Grumpa Joe's Place

This morning began gloriously. The sun was bright, the air was temperate, and I had a list of chores to complete—the first chore involved slaughter at the border. My temple has been invaded by a creature known as a carpenter ant. These pesky things are giant compared to normal ants and are known to damage houses. They don’t eat wood like a termite does, but they do bore tunnels in wood to create their nests and dens. Usually, by the time they are discovered they have crossed the boundaries and have take up residence with the family. They don’t bite humans but they scare the hell out of the feminine gender as they traipse through a room looking for a piece of wood to call home. I usually find them by following the shrieks to where Lovely stands frozen in fear as she watches the black thing cut across the carpet in front of her. I must admit that this particular breed is equipped with wings. The bug encyclopedia explains that the wings belong to the queen amongst them. I don’t believe I have identified the right ant because every one that I have slain has had wings. Is it possible that an entire colony can be queens?

Although this image depicts a rather dangerous-looking creature, he/she is only about 2 cm long, which is enormous in the ant world.

The closest thing to a nest I found was under a cabinet containing bottles of my favorite beverages; there, under the right-hand corner, was a cluster of six or seven ants looking a little inebriated. It is hard to discern if they were drunk because ants don’t typically walk in a straight line. After Lovely stopped screaming “ant, ant” when I showed her the small squad in her sterile kitchen she very happily crushed the critters by squeezing them between her fingers in a napkin. After the slaughter she turned to me and proceeded to interrogate “are there any more?”

“Of course, there are more,” I said, “but they have all returned to their tunnels and disappeared like Hamas.”

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“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” – Will Rogers

“We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.” – C.S. Lewis

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully.  I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg

“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash

“At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns

“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest.  You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot

“At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.” – George Orwell

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.  When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.  Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” – George Burns

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier

“Getting older.  I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.” – Conan O’Brien

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.  I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous

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