Busia Barb’s Invitation

Posted on 11/10/2014 by Grumpa Joe

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With Thanksgiving quickly approaching my thoughts are on our annual family dinner. Last year, I announced after grace that this was our final host of the feast, it is time to pass the baton to the next generation. A year has passed and now I regret passing the torch. My family tradition was always to have holiday celebrations at grandma and grandpa’s house. That is not unlike 90% of American families.

My deceased wife Barbara taught me well how to prepare for a first class sit down. Barb had rules for her guests, and heaven forbid someone should break a rule,, and come late. For instance, if she said we are eating at one, it meant the food hits the table at one. When I received an Email from my buddy Ed titled “Grandma’s Invitation,” I opened it immediately. Then I began to laugh until tears flowed from my eyes. The title could be  “Busia Barb’s Invitation.” Who ever penned this piece totally understands families and family dynamics. You will understand when you read it, and see your own family within the words. I know that if Barb didn’t vocalize or write these rules, she sure was thinking them.

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Grandma’s Invitation

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.
NOT 2:15
NOT 2:05.
Two 2:00

Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.

Love You,
Grandma.

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Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on 09/05/2010 by Grumpa Joe

Here is a piece of wisdom sent to me by a good friend. Have a happy Mother’s Day.

 

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER: 


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I 
just finished cleaning.’ 2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
‘You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.’

 
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

 
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’

 
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, 
you’re not going to the store with me.’ 

 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’ 

 
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry 
about.’

 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’ 

 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your 
neck!’

 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
‘You’ll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.’

 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

 
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you 
out.’ 

 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’

 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in 
this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do..’ 

 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’

 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’

 
18. 
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going 
to get stuck that way.’

 
19. My mother taught me ESP .
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

 
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me..’

 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN 
ADULT .
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow 
up.’ 

 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’

 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’ 

 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

 
25. And my favorite: 
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out 
just like you ‘

Number 25 is my all time favorite. My kids did all turn out just like me, and I couldn’t be prouder.
 

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