Wisdom From the Masters

Posted on 09/01/2022 by Grumpa Joe
1.        In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.— John   Adams
 2.  If you don ‘t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.— Mark   Twain
 3.  Suppose you were an   idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then, I repeat   myself.— Mark   Twain
 4.  I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.— Winston   Churchill
 5.  A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.— George Bernard Shaw
 6.  A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.— G. Gordon   Liddy
 7.  Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.— James Bovard, Civil   Libertarian (1994)
 8.  Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.— Douglas Casey,   Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown   University
 9.  Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.— P.J. O ‘Rourke,   Civil Libertarian
 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.— Frederic Bastiat,   French economist(1801-1850)
 11.  Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.— Ronald Reagan   (1986)
 12.  I don ‘t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the   facts.— Will Rogers
 13.  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!— P.J. O ‘Rourke
 14.  In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.— Voltaire   (1764)
 15.  Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!— Pericles (430   B.C.)
 16.  No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.— Mark Twain   (1866)
 17. Talk is cheap …. Except when Congress does it.—   Anonymous
 18.  The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.— Ronald   Reagan
 19.  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.— Winston   Churchill
 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.— Mark Twain
 21.  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.— Herbert Spencer,   English Philosopher (1820-1903)
 22.  There is no distinctly Native American criminal class …. Save Congress.— Mark  Twain
 23.  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.— Edward Langley,   Artist (1928-1995)
 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.— Thomas   Jefferson
 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.—   Aesop

Filed under: Conservative, Government, Humor, Satire | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a comment »

Humor From the North

Posted on 05/01/2022 by Grumpa Joe

Filed under: Humor, Satire, Warm and Fuzzy | Tagged: , | Leave a comment »

Last Minute Shopping

Posted on 22/12/2021 by Grumpa Joe

Like all good men I deferred shopping for Christmas gifts until the last possible moment. Today, I was reminded why I haven’t shopped at a mall in over twenty years. With a new wife in mourning over the loss of her only child going through our first Christmas together, and her first Christmas without him, I thought it might be wise to buy her a little something. This morning I left to go shopping after meeting with a Notary and signing 150 pages of refinancing documents. I figured after that experience shopping would be simple. WRONG!

For once I had some gift ideas in mind and I was determined to fulfill them. I learned while listening to her grandson that Lovely likes a perfume by Givenchy. I searched the internet for where to buy it, Macy’s came up. Luckily there is a Macy’s near us in the town of Orland Park. That also clued me to the fact that this tiny bottle of scented liquid will be costly.

I routed myself via a little known street that goes north and south to the Orland Mall. The main route is fast but there is so much traffic on that road that fast is only a dream. My route was slow and steady, but got me there within twenty minutes. I parked on the East side of the building where there are fewer people entering. That was also a good move because I entered directly into the store and followed my nose to the perfume department. That is when I hit the wall. One would think they were giving the stuff away there were so many people, 99% women, and me. I asked one lady where I could find Givenchy she told me to turn left and head for the wall. I did, no one there knew where Givenchy was. I felt like a cue ball bouncing around as I hit the rubber bumpers from one counter an another. Finally, on the sixth ask, I found a lady who looked at me and said “here,” but we are sold out.” I gave her a dumb stare and decided to be charitable she only works there and she wasn’t responsible for inventory management.

A new scene unfolded as I began searching for a new scent to buy. The clerk sprays a business card with the smell and I was expected to like it or not. On the fourth one, my smeller was totally neutered and it could have been dog excrement and I would have said “yes that is the one.” Well it didn’t actually smell like dog crap so I bought it. The sales clerk bagged it all pretty in tissue paper and stuffed it into an oversize Macy’s bag. I ran from the store into the main mall. Luckily I quickly found the next place I wanted to visit, Victoria’s Secret. Two steps into the store a hot young thing with a bare midriff latched onto me and off we went to the undie department. My lovely was perusing a catalog a few days ago and stopped at an ad offering 5 pairs of undies for under $10, “buy them,” I said. “No, no” she said, they are too expensive. Well, I found a deal at 5 for $35. I never realized that women’s underwear has more styles, designs, and fabrics than Carter has pills. After about fifteen agonizing minutes selecting five of the same thing in different colors I said, “I’ll take them, now what?” The hot thing shoved them into a crude bag and said take them to the next room there’s a line. I did and almost balked. The line was ten people long and social distanced.

When it was my turn I landed at the teller window staffed by a nice young black girl that was very well endowed. She wore a black blouse that exposed her belly and was held together by one button positioned half way between her boobs and her belly button. The two girls bulged out looking for a chance to escape to freedom. I was never so anxious to pay for something and to get the hell out of there.

One thing I noticed is that all the sales girls were made up alike. They wore lots of eye shadow, had eyelashes long enough to sweep the floor, and their nails were catlike but done exquisitely. The crowds were large and buying stuff, not like last Christmas when we were in COVID mode.

I vowed that if I survive until Christmas 2022 that I will again avoid shopping centers, and buy my stuff online.

