I would leave October with a few funny stories.
On the lighter side of life!
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.” You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.” Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.” A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it. He got an A+.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.” The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.” After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?” She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
“Florida Woman Stops 12 foot Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol.”
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here’s her story in her own words: “While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in T he Villages, Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
“If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today. Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The alligator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was truly incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus.”
Today I experienced an example of how when I rely on the Internet for information it can lead me into a dead end. A few weeks ago, I married for the third time. The lady I chose for Mrs. Grumpajoe the third(GJ-3)is six years younger than Grumpajoe himself. The first Mrs. Grumpajoe-1 and I were the same age while Mrs. Grumpajoe-2 was five years older than he so the experiment here is to see if the younger Mrs. GJ-3 can out live him. Surely, I don’t want to see her fail and die a miserable death as 1 and 2 did, but I digress.
Mrs. GJ-3 loves old stuff. With the great COVID close down of 2020 lasting into 2021 she has been shut out of one of her favorite past-times i.e. flea-marketing. Last Thursday she sprung a surprise on me by announcing that we were going to visit her grandson who lives in a town seventy miles from here. She had the days mapped out and this morning we were to go flea marketing. Generally, there are some very large markets that are open on the first weekend of the month. Today was the first weekend. Guess where we were going?
I had to search the internet to locate Gurney, IL which I remember having a huge market. They are also known for their large Outlet market place. My search didn’t find the Gurnee flea-market. Evidently, it was a victim of COVID. The nearest market was shown to be in the town of Grayslake. There was something odd about the way they listed the hours, and dates. Today’s activities were shown in a light blue text, while at the bottom of the listing were two more dates shown in bold-black in November, and December. Hymmm.
Mrs. GJ-3 and I got up early and hurriedly drove to the Lake County Fairgrounds home of said flea market. The parking lot was crowded and people were streaming forward in controlled lines, one-way in and others coming out in another lane. What was really strange was when we entered the building a nice young masked lady asked if we had an appointment. “Appointment for a flea market?” She laughed and said we should proceed and to tell them that we were walk-ins. We passed through the next door into this huge open space, and all I saw were people in orderly lines heading toward tables where other people were asking them to roll up their sleeves. There were lines of unoccupied wheelchairs parked all around the lines. Then it dawned on me, we were in a COVID Vaccination site.
We quietly backed out, but not before being given a hard sell to get a free vaccination while we were there. My argument was the CDC doesn’t recommend getting a third shot so soon after the first two.
The ride home was much longer than the ride out. Our disappointment was showing on our faces and attitudes. Mrs. GJ-3 continued to search the net for information about Gurney only to learn first-hand that there was nothing, she found the same for Grayslake. That seemed to calm her down a little.
Burning gas is one of my least favorite things to do unless it is for a purpose. On the return, we passed through Mundelein and I turned into Grand Dominion a Del Webb development which has haunted me for twenty years. When I wintered in Arizona I stayed in Del Webb communities. Sun City, Sun City West, and Sun City Grand are all magnificently planned to support active life styles for old geezers like me. When I heard they have a community in Illinois north of Chicago I’ve always wanted to see what it was like. This morning I got to realize that idea. I can’t call it a dream, because it is nowhere close to a dream. The impression I got was it reminded me of Gateway an over fifty-five manufactured home community in Frankfort. Except the homes don’t arrive on wheels. They are nice size homes with what looks like PVC siding, and are spaced close to each other. The back yard is a postage stamp. The side facing the street is mostly a concrete drive way. In Arizona the homes are a few feet further apart, but the back yards are much larger to space people away from each other. At this location, the premium lots are on a small lake affording a lake view. In Sun City, the nice lots face an emerald green golf course.
There is a large clubhouse near the entrance which I didn’t visit. It most likely houses the sales staff, swimming pool, some club rooms and a restaurant. The Old Dominion website lists all the amenities they provide. In the Arizona locations they have several community centers located throughout. These sites have sport and craft-activity rooms to house the more than three hundred hobby clubs that residents can amuse themselves in. Overall, I was not impressed with the Illinois community. The homes didn’t impress me nor did the community layout. At least I saved a dead-end adventure and satisfied a long-time desire. Mrs. GJ-3 was not impressed at all, and dozed during my tour. Her dream is to live on a five acre lot with a large garden and a small forest separating neighbors.
