PSA-170902-Where To Retire To

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Retirement

You can retire to  Phoenix, Arizona where…
1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-
end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 
OR
You can retire to California where…
1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 

5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to  New York City where…
1.  You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park,
     but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is “nature.”
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 
OR 
You can retire to  Minnesota where… 
1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 
6.  The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”  “She is different,” or “It was different!”
 
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where… 
1  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3.  “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  “in yonder,”  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!
OR 
You can move to  Colorado where… 
1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or  Kansas where.. . 
1.  You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition;  “Where’s my coat at?”
 
 
OR 
FINALLY you can retire to  Florida where… 
1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Leaving the Land of Pan

Grumpa Joe Looks at FlowerTo my friends in the Land of Pan, it has been a great time. I wouldn’t trade the experience, the friendships, the associations with anyone for all the tea in China. The journey began forty years ago, and I am tired.  I tried to give it up in 2000, but the Pan Master convinced me to keep coming back for more fun. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The extra hours spent with you, were fun, therapeutic, and challenging. Now it is time to say good bye once more. For the very few of you who dare to explore this BLOG you will understand the message. The remainder can hear it over the grape vine.

My mission has not been defined this year, so I don’t feel like there is a need for me to waste my time nor yours. The money was nice, as was your company, but all good things come to an end. So be it.

Thanks for helping me get through some very rough times, you are real friends. I love all of you. Call me sometime, we’ll do the lunch thing and catch up. Or, if you chose, you can always reach me via e-mail or on this BLOG.

JSR

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