Filed under: Biography, Satire | Tagged: , , | Leave a comment »

A Smoldering Pile Of Ashes

Posted on 24/08/2021 by Grumpa Joe

If one wants to get sick he can wander outside into crowds and pick up some COVID-19 virus, or he can listen to cable news and hear too much sh_t about Afghanistan. I don’t wander out and I quit watching the news about a country that we should be taking title to. After twenty years one would think that we own the place. Instead we leave it with our heads down, ears back and tail drooping between our legs. Why did we do this without getting any satisfaction? To me the root cause is simple. We believe in diplomacy instead of common sense. If we were really smart we would believe in common sense and diplomacy working together. Liberals tend to prefer diplomacy over military solutions. Our leadership has been mostly shit-headed liberal for more than sixteen of the twenty years we have engaged the Muslims in their world. They are Ivy-League educated Political Scientists who seem to have their heads buried in their rectums. Me, I prefer the George S. Patton method of diplomacy, we win they lose. One of the main problems with the Afghan world is that they are Muslims and they profess the same simple philosophy as Patton. Because of our Constitution giving us all religious freedom we shy away from taking other people’s religious freedom from them. What we forget is that they are not U.S. citizens and the Constitution doesn’t apply to them. When we engage in war against a people other than our own we should not project our rules on them. Hell, that would be hypocritical you say. BS, I say we will use any rules necessary to win.

In the very olden days of Empires, our very own British Empire, to whom we once belonged, had no problem with taking a country over and ruling it by the British system. Just about every known country on the globe fell under the rule of the British Empire. It wasn’t until we the colonist people stood up to them that we separated successfully. Had we not done that we would still be having tea every afternoon at four. Ownership is a benefit of occupation, and the British knew how to do that well. It was simple, the Brits ruled and the population was subjugated to their rule. It is my opinion that we in the United States should also have taken this approach when deciding to occupy Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait, etc. We would now be the proud owners of many resources that are found in the mountains and deserts of those countries.

Think about it. Because we would literally own these territories we could then relegate the governance of these places to all the brain dead liberals who are trying to change our Constitution to be something we don’t want it to be. They could spend all their energies talking to and dealing with the Muslims who would be operating under the we win you lose philosophy. Our administration would not have to worry about adhering to the Constitution because it will never work for them. Our guys would have a field day applying the rules of the Koran into a working democracy. The liberal administrative solution would be to rename the Constitution to the Koran. It would be an arm wrestle between the strongest Muslim and our local Ambassador for which would be changed, the Koran renamed to the Constitution, or the Constitution renamed to the Koran? I won’t ask what you think would happen, there is only one option that would be acceptable to the occupied citizenry.

Again, my philosophy on Afghanistan is that we should have beat them militarily into a smoldering pile of ashes about eighteen years ago, and then made them subject to us. If they didn’t like our rules, and since they love cutting peoples heads off I would grant them equal treatment and a direct line to heaven by guillotine.

At the very least, had I been Commander in Chief I would have ordered every U.S. Citizen out of the country by a deadline. If they didn’t make the deadline I would take it to mean that these people had switched their alliances from the U.S. to Afghanistan and have chosen to remain. After all citizens were flown home, I would offer the same deal to all certified friends of the U.S Military. Once I was assured that ll of our people were out I would order a hasty retreat of all military personnel, but not before blowing up the Afghan government complex into a smoldering pile of ashes. That’s diplomacy baby, we win, you lose.

Filed under: Conservative, Government, muslims, religion, Satire | Tagged: , , | Leave a comment »

Green New Deal-Dream to Reality

Posted on 06/02/2021 by Grumpa Joe

While driving north on interstate 355 this week I passed a familiar air inflated dome on the East side. My mind was racing through many wild thoughts like a newsreel gone wild. Flashes of ideas burning their way through my brain. It seemed like the wheels on a slot machine whirling through waiting to settle on something. Then the images stopped just as the dome came into view. Emblazoned across the balloon was the name “Bo Jackson’s Elite Sports.”

What if we were to enclose the entire country under one giant humongous air building like Bo Jackson’s? We might actually be able to achieve the dream of the Green New Deal? Without any dirty air coming at us from different parts of the polluted world it could be possible. Constructing the cocoon over America would be easier than convincing countries like China to cut their emissions. We could definitely control the air inside our cocoon. Or could we? Then, the practical aspects of living in a balloon began to spin in my slot machine idea generator. How would we cover the mountains? Building the fence between Mexico and the USA was a large enough task, but it would be declared a piece of cake compared to covering the Smokies and the Rockies under a balloon. The idea generator began spinning again, and a new picture developed. What if we merely covered the cities and towns all around the States? In other words, just put balloon buildings where people live. That way they can breathe absolutely 99.9999% pure air and be allergy and asthma free. The town balloon can be connected by balloon tunnels between. Oh yeah, well what about all the emission you generate inside the balloon? Not a problem with electric vehicles. Where will you get the electricity? Also not as big a problem when all the balloon structures are also encased in photovoltaic cells generating as much power as needed. Also, it will be without the unsightly acres and acres of solar panels.

When millions of people are enclosed within a limited air building they will generate tons of exhaled carbon dioxide which will have to be dealt with, how? Well we could just displace the carbon dioxide with pure filtered air without pollutants. In nature, the trees and vegetation do that work for us by using the carbon dioxide to power photosynthesis. But still, we will have to dispose of the tons of exhaled carbon. Where? How about we build a balloon chimney to blow the needed carbon into the space beyond our stratosphere? One novel idea proposed by science is to convert the carbon into coal. Isn’t that where all this began? Coal? My idea generator stopped spinning at two cherries and a lemon. Thankfully, by this time I arrived at my destination and my mind was forced into thinking about other matters like lunch and where to buy gasoline.

Filed under: Education, family, Fiction, Satire, Science | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

« Previous Page — Next Page »