Hump Day Funnies

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1.) Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show.

The third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly
arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical
Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is
flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. “At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my
people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many.  Why do you suppose
that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That’s ’cause
we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s
a-comin’”.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2.) My wife and I went into town and visited a new shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Shirley (my wife) called him a “shithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us, and just walked away.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Hillary 2016 stickers on them……

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.  They say It’s important for people of our age!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

3.) GOLDEN OLDIES FROM JAY LENO:

“I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS.”

On NSA surveillance: “We wanted a president who listens to all Americans — now we have one.”

On a new IRS commissioner: “He’s called ‘acting commissioner’ because he has to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.”

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: “If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company.  The doors will be shut in a month.”

Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: “Remember in the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?”

On saying he didn’t know about the IRS scandal: “He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS.”

“The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi:  Hope and change the subject.”

“It’s casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they’re casually going through everybody’s phone calls and records.”

“It is not looking good for President Obama.  Today his teleprompter took the fifth.”

“Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!'”

On commencement address:  “He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs.”

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel:  “The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi.”

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: “They took ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.”

Now the last and I think best….. 
    
”These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon.  It’s gotten so bad that people in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

4.) A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumting, lady – I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am,

I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

5.) A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and your not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer replied. “I’m one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn’t.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said,
“Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!”

Beer Sales w/o Horses

 

 

 

545 vs 320,000,000

charleyreese

Charlie Reese’s last column for Orlando Sentinel…WORTH THE READ!

Date:May 3, 2016
A very interesting column.. COMPLETELY NEUTRAL
Be sure to Read the Poem at the end.

Charley Reese’s final column for the Orlando Sentinel…

He has been a journalist for 49 years.

He is retiring and this is HIS LAST COLUMN.

Be sure to read the Tax List at the end.

This is about as clear and easy to understand as it can be.
The article below is completely neutral, neither anti-republican or democrat.
Charlie Reese, a retired reporter for the Orlando Sentinel, has hit the nail directly
on the head, defining clearly who it is that in the final analysis must assume
responsibility for the judgments made that impact each one of us every day.
It’s a short but good read. Worth the time. Worth remembering!

545 vs. 300,000,000 People
-By Charlie Reese
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don’t propose a federal budget. The President does.

You and I don’t have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don’t write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don’t set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don’t control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one President, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a President to do one cotton-picking thing. I don’t care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator’s responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The President can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House now? He is the leader of the majority party. He and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the President vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted — by present facts — of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can’t think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it’s because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it’s because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in Iraq and Afghanistan it’s because they want them in Iraq and Afghanistan …

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it’s because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like “the economy,” “inflation,” or “politics” that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees…

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

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What you do with this article now that you have read it… is up to you.

This might be funny if it weren’t so true.

Be sure to read all the way to the end:

Tax his land,

Tax his bed,

Tax the table,

At which he’s fed.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes

Are the rule.

Tax his work,

Tax his pay,

He works for

peanuts anyway!

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirt,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he

Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,

Tax his beers,

If he cries

Tax his tears.

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

To tax his ???.

Tax all he has

Then let him know

That you won’t be done

Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;

Then tax him some more,

Tax him till

He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in

Which he’s laid…

Put these words

Upon his tomb,

‘Taxes drove me

to my doom…’

When he’s gone,

Do not relax,

Its time to apply

The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL license Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Excise Taxes

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)

Gross Receipts Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Personal Property Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service Charge Tax

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

Sales Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Taxes

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom, if agreed, stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the heck happened? Can you spell ‘politicians?

Don’t Say It Can’t Be Done

What did Presidents Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower, and Carter have in common?
(This is something that should be of great interest for you to pass
around. I didn’t know of this until it was pointed out to me.)

Back during the great depression, Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million illegal aliens after WWII to create jobs for returning veterans.

In 1954 Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million illegal Mexicans. The program was called Operation Wetback. It was done so WWII and Korean War veterans would have a better chance at jobs. It took two years, but they deported them!

Jimmy Carter deported 15,000 Iranians and didn’t let any enter!

Now, if they could deport the illegal aliens back then, they could surely do it today. If you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.

Why, you might ask, can’t they do this today? Actually the answer is quite simple. Hoover , Truman,  Eisenhower, and Carter were men of honor, not untrustworthy politicians looking for votes!

And Reminder: Don’t forget to pay your taxes – 12 to 20 million illegal aliens – are depending on it.

How long are we going to be so STUPID about our Government?

In today’s world we have a President who does the opposite. He smuggles illegal aliens into the country from Syria at night on commercial air carriers then busses them to cities all across the United States to let them loose.

A Trip To Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said: “Who fucked up your hair?”

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Some Guys Have An Easy Life

A guy comes home from work, and his wife asks,
” What did you do at work today?”
He answers, “I changed a light bulb”.
She replies, “So you had an easy day, huh?”

Take a look at what he did to change that light bulb.

Watch as he leans back against the safety rope and takes a selfie after finishing.

Our Political Parties Have Flipped

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All through my childhood(1938-1952) my Dad told me that the Democrat Party was for the working man. He said that because during the depression President Roosevelt continuously invented new  programs to create jobs. In the process he socialized the country with some pretty huge bureaucratic agencies that we are still stuck with today.

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The SECURITIES AND EXCHANGE COMMISSION (SEC) was created to serve as a watchdog on the stock market.

The FEDERAL HOUSING AUTHORITY (FHA) provided low interest loans for new home construction. The HOME OWNERS LOAN CORPORATION (HOLC) allowed homeowners to refinance mortgages to prevent foreclosure or to make home improvements.

The UNITED STATES HOUSING AUTHORITY (USHA) initiated the idea of government-owned low-income housing projects.

The PUBLIC WORKS ADMINISTRATION (PWA) created thousands of jobs by authorizing the building of roads, bridges, and dams.

The NATIONAL YOUTH ADMINISTRATION (NYA) provided college students with work-study jobs.

The NATIONAL LABOR RELATIONS BOARD (NLRB) was designed to protect the right of collective bargaining and to serve as a liaison between deadlock industrial and labor organizations.

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My Dad wouldn’t let go of the line that Roosevelt is for the working people. As I listened to Donald Trump’s acceptance speech this week Dad’s words kept rolling through my mind. There was a part of Trump’s speech that sounded more Democratic than Republican. Here are a few excerpts:

“I have a different vision for our workers. It begins with a new, fair trade policy that protects our jobs  . . .”

“I am going to bring our jobs back our jobs to Ohio and Pennsylvania and New York and Michigan and all of America and I am not going to let companies move to other countries, firing their employees along the way, without consequences.. . . ”

“I pledge to never sign any trade agreement that hurts our workers . . .”

“My opponent, on the other hand, wants to put the great miners and steelworkers of our country out of work and out of business. That will never happen with Donald J Trump as president. Our steelworkers and are miners are going back to work again.”

These quotes sure sound a little democratic to me.

“So what?” I asked myself, so he is for the working people. At this point in time, he is dead right. America has lost millions of jobs to China, Mexico, Costa Rica, Singapore, Viet Nam, South Korea, Japan. You name any country, and most likely we have exported jobs there. This has resulted in the largest re-distribution of wealth in the history of the world, that is until Obama started. All of the wealth has come from the middle class.  Why did we give all those jobs away? It was because of high labor costs.  In my  opinion it was the result of labor unions refusing to understand the need for business to profit. They became too greedy, and obnoxious during their negotiations.

Lately, all I hear about is how Hillary is taking big money for her speeches which she delivers to countries, banks, and big businesses. She won’t even release the transcripts of her speeches so we the little guy can learn from her high priced wisdom. In years past, the Republicans were always the ones who supported big business.

What has happened to the political parties in our country? They seem to have flipped in their philosophies. With the middle class shrunk to near zero, the democrats had to re-invent themselves in order to survive. Bill Clinton has set an example that I’m sure Obama will follow. Clinton invented a money laundering scheme which he calls a charity, and is living higher than he did as president.  Thankfully, Trump has solidly embraced the working man over the lobbiest-world of campaign contributions.

We the people have finally recognized this phenomenon, and are in the process of correcting it. On the other hand the democrats have learned to love the benefits of really big money coming their way. They are no longer satisfied with We the People except for their votes. As soon as they are elected they forget all about the little guy. While  Republicans have always supported the money, they seem to be drunk on campaign contributions and a super easy job as Senator or Congressman. They also forget about us after we elect them.

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What we need is a clean slate filled with honest people who want to serve the country. The Constitution won’t allow us a clean sweep. By design the Founders deliberately set up the system to enable a smooth flow of government without an overload of new talent that could endanger the country. What they failed to realize is that the Congress would make their positions a career and that there is an overload of people who have been in office much too long. A Congressional Convention will be necessary to revise the Constitution to add term limits. If the US Congress is anything like the Illinois House they will reject term limits every time it comes up. Why would they vote on a proposal to lose a high paid cushy job?

So what do we do next? Let me know your ideas in the comment section below.

 

 

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