PSA-160617-Funnies?

Posted on 17/06/2016 by Grumpa Joe

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News is leaking out from Hollywood executives in-the-know that the Obama White House had been leaning on, pressuring executives at NBC for the last two years to replace Jay Leno because the comedian was criticizing Obama every night. Obama didn’t like it and considered it a racist attack on him.

After data came to light that $100’s of millions had been spent on First Family vacations during a recession, Mrs. Obama’s unpopular new laws that changed food in America’s schools and other negative news including the disastrous Obamacare roll-out & website mess, Jay Leno took his comedy to a new level and his ratings skyrocketed – none of the other comics were so bold.

NBC couldn’t stomach the fact that Leno’s jokes about Obama were always right on target about the first black president… and left-leaning Democrat executives at NBC were being harassed by Obama himself who thought the comedy was a racist attack on him.

GOLDEN OLDIES FROM JAY:
“I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS.”

On NSA surveillance: “We wanted a president who listens to all Americans – now we have one.”

On a new IRS commissioner: “He’s called ‘acting commissioner’ because he has to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.”

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: “If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month.”

Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: “Remember in the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?”

On saying he didn’t know about the IRS scandal: “He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS.”

“The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi: Hope and change the subject.”

“It’s casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they’re casually going through everybody’s phone calls and records.” “It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth.”

“Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!'”

On commencement address: “He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs.”

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: “The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi.”

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: “They took ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.”

Now the last and I think best…..

“These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. It’s gotten so bad that People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.”

Filed under: Humor, politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | Leave a comment »

Pour Me A Stiff One

Posted on 05/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe

You Have to Love Those Irish

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father…’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to
heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.’

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay,
pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one
– just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

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David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

David said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……
it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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It Just Keeps Coming

Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

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How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this

I love being over 60. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right?

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

Filed under: Aging, family, Food, Humor, Seniors | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Notice This

Posted on 01/04/2016 by Grumpa Joe

Did you ever notice:

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘ No, it’s for company !’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their ” odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Filed under: Aging, family, Humor | Tagged: | Leave a comment »

Potpourri of Funny thoughts

Posted on 24/03/2016 by Grumpa Joe

 

 

april-fools-day-joke-homework-comics-1157997.gif1. Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that as I have grown older I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

2. Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

3. Drive By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!!!

4. The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I  stopped at the nursing home to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked -You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

5. Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money!

6. Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”

“Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!

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AMEN…Jesus told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish, do it from the right side of the boat.  They did and filled the boat with fish.

John 21:6 He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish. 

“Origin of Left & Right…I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left”. By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 – “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. “ Thus sayeth the Lord.   Amen. 

It surely can’t get any simpler than that.

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Spelling Lesson:

The last four letters in American…I Can

The last four letters in Republican…I Can

The last four letters in Democrats….Rats

 End of  lesson!  Test to follow on November 6, 2016.

Remember, November 2016 is to be set aside as rodent removal month. Do not be fooled by Hillary!

Please share this Bible Lesson with all your buddies to help achieve that goal.

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 Catholic School

PRICELESS!  1+ 2 = 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working….Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. . . She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. . . ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

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  1. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’ 

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2. Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

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3. The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

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4. Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ 

Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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5. Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …..”

 

Filed under: Education, Humor, Seniors | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

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