Hump Day Funnies

people-laughing.jpg

1.) Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show.

The third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly
arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical
Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is
flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. “At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my
people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many.  Why do you suppose
that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That’s ’cause
we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s
a-comin’”.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2.) My wife and I went into town and visited a new shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Shirley (my wife) called him a “shithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us, and just walked away.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Hillary 2016 stickers on them……

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.  They say It’s important for people of our age!

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3.) GOLDEN OLDIES FROM JAY LENO:

“I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS.”

On NSA surveillance: “We wanted a president who listens to all Americans — now we have one.”

On a new IRS commissioner: “He’s called ‘acting commissioner’ because he has to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.”

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: “If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company.  The doors will be shut in a month.”

Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: “Remember in the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?”

On saying he didn’t know about the IRS scandal: “He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS.”

“The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi:  Hope and change the subject.”

“It’s casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they’re casually going through everybody’s phone calls and records.”

“It is not looking good for President Obama.  Today his teleprompter took the fifth.”

“Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!'”

On commencement address:  “He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs.”

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel:  “The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi.”

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: “They took ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.”

Now the last and I think best….. 
    
”These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon.  It’s gotten so bad that people in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

4.) A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumting, lady – I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am,

I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

5.) A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and your not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer replied. “I’m one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn’t.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said,
“Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!”

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