PSA-220216-Wisdom for the Ages

  • The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,
  • Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. 
  • Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
  • Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
  • “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”
    • “Great, I’ll start later.”
  • Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either. 
  • If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
  • Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks – “What the Hell is wrong with you?” 
  • “I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”
    • “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”
  • “Really?”
    • “Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
  • When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
  • Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. 
  • When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
  • Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
  • Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
  • Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one either.
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food; no atmosphere.
  • If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
  • “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
  • I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine.
    • I’m aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.
  • Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
  • I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime. 
  • Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
  • Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
  • Sooo, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?