Grumpa Joe's Place

1. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

 It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff  drink”.

 Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

 This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population

with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 2. 

NEW PASSWORD ATTEMPTS

    roses  “Sorry, too few characters.” 

  pretty roses , “Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.” 

  1 pretty rose  “Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.” 

  1prettyrose  “Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters.” 

  1fuckingprettyrose  “Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character.” 

  1FUCKINGprettyrose  “Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.” 

  1FuckingPrettyRose  “Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters.” 

  1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow.  “Sorry, you cannot use punctuation.” 

  1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow 

  “Sorry, that password is already in use.”

3. 

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India . 

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, 

You have passed all the tests, except one.

 It is a simple test of your English language skills 

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’ 

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’ 

The manager said,  “You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink,and Green .’ 

 Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’  

 The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’ 

Mujibar said,  ‘The telephone goes green, green,  And I pink it up, and say, 

Yellow, this is Jeremy.’ 

Mujibar now works at a call center.  No doubt you have spoken to him.

4. 

Subject: Priest

 At a hospital in Washington, DC, an elderly priest was spending the last hours of his fruitful life. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital and was well known among the elected officials.

 He motioned for his nurse to come near.  

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse. 

“I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die,” whispered the priest.  

“I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.  

 The nurse sent the request to The President and Reid and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived–President Obama and Harry Reid would be 

delighted to visit the priest.  

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.”    

Reid agreed that it was a good thing.  

When they arrived at his room, the priest took Reid’s hand in his right hand and Obama’s hand in his left.  

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. 

 Finally Obama spoke.

“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to

 be with you as you near the end?”  

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”  

“Amen,” said Obama. 

“Amen,” said Reid.  

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two thieves; I would like to do the same.” 

5.

AMAZING IMPOSSIBILITIES.  DID YOU KNOW THIS?

A.  You can’t count your hair.

B.  You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

C.  You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

D.  Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.

E.  Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!

6) You are laughing at yourself,

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) (You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.)

9) ) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

F.  You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the

idiot fool category.

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”

6.

 I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my 

“Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House. 

It contained:

 · An aspirin and a band-aid.

· An ‘Obama Hope & Change’ bumper sticker

· A ‘Bush’s Fault’ yard sign

· A ‘Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody’  poster

· A ‘Tax the Rich’ banner

· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone

· An application for food stamps

· A prayer rug

· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren

· And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my ass.  

 

7.A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?”Yep!”Do I know her?”Nope!”This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’ ‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’ 8. A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’ 9.. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’ 10. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’ 11. A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks. ‘No, I can remember it.’ ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’ He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks. Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?”

Filed under: family, Humor | Tagged: Barack Obama, harry Reid, Jesus, Obama, Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Pepsi, Reid, Senate |