170623-Funnies

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     The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
      There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.
      ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
Good Heavens‘ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’
‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking’
###################################################################
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong –
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.  When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the  remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.
Turns out it’s about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute
  Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For god sakes ,   if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  made you fart?”

QANTAS
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!! “

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