It’s Hell to Get Old


Everyone of these damn stories pertains to me. If I posted them before, well, so be it: enjoy them again.


An elderly gentleman…
> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
> He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
> to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
> that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month
> to the doctor and the doctor said,
> ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
> must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
> The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
> I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen from a
> retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
> when one turns to the other and says:
> ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
> I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
> Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
> ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
> ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’
> The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
> ‘Do you mean a rose?’
> ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

I love this one!
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules,
> he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
> bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
> ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
> ‘Sure.’
> ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
> ‘No, I can remember it.’
> ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
> Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
> He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
> ‘I’d also like whipped cream.
> I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
> Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
> She stares at the plate for a moment.
> ‘Where’s my toast ?’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
> ‘Yep!’
> ‘Do I know her?’
> ‘Nope!’
> ‘This woman, is she good looking?’
> ‘Not really.’
> ‘Is she a good cook?’
> ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
> ‘Does she have lots of money?’
> ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
> ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
> ‘I don’t know.’
> ‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
> ‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
> Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
> Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor,
> ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
> It cost me four thousand dollars,
> but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
> ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
> ‘Twelve thirty..’

> Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
> the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
> ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
> Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
> ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
> The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
> ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

> And One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into
> an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
> painfully, up onto a stool …
> After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
> ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’