Grumpa Joe's Place

This post is not serious, it is an attempt to provide some levity. I am sharing several stories received from friends which I think are hilarious.

1.
Two hillbillies in Tennessee, walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”
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2.
There’s an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year’s chosen term was:      “political correctness”.

The winning student wrote:
“Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.”
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3.
You’ve seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses
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4.
On average, the American male will have sex two or three times a week.
Whereas, the Eskimo will only have sex once or twice a year.

This was NEWS to a lot of my friends.    They had no idea they were Eskimo.
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5.
Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out.  Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:  “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst.  My wife came home with no panties!!”

“That’s nothing,” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said……

‘From all of us at the Fire Station.  We’ll never forget you.’

Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged: eskimos, Jokes, rednecks |