Subject: Ole & Lena Jokes

*The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North
Dakotan invented the hole in it.*
*When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw
in his watch and billfold. He explained, ‘I’m not going down dere yust for
50 cents.’*
*A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ‘Yep, dat’s her!’*
*Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned withonly
one fish. ‘The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400′ said the First
Norwegian.’Vell,’ said the other one, ‘At dat price it’s a good ting ve
didn’t catch any more.’*

*Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One
evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached
over and patted Lena on her knee. ‘Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
relations?’ He asked. ‘Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know,’ replied Lena. ‘I
don’t tink ve evengot a card from dem last Christmas.’*

*Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Larsinquired
how she was doing with it.’Oh,’ said Ole, ‘I persvaded her to svitch to a
clarinet.’ ‘How come?’ asked Lars.’Vell,’ Ole answered, ‘because vith a
clarinet, she can’t sing.’*
*The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed
and Ole answers. ‘Vell how DA hell should I know, dats two tousand miles
from here’ he says and hangs up. ‘Who vas dat?’ asks Lena . ‘I donno, some
fool wanting to know if DA coast vas clear.’*

*On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his
hand on Lena ‘s knee. Giggling, Lena said, ‘Ole, you can go farther than
that if you vant to. So Ole drove to Duluth .*

*Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of
the little town of Albert Lea, Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good
friend of Ole’s said,’Ole…What in the world are you doing?Where are your
clothes? You’re naked.’*
*’Yah, I know,’ said Ole. You see, I vas over to dat ‘playboy’ Swen’s for*
*his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.’*
*’Is that right?’, his policeman friend asked.*

*‘Yah Yah, Anyway, dat Swen, he says, ‘Everybody get into the bedroom!’So
vee all go into the bedroom….where den he yells, ‘Everybody gitnaked!’
‘Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, ‘Everybody go totown!’*
*I guess I’m the first one here!*

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Never Squat With Your Spurs On – Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political, country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman … Neither work

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading;
The few who learn by observation;
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves
.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed
.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

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Absolutely politically incorrect. Gotta love British humor
……………………………………………………

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements.
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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Years ago it was suggested that,
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great !
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
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During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,
so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
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An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied,
“Remain calm and stay on the line.”

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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn’t realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.
If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St Peter’s Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor;

Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘

I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin’ down da road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor:

‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,

‘How are you feelin’?

‘Now, wot da fock would you say?’

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Marine Corps Fighter Pilot
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

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That’s All Folks

Filed under: Humor | Tagged: Funny Stories, Jokes